" what country are you from?"

This may have something to do with my belated mid-life crisis, or more precisely, an old age crisis, because people only think about returning to their roots when they are old, and they will seriously think about the issue of identity. In fact, to put it bluntly, it is also because of the recent tension between the two sides of the Taiwan Strait that I am afraid that I cannot be considered a Taiwanese.

I remember when I first came to France, the common people here didn’t know much about Asian countries. The first question they ask me when they see me is often: "Which country are you from?" Of course I answer: "I am Taiwanese."

The first time I heard the term «Taiwan», the French would chew it in their mouths, pronounce it, and then say: "Well, Taiwan, the beaches there are very beautiful." I thought to myself, you French can still I know there are beaches in Taiwan, that’s not bad, I have a lot of geographical knowledge. The next question will be: "When will you go back? There must be a lot of tourists there! It is the favorite tourist destination of the French." Oh là là! It turned out that they thought of Taiwan as Thailand. In French, Taiwan and Thaïlande do look a bit alike.

After such a scene was performed N times, I tried to find a way to explain to the French: "Uh, you misunderstood, Taiwan is not Thailand. Taiwanese speak Chinois in Chinese, and Thais speak Thaïlandais in Thai." "Oh, speaking Chinese? Are you Chinese then?” the French would ask. "Uh, not quite. It should be said that my ancestors are Chinese, and now I am Taiwanese. The full name of my country is République de Chine."

It's okay not to mention the French name, but if you say it, it will start a dialogue mode of chicken and duck. Often people only heard the last « Chine », and I couldn't wash it off even if I jumped into the Yellow River. "Oh, so Taiwan belongs to China?" the French will continue to ask. "No, no, you misunderstood, Taiwan's China is not China's China..." The complexity of this question challenged my jerky French.

"Hey, forget it, the China issue is too complicated, you just have to remember, I am from Formose..." It is said that "Formosa" was the Portuguese name when they sailed through Taiwan and exclaimed to marvel at the beauty of the island Out of the name, it means «Beautiful Island». I took Formosa out and was surprised how many people in France have heard the name, it seems the name can be widely used here. "Oh, Formosa, it turns out that Formosa is Taiwan!" The French can match the name (in fact, many places in the world are called Formosa).

Once, a Frenchman who knew a little about the Asian world found the answer for me. "Are you talking about the little China in Asia, the free little China?" "Yes, yes, this is it..." I replied with satisfaction. "Hey, you Asians are all Chinese in our eyes anyway. You all have black hair, black eyes, and yellow skin. We can't tell who is who." The French friend said. This conclusion made me feel very helpless, thinking, this is simply playing the piano against the cow.

One day, a friend took me to the Taiwan embassy in France. In a bolt from the blue, I discovered that Taiwan's «Embassy» in Paris was actually called «French-Chinese Economic, Trade and Tourism Promotion Association» (renamed as «Taipei Representative Office in France» after 1995). In this funny name, there is neither «Taiwan» nor «Republic of China». I thought to myself, this is serious, there is not a word that matches my nationality! Doesn't my passport clearly say "Taiwan, Republic of China"? So, here, what kind of nationality am I?

Since the People's Republic of China replaced the "China" seat of the Republic of China in the United Nations in 1971, the internationally recognized "China" is no longer the Republic of China, but the People's Republic of China. However, the United Nations has never considered how to define the Republic of China that still exists in Taiwan. After that, basically only one China was recognized internationally, so in France, the Republic of China was directly reduced to "Taiwan (country)".

I say this based on the fact that the French administration asked me to fill in my nationality as «Taiwan». Every time I go to do documents, the French administrators will remind me repeatedly that the Republic of China is not a diplomatic relationship with France, and there is no agreement (convention), but "Taiwan" seems to have one. Also, I was born in Taiwan, so I am Taiwanese. Naturally, in the column of nationality, I had to write «Taiwan». That is to say, the French administrative unit defaulted that I was from «Taiwanese».

I was relieved when I found my identity. Fortunately, I am Taiwanese.

As for my psychological self-identity, before elementary school, I considered myself a «Sweet Potato» (a native of Taiwan).

