"honest."

Date: 2021.09.13

Location: Kaohsiung City

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"Sometimes it feels like your future doesn't have me in it."

She said this after telling C that she was going to do a trek across Taiwan in November.

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Suddenly there was a similar feeling of deja vu. I remembered my self-willedness every time. My mother always said the same thing. Before the group broke up a few months ago, so did Ah Hao.

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When he asked to leave earlier this year, the director also said, "Why didn't you discuss your decision with me?"

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No matter how "reasonable" the reasons behind each decision are, neither mother, C, Ah Hao nor the director seem to be able to accept it.

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It is clear that every decision is made by myself, and these decisions have indeed reached a certain degree of integrity, so that people around me can hardly find a reason to refuse, but I don't know why, and most of the endings are just for people. had to accept.

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"I don't like dishonest people."

"But you said at one point that there were two thousand officers and soldiers, and at one point you said no."

"That's because I had to say it."

I just watched "Scarlo", and when one of the lines said this, when I understood why Consul Li said this, I suddenly understood myself. Turns out I'm still not an "honest person" at the moment.

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I originally thought I was able to face myself very well, but now I realize that I have always been afraid to be honest with the people around me about my real needs. Because I was afraid that my needs would be rejected, I thought of all kinds of ways that people could not refuse, but not rejecting itself does not mean consent after all.

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And the fear of being rejected, to a certain extent, is the fear of having to choose between the relationship with the people around you and your own needs. I don't know what I really care about, but I don't want to face it, so I try my best to make myself not face choices. I thought I had kept the relationship and kept my needs, but in fact I didn't keep anything.

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"I love you, but even so, I don't know if we will continue to be together in the future, so I want to walk this way and help myself find the answer," I said.

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Because I want to start a business, I left my job, and at the moment after the split, I chose not to work for the time being. What I want is to truly face myself and find my own answer. In fact, what you are looking for is not just the answer to the relationship. In fact, you don't know how to go about your future.

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Homeless people believe in homelessness, so they decide to rely on homelessness to find the answer. Maybe after this journey, I can stop wandering, or continue to wander, but no matter what the result is, I hope I can get closer to myself in the end.