I'm not dead yet

Long time no see. Have you forgotten me? It’s been a long time since I’ve been to Matt City, and I haven’t written an article or diary for a long time. How are you all? The last time I posted an article was in April, more than half a year ago. I was serializing comics last year. It seems like a long, long time ago. At that time, I had a lot of time to rush to the manuscript, and I felt successful.

In fact, it’s not that I did nothing during the past six months. I took a total of 160 hours of flower arrangement courses, which were elementary flower arrangements, from 9 am to 6 pm. Although sometimes I couldn’t attend classes in the morning because of panic attacks, and I had to rest for a few more hours. Can only attend afternoon classes, but may meet minimum attendance and pass exams.

I also did some commercial work in between, but it couldn't last all the time. I still slept a lot.

The follow-up doctor was always in a hurry and couldn't help me. The hospital had a research project on non-drug treatment for bipolar patients who slept too much, but it was assessed that I was in a manic phase at the time, so I was not qualified to accept the research. The doctor said he would see her again when I was depressed. Then I had to find a way on my own. I bought Q10 supplements, took vitamins, drank chicken essence at the same time, and drank at least one cup of coffee a day. However, I was still sleepy. Sometimes I felt energetic at night, but sometimes I didn’t feel energetic at night. I wake up and sleep, and sleep and wake up again. I don't even want to go out to eat. I just eat wheat husks at home as one meal.

November 22nd is my birthday. A week before my birthday, I ate greasy food and felt uncomfortable all night. My father happened to go to play mahjong that day. When I came home, I saw that I was restless, neither sleeping nor sitting. , helpless. By one o'clock in the morning I finally threw up and felt better. But the thought of having to clean up my own vomit makes me sick. Although I felt better after vomiting, I still had a fever the next day, so I finally dragged myself away to see a doctor. The doctor was afraid of gallbladder inflammation, so he wrote a referral letter and I went to the hospital for emergency treatment. Although there was a referral from a private doctor, I had to draw blood. I still had to wait for the X-ray, and then the doctor at the hospital said I had to go into the hospital ward for further examination. But I went to the emergency room at around 3:00 pm and didn’t get to the ward until early in the morning. I had to ask a good friend to bring me daily necessities and a charger.

I stayed in the hospital for two days and did a series of tests, and then they told me I had esophagitis due to acid reflux and that I needed to take medicine for a long time. I took the tissue for testing and it will take a few more weeks to get the results, maybe at the follow-up visit in February. Fortunately, there are no major problems, but the emotional illness has not improved, and the physical problems have arisen, which makes me very frustrated. Because the doctors at the hospital were in a hurry and didn't explain clearly, I didn't know whether my condition was related to my emotional illness. Now there was nothing I could do except take medicine on time.

I am troubled by the disease both physically and mentally. Although I do not want to commit suicide, I have no goals in life. I don’t know why I am living. I am not a retired person and I will find my own fun. I don’t want to go out. I only need to go out for daily necessities at night when there are fewer people on the street. bought. And you must wear headphones to listen to music when going out to relieve tension. There are a lot of books at home that I haven’t read yet, but I can’t get motivated. Sometimes I can only unconsciously flip through Japanese fashion magazines. This also helps a little. At least in my imagination, I imagine myself getting dressed up and going out for a walk.

I told a psychologist that I don’t have this symptom at all when traveling, but I can’t travel every day, and I’ve been stuck in Hong Kong because of COVID-19 in the past few years. As early as four years ago, I wanted to study a short art course at ULA in the UK, but I didn’t make the trip because I didn’t have enough money at the time. Pneumonia brought the whole world to a standstill. I stopped seeing private psychiatrists, which saved some money, and I didn’t go to Japan for shopping. After saving money for several years, the Hong Kong government recently said that 0+3 people do not need to go to hotel quarantine. Coupled with the low yen, many people are planning to go to Japan. I just remembered that I was going to study a two-star art class in London, England. Plus, I was visiting friends in the UK, so I had some goals. The course I was interested in started in March. It was an intensive course, with classes lasting several days from morning to night. I paid immediately before the pound fell, and then went on to book air tickets and accommodation. Although it took some effort, I also enjoyed it. I was just a little tired because of an upset stomach, and I had been feeling unwell for the past few days. I wish I was in the UK. Don’t have any physical or mental health problems when studying. I have been waiting for several years to have this opportunity. Don’t get sick in the UK. Although I have bought travel insurance, I don’t feel comfortable at all and don’t want to have it. I want to go in good health. Stay healthy. back.

I feel relaxed after typing this article, as if chatting with a friend. You may wish to pay attention and say hello to me. I hope I can post more. This is a process of self-healing. Thank you for reading this article. Now I can go cook dinner. Gave it to dad.