Although my father came to Taiwan with the Kuomintang government, because he worked in other places all the year round and was rarely at home, I had no chance to learn Mandarin with him. However, the Mandarin he speaks is really terrible, with a strong provincial accent, I can't understand it at all, and I dare not tell him that I don't understand, for fear that he will get angry. So every time he comes back, I always avoid him. Before going to school, I was always with my mother, and we only spoke Taiwanese. My maternal grandfather was educated in Japan and could only speak Japanese and Taiwanese, while my grandmother could only speak Taiwanese. It is worth mentioning that when Dad and grandpa and grandma eat together, someone needs to help translate. If no one helps, they have to gesticulate. Since I was a child, I only knew relatives in the matrilineal family, and I didn’t know anyone on the patrilineal side. At that time, there was no contact between China and Taiwan. Therefore, when I was a child, I was relatively close to people from my mother's natal family, and I naturally had a greater sense of identity with them.

It’s different after entering elementary school. In the 1970s and 1980s, Taiwanese elementary school students were educated to be Chinese. They had to speak Mandarin in school, and they would be punished for speaking Taiwanese. In my school, the fine for speaking a sentence of Taiwanese is ten Taiwan dollars, which is equivalent to my pocket money for a week. The teachers in the school told us that Taiwan belongs to the Republic of China, and the Republic of China is China, so we are Chinese. China is our hometown. One day we will counterattack the mainland and save the suffering compatriots on the mainland. In our history textbooks, China takes up 99.9% of the pages, while Taiwan is covered in only one page.

It is conceivable that after twelve years of such education, our generation was successfully educated as Chinese (people from the Republic of China). When I was in college, I learned that all of this was a hoax, and Chiang Kai-shek's Chinese dream had long been shattered with his disappearance. However, when I graduated from university, based on my mental inertia, I could accept that I am both Taiwanese and Chinese.

But one day, I met Chinese people in France who were as good as fakes...

Before coming to France, I had never met young people from mainland China with my own eyes. I guessed that they must all be members of the Communist Party and come out of bandit dens. In the 1990s, citizens of the People's Republic of China were not allowed to have private passports, and only government-sponsored international students and advanced trainers were eligible to have official passports. Therefore, there are not many students who come to France to study abroad, and all of them are boys. The accents of these rebels are so special that if I didn't look at their faces, I would think I was talking to a group of old men. In Taiwan, only people from other provinces and northerners who came to Taiwan after 1949 have such an accent.

At that time, I got along quite happily with the descendants of the enemy. Although the Mandarin they spoke was different from the Mandarin of Taiwan, they all spoke Chinese after all, so it was easier to communicate. That era was the "honeymoon period" of cross-strait relations in history, and the relationship between the bilateral students was very friendly. Of course, the premise is that the question of whether the two sides of the strait will be reunified cannot be discussed.

Ever since I discovered the real thing, I told my French friends: "You should call me Taiwanese! There are Chinese people here who are more Chinese than me." I suddenly realized that I was like a mistress, and the one who came from mainland China was the real one.

In 1994, my authentic Chinese friend invited me to travel to China, and I happily agreed, thinking that I could finally see the China described in the book with my own eyes, and appreciate the magnificence of the Yangtze River and the Yellow River. For this reason, I went to the Chinese Consulate in Marseille to apply for a visa.

When we arrived at the consulate, the Consul General heard that a Taiwanese girl was going to China, so he came out to receive her in person. It can be seen how strange this matter was at the time, and it almost made the front page of the European Times. Mr. Consul invited me into his office.

"Why would you want to travel to mainland China?" the consul asked.

"Because a friend of mine invited me to visit your China." I replied.

"It's our China, not yours." Mr. Consul corrected me.

"Since it's China, why do I need a visa?" I asked.

"What you need is a Taiwan Compatriot Permit, which is different from that of the French, and the price is only half of the price." The consul said.

It seems that Mr. Consul only treats me as one of his own in words, but treats me as a half foreigner in actions.

"Be careful when you go to China alone, and don't be deceived by others." Mr. Consul never forgets his warm reminder to me. In view of this, I gave up the idea of continuing to refute him.

When in China, the first stop is Beijing. When I got off the plane, what I saw was the original Beijing, without tall buildings and dusty. We went to a restaurant recommended by a friend. When the waiter saw my green passport, he shook his head and refused to let me in. He said that Taiwanese are foreign guests, and they can only live in hotels that accept foreign guests, and they can only pay the foreign guest price, which is several times higher than that of Chinese citizens. This situation is even more serious in the Mainland. Wherever I go, I always have to visit three or five restaurants before I can find a place to live. It was only then that I discovered that Taiwanese people in China are out-and-out foreigners.

