Formal Diary | When Stuck

Actually, I'm not sure if what I'm writing now should be a record of "writing practice" or a record of "talking to myself"?

Probably closer to "official diary".

Consistent with the concept of a journal, but not a journal. Just like CSV (Comma-Separated Values) is also a concept; what separates Values does not have to be Comma, but can also be any other symbol.

But the diary is a very private product, so what is the difference between formal and informal?

Put the "diary" on the online platform, and it's the Matters platform - a writing platform with a limited number of revisions, and the works even have their own fingerprints, like the junior high school awards that are cherished by their parents, when they write " Had to" get official, albeit embarrassed.

At the end of last year, a friend I didn’t know very well asked me about my plans for 2022.

At that time, the diary was carefully written. In addition to practicing self-reflection, self-study and writing were also planned.

I am currently learning Python by myself and using the Codecademy platform. Their curriculum planning, platform design, and community are very popular with me, so I bought a one-year membership during the half-price discount; I have been using it since early January this year. At least 4.5 hours of study time per week.

And what about writing?

I wanted to start writing, not only because I didn’t have time to sign up for Matters’ on -site non-fiction writing scholarship last year, but I also realized that I didn’t have the habit of “continuous” writing, and the subject I wanted to write about was, to some extent, right and wrong. Fiction, but I also don't have the courage to publish it as non-fiction.

Well, it's the " Uncool " series that's going on right now - I'd say, it's a non-fiction piece of writing that has to be fiction , everything is based on real events.

I have to write, because there is a devastating force in my body that must be released. If I don't do this, I may get internal injuries (or even trauma. When there is nowhere to release the pressure, the motorcycle will automatically accelerate to the speed eight, 90 kilometers or more, as if trying to throw myself out of a body that’s accumulating stress).

During my counseling session last week, my counselor reminded me, "You are writing from your own life experience."

If the word experience is removed, it is actually in line with the truth.

: Well, I know, I also know the process is painful. But I really want to write. For some reason, writing helps me calm down when I'm falling into a runaway (wanting to die) cycle, and I'll turn my attention to the polishing of the words.

: But you have to remember that no one forced you to write.

:Ok, I know. It's true that when I started writing, I was emotionally trapped, with great ups and downs, and it was painful.

I have always remembered - and recorded this text in the instant notes of the lecture at that time. That day was the last day of the exhibition "No. 38 Tree Hole" initiated by Miss Cheng Jiachun. During the lecture, Teacher Fang Huizhen used this narrative to describe her relationship with her. Teacher Lin Yihan's feelings on the day they met:

 "You accompany someone from the top of the mountain to the abyss. When she wants to go deeper, you can't hold her back."

Teacher Fang Huizhen's words gave me consistent grammar in various states, such as after reading "Fang Siqi's Paradise of First Love", when I was out of control, and when I was writing.

I really want to hold myself, I am a person with a sense of disease.

So, lately my writing got stuck because I had to practice writing in a "safe" state and I couldn't write with my life.

Go back to the consultation room.

: So your writing also hopes to have an influence.

: Maybe you can say that. I want people who see it (very few, but at least some people see it) to understand what happened to people who experienced sexual violence.

: But have you thought about it, when you write these things out, can you withstand the comments of readers?

:....... Honestly, no. I really haven't thought about it. So I write very slowly and want to start writing when I was a kid. You know, it's because of my counseling that I started piecing together my pattern of behavior. I will grow up to be what I am now, and it is also related to the environment in which I grew up as a child. I want to spell out the cause and effect.

Like if you want to put the broken things back together, you have to pick up each piece and take a good look at it.

The process can be bloody, as the debris is sharp after all.

Well, but I'll take it slow.

A friend said: It is a miraculous thing to be able to finish every day.

Thank you, I am alive today.