why don't you apologize

These days, I have been reading the book "Why Won't You Apologize?" by American psychologist Harriet Lerner. We all agree that apology can effectively heal and repair relationships, not only to quell the anger of the injured party, When an apology is accepted, the wrongdoer will also feel relieved. However, not everyone will apologize, and if an apology cannot be expressed sincerely and effectively, instead of being forgiven and forgiven by the victim, it may increase the tension in the relationship. An apology is like a pas de deux, one side alone cannot complete the steps.

The author lists some common wrong, ineffective ways of apologizing, including "but..." apologies (but what follows is often excuses for oneself, making the apology sound hypocritical); confusing apologies ( There is no clear description of the behaviors and responsibilities that need to be apologized); "bargaining" apologies (in the apology, it shows that the other party must forgive and forgive themselves, turning the apology into a bargaining chip in interpersonal relationships), etc. In addition, the author especially It is pointed out that excessive apology should also be avoided. There are some people in life who are accustomed to repeatedly apologizing for little meaningless things, whether it is because of inferiority complex, want to subconsciously avoid possible criticism, always want to please others, or Showing off one's own high-level etiquette, this kind of excessive apology will only appear insincere and even annoying, thus completely losing the meaning of the apology.

What is a proper and effective apology? The author quotes John Kador's "Effective Apology": "When we need to take responsibility for offending or wronging someone, we should apologize and express our remorse in a direct, clear and human way. At the same time, make amends, and promise never to do it again in the future." Of course, there is no uniform rule about apology, the correct way of apology depends on the party who accepts the apology, and everyone's acceptance of the expression of apology is also different. Yes When we are criticized, we must first learn to listen, open our hearts and ask questions, truly understand the other party's point of view, and know how to suppress the psychology of self-defense when hearing criticism, in order to truly make a sincere and effective apology to the other party. At the same time, the author also points out that expressing A sincere apology does not mean that we must passively accept any wrong or unjust criticism, nor does it mean that we must remain indifferent to rude words and deeds. On the contrary, unprincipled condoning in order to obtain forgiveness will not only hurt ourselves The interests of the other party will also weaken the ability of the other party to control personal behavior, which is not helpful for maintaining good interpersonal relationships.

As the victim or the recipient of an apology, the author also offers some advice. If we want the other person to truly realize the harm we caused and apologize, don't use aggressive communication that makes the other person feel accused or threatened, Because they are easy to refuse to take responsibility because of their strong self-defense. As the victim, they may exaggerate the facts and the other party's responsibilities during the dispute, and even start a long speech, which is a quarrel between husband and wife or parents and children. It happens from time to time, and the consequence of this is that both parties start to get serious about the minutiae, and apology and relationship repair become elusive goals. The author points out, do not order the other party to apologize, when ordered to think or act, we It is difficult to respond positively, and the same is true of being ordered to apologize, and the apology obtained this way is certainly not sincere.

There are some apologies that are unacceptable to us, maybe because the person who apologized didn't really listen to our feelings and perspectives, maybe because the apology sounded insincere or shirking responsibility, or maybe because some of the faults themselves are hard to forgive. , we also need to have the courage to say "I don't accept your apology". The pursuit of generosity and inner peace does not mean that we must accept all apologies, much less that others should tell us whether we should forgive the wrongdoer or not. The important thing is that after being hurt, we need to slowly dispel the negative emotions in our hearts over time. The reality is that some people who make mistakes are unrepentant and never admit their mistakes. Since we cannot change the other party, then we at least have to Choose to let go of yourself.