Next, my friend took me to visit his uncle. When his aunt saw me, she said, "Oh, it turns out that Taiwanese look the same as us!" His uncle also said, "You speak Chinese really well." Here, I am a Chinese who looks just like us. foreigners.

When I arrived at the house of my friend’s parents, his father told me, “China will liberate Taiwan soon.” I then replied, “I’m sorry, we said in Taiwan that we would counterattack the mainland.” When his father heard this, he was furious and burst into tears. I just made a small joke originally, but I didn't expect his reaction to be so intense. I also felt very sorry for making such a fuss, so I hurriedly said goodbye. Here, I became the enemy representative of China.

Before leaving my friend's parents' house, my friend's mother gave me a pair of white canvas shoes, which were worn by local girls at that time. My friend's family especially reminded me not to speak when I go out for safety reasons. My interpretation of this sentence is: being a Taiwanese is dangerous. So when I left, I put on those little white shoes and didn't speak when I saw people. Even so, he was still deceived all the way to the end.

After returning to France, I no longer consider myself Chinese.

I thought that the two sides share the same tradition and culture, and I should be able to find a sense of home. On the contrary, this trip to China has dispelled my myths about China. I did not find a sense of identity, no sense of belonging, only mutual distrust between people. The same language and the same species give people an illusion, but what is more real is a hidden cultural difference. In fact, Chinese and Taiwanese think they understand each other but actually lack understanding. The simplification of Chinese characters has set up a Chu River-Han boundary for mutual communication.

I thought I had already thought about this matter clearly, and I didn’t have to think about the issue of identity in the future, but I didn’t expect that the burden of “China” had been embedded in me, and I couldn’t get rid of it no matter what.

In 1999, I applied for a Chinese teaching position in a university. During the interview process, the principal had a good talk with me and basically decided to hire me. Not long after, the headmaster hurriedly summoned me again, as if there was something urgent. It turned out that the principal heard people say that Taiwanese can't speak Chinese or write Chinese characters. So he was in a hurry right away and asked me to confirm. The person who blows his hair is a French girl who has also applied for the position. There was no Internet in that era, otherwise you could find the answer by searching, and there was no need to be so anxious. I told the principal: "I am from "Little China", that is, "Free China". I can't avoid the word «China», I am struggling.

After I started working, I had to appear in front of the French as a « China » in order to gain some prestige for myself. In the first few years, I only had some French students who couldn't figure out the ins and outs. I would say that I can be from any country.

In 2005, on behalf of our university, I went to China to discuss international exchanges. When I got there, the negotiating partners on the other side knew that I was Taiwanese and were very friendly to me. At that time, the most common question people asked me was "Where is your hometown?" I replied: "Taiwan". But they were unwilling to believe that I was just a Taiwanese, and insisted on tracing my ancestors for eight generations. In the end, no matter what the answer was, they forced them to draw conclusions like this: "Oh, so your hometown is in China...", and then started blabla, saying they Which colleague or which relative is also from this place. They thought they were getting close to me, but in fact, the "hometown in a certain place" they mentioned had nothing to do with me. For the sake of work, I cooperated with the performance anyway, so I nodded frequently and forced a smile.

As a result of laughing with each other, the conversation became two schools. In 2008, the international exchange officially started, and the school began to have some exchange students from China, and they especially liked to take the French-Chinese translation course I taught. These students are all from top universities in the north of China, and they think highly of themselves. They like to pick on my little problems in class, for example, a certain word is not pronounced or written that way.

One day, a male student from Beijing Foreign Studies University raised his hand in protest. He said, "This sentence is not spoken in Chinese. You are not speaking Chinese." How should I say it in Chinese? May I ask you again, which Mandarin language do I speak?" The last student did not answer my question. I was thinking, this student must be thinking in his heart: "You are a fake, you are not qualified to stand here and teach us how to speak Chinese!".

