If you can’t let it go, take it with you first.

It has been six years since I left Taiwan. When I was young, walking on the streets of Taipei, I often wondered, what would it be like to live in a foreign country?

My friends around me seem to go abroad often. Since I am not good at English, I have been curious about those ABC classmates since I was a child. Why do they miss the United States so much? When talking about my relatives in Canada or my cousins ​​living abroad, I feel a sense of sadness that I was born in the wrong child.

"Is it really so good abroad?" My English is not good. I silently hope that Chinese can rule the world. The place I want to go to most is probably Japan. Besides, I am very small at 148 centimeters, so in the foreign world I must be regarded as disabled. Apart from my love of listening to rock music, I don’t have any trace of westernization in me. I can be said to be Hari’s nerdy girl. When I was only 18 years old, I went to Europe and fell in love with the Renaissance architecture everywhere and the historical aroma of the ancient cities. As a design student, I thought that if I lived here, I would be bursting with inspiration... But now I am in Australia, married to a blue-eyed plumber. This life turn that I could not have imagined has caused a huge blow to my body and mind. .

Yes, this is not an inspirational story. Although it has inspirational elements, it is mainly a diary of my physical and mental observations.

If I want to be a little bit weird, this is the record of the conversation between me and the customer service of Cosmos.
All my wishes have come true, but the universe has been communicating with me in ways I couldn't imagine. Maybe I'm crazy, or maybe I'm not actually a Muggle. There are so many coincidences and magical things, but since my diagnosis my brain fog has gotten worse and I want to keep a journal, I want to save them while I can still remember them. I believe my psychologist would encourage me to do the same, right?

My self-confidence has been significantly affected before and after the epidemic. Foreign marriage, relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, racial issues, vaccine issues, followed by buying a house and becoming a mother, and I quickly reached the age of 30. The price of falling in love with an Australian boy is so high. In Taiwan, I was worried about whether I should become a graphic designer or a photographer. That working vacation changed my mood and brought me to a new chapter in my life that I could never have imagined when I was a kid playing with pens. "I'm not ready, I'm not ready at all!" "After countless self-repairs and continuous spurning on yourself several times, you will always be resurrected!"

I think this world may really be a cosmic prison, and our own original factory settings will always be paired with issues that are counterproductive. There is always one thing, at the bottom of my heart, I know it is what I desire most, but if you are not determined enough and take a shortcut, the universe will redirect you to a destination. I said the customer service of the universe looks like this

"Hello universe, I want to be a different person." I made a wish, I want to be a person with my own style. "Is this a good person who stands out from the crowd? Download "Different" for you... Didi Didi"
——As a result, I became a misfit foreigner.

Without my own efforts, I avoided the artistic creation that I should do for some reasons, and continued to play "different". When I came to Perth, Australia, I couldn't seem to find the radio of my favorite channel, so I tuned it. And tune. Working part-time for the first two years eased my breakup in Taipei. Just when I found myself determined to become a full-time backpacker and head to New Zealand, my husband showed up.

The goddess said, "As long as you can continue traveling on your own, your life will be good, but this man can give you a home. You can choose it yourself."

Am I the nation’s sweetheart? What kind of life AB question is this! When he called me and asked me to return to Australia, I looked at Lake Taupo and remembered the last time my friend went back to Taiwan and said, "It's a bit sad, I feel like you won't come back." Why have I been so active in the past six months? My body knows that it will settle down later, right? I have been preparing for this moment for the past six months. Since I actually know the answer in my heart, let’s face it. I chose a home.

I got married in October 2019, and the epidemic hit me at the end of the year.
The epidemic can be called a couple killer, and the vaccine can be called a marriage killer. I can say it myself, and I was really killed half to death.

British mother-in-law + French father-in-law + Australian children = zero consensus, wearing masks when going out to meet guests. The peak period of isolation at the beginning of work made me think that I would definitely choose kindergarten between kindergarten and nursing home. Children will not disappear after driving by themselves. Diabetes and high blood pressure The anti-vaccination parents-in-law kept rushing out, and the husband walked around with a fake vaccine certificate and said it was his body’s right. I seemed to have witnessed the awakening of Australia’s public political consciousness. Five years ago, I asked them and they didn’t know who the ruling party was. Now, I have begun to talk about my political achievements in canvassing votes, and I feel like I have returned to Taiwan.