This situation continued for many years, and then I got used to being the «little wife». One day, I mentioned this to my Chinese colleague. She was filled with righteous indignation after hearing this, and wanted to find a way for me to deal with these brats. She suggested: "You let them translate simplified Chinese characters into traditional Chinese characters!" I had never thought about this idea, and there was no risk anyway, so I went to class to do an experiment the next day. Unexpectedly, they can't write, they are as obedient as little sheep, I don't even recognize them. This pleasant experience did not last, because the new crown virus came to France, and all Chinese students were scared away.

In 2018, before the war broke out in the Taiwan Strait on the other side of the Pacific Ocean, a war between China and Taiwan had already started at the international school my child attended. The Chinese Department of this school is jointly established by China and France. The teachers are selected by the Chinese embassy and the head of the department is appointed by the French side. This year, the new head of the department happened to be Taiwanese.

The new official took office with three fires, and the head of the department demanded reform of teaching materials. Hundreds of Chinese parents in the parents' meeting raised their objections with an overwhelming majority. A small number of Taiwanese parents, including myself, made a few noises and became street rats in seconds. In the WeChat group, Taiwanese parents have changed their typing system to simplified characters in order to prevent people from beating up. At the end of the quarrel, a Chinese parent even asked "Wu Tong Taiwan" to solve the problem. It just so happens that the child of this parent is a classmate of my child.

A few days later, the principal of the international school sent a letter to all the parents, saying that the Chinese department would be closed if the situation continued. It turned out that some Chinese parents went to the Chinese embassy to report to the Chinese embassy, accusing the teacher of using traditional Chinese characters in teaching. The two teachers who were reported were invited by the embassy to "drink tea". After returning, they were mentally traumatized and took sick leave. My kids came home and told me there were conflicts among the students too. For the sake of children's safety, I told my children not to say that they are Taiwanese at school.

Now, even my children can't be Taiwanese.

At the end of 2019, the new crown epidemic broke out. Taiwan's democratic approach to zero-virus epidemic prevention has attracted the attention of the world. The French media began to be interested in Taiwan. The daily current affairs commentary program « C'est dans l'air » often invited various experts to comment on Taiwan's democratic epidemic prevention measures. From then on, the French really began to know Taiwan, and they were no longer confused with China. At the same time, my self-introduction in front of the French has become much easier, people who know me know exactly that I am Taiwanese and no longer treat me as «Chinese».

In February 2022, the Russo-Ukrainian war broke out. China's refusal to express its position was interpreted by the French media as support for Russia, and it was predicted that China would also enter Taiwan in the near future. The TV news showed scenes of Taiwanese digging air-raid shelters and conducting air defense exercises. I thought to myself, I might not be a Taiwanese (country) person anytime soon.

In August 2022, the uninvited guest Pelosi will visit Taiwan. In the past few days, various news headlines in France have reported that China will launch military operations, and the tension has risen to the highest level. After I saw it, I hurriedly contacted my family in Taiwan, only to find that they were living as usual, not panicking at all, but they were Buddhist. "That nasty Pelosi, we don't want her to come to Taiwan, what's the matter." My family said. "Are you scared?" I asked. "It's okay, I've been used to it for a long time." My family replied. That's right, I remember when I was in high school, the school's military training and nursing classes taught us how to shoot targets, how to do first aid in the field, and of course air defense drills. This was more than 30 years ago. In fact, Taiwan has been in a state of preparation for war for 70 years, and everyone has long been tired of flexibility.

It was different in France. Colleagues and students in my school all came to care about the situation, wondering if there would be a real fight. I have an American colleague who studies history who came to me specifically to explore this issue in depth.

"Maybe I'll make a show to scare the Taiwanese. I don't think there will be a fight. Don't they say that barking dogs don't bite people." I said, thinking of the fairy tale "Children Herding Sheep" in my mind.

"China put its words so harshly that it didn't dare to take action against the Americans. It was a slap in the face for itself. In this U.S.-China rivalry game, China has clearly shown weakness..." American colleagues said.

"To be honest, you Pelosi have surrounded Taiwan for several days. If there is a fight, will you Americans help?" I still wanted to ask, knowing that it was not up to him to decide.

"Biden said yes, and I think all Americans will support it," he replied. This is true. For the sake of the chip, I believe that the Americans will help Taiwan.

Today, both sides of the Taiwan Strait have returned to calm. Regardless of the future situation, I hope to be a Taiwanese (country) person for a few more days.