The psychologist said, "You said you are sensitive to human rights?"
"After you became the oppressed party because you didn't want to get vaccinated, you must have been hit hard."

I don’t want to get vaccinated because my family members I care about don’t want to get vaccinated. I watch too much news from both the left and the right. News with sensational headlines is always in my messages and I can’t stop it. When I think of that time, when it comes to vaccines, I just want to cry. My husband thinks it’s not good for future children, and my parents-in-law think it’s a conspiracy theory. What should I say? I believe both sides, as far as probabilities are concerned. Is it just my luck?
I was happily reading about the bookkeeping training, but it turned out that my favorite teacher was going to be fired for not getting vaccinated and she said with tears, "If you do something you don't agree with, that's called crazy." At that time, the compulsory vaccination in Western Australia had crushed my outlook on life. I couldn't go anywhere and gave in. After secretly taking two doses of Novavax, two months later, all the compulsory orders were lifted. My anti-vaccination in-laws have all been diagnosed. Fortunately, there are no side effects. My outlook on life has been burnt to ashes.

My husband said, "Start a business! You will have nothing to do at home."

My husband is a sunny, lively and positive person. We are both Leos and are like best friends. I am sure that he likes me more than I like him. He has the idea of ​​staying together for life and dreams of becoming a plumber and househusband. He is very If you want a child, you are a child yourself. Friends are envious of our relationship, but I always feel suffocated, as if I have just become a professional wife. I also try to do what I think a wife should do, organize the housework, and say that he is handsome every day. , giving him the sense of security he wants. From a girl who was accustomed to having sex after drinking, and who was considered a bit casual in the eyes of others, I can say that I seemed to have taken reassurance, cutting off all possibilities of temptation, and the circle of friends I chose was very safe. But it may also have completely pulled me away from that more artistic and ideal world. It often seems like looking at the old network of people is like clothes that can no longer be worn. The card I wrote to him read like this: "We love each other like seagulls and dolphins, and at the same time we love the ocean, but I envy you for being able to fly" - adapted from Jay Chou's best-selling love song Coral Sea. Humor allows us to make each other laugh every day. I fall in love with his incredible kindness and optimism, but on the other hand, he cannot empathize with my difficulties. Our completely different family backgrounds and cultural concepts make both of us often fall asleep with tears in our eyes. So my emotions always hindered my ability to integrate into society, and I began to see a psychologist due to long-term distress. The picture on the cover is the scene I saw when I talked about starting a business during a consultation.

I heard from Star Power Company, "I make a wish to God. I just want to concentrate on doing what I want to do and don't want to worry about food and clothing!"

What is your favorite thing to do? Writing, taking photos, illustrating? Having attention? Spread love and care?

These are things I have been pursuing and want to create for myself. My friends have encouraged me many times. People will be interested! The universe allows it, right? It's not some dark law. It's best not to say anything and it's safest. Candies are always given to those children who have good luck. With the constant blessing of angel numbers, if you choose this path today, what will it be like tomorrow?

"I just don't have the feeling of looking forward to tomorrow anymore," I said to the psychologist in a shallow voice.

It's like the soul took a sharp turn and turned into a dark thing, playing the role it was set for, identifying with it and adapting to it, wandering in the sea of ​​sand.

I originally expected to travel to Taiwan and Macao every year after getting married, but the epidemic happened.
I originally expected to be able to find a job after studying English accounting, but it turned out that I was not able to find a job.
Originally looking forward to a happy family relationship, a family revolution broke out in her husband's family.

Every time a nuclear explosion occurs, I seem to have forgotten who I am. In my cartoonish fantasy, I should have been the version of the seventh generation. Under the transformation of seasonal melancholy every year, I will finally be thirty years old this year. ! I believe that when I was sixteen, I must have been so stupid. Except for the frozen age, I became a timid housewife who was worried about not being able to integrate into society. The domineering attitude of wanting to look good to those who looked down on me had disappeared. I couldn't win again and joined again. This is the timid me.

But I am not a person who regrets. I don’t regret any decision I made, but I regret the time I wasted.
As long as I persist in everything, the universe will not keep leading me to other destinations.

There are many things that you can’t let go of, so just take them with you first.

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