"The life you want."

Date: 2021.10.06

Location: Kaohsiung City

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"Is the current relationship what you want?"

"yes."

C asked so yesterday, and I answered so, but at the moment of answering, I actually don't know what kind of relationship I want.

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Obviously, the topics of interest are different, and the interests in life are also different, but I don't know why, but I like each other intuitively, so I decide to go together.

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Half a year feels very short, and the slapstick seems to be over in a blink of an eye. The days of living together are smoother than expected. Life went smoothly. Although there were not too many disputes, there were still several serious conversations, and the moment of each conversation always made me worry about whether to separate. Fortunately, the current communication is still smooth, but because of this, the time does not seem to be as fast as imagined. It is only half a year, but there is a feeling of hard work.

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Whether such a relationship is what I want is not really so clear until now, but every morning when I wake up, every night when I fall asleep, there is an indescribable peace of mind with someone around me. There is someone when I go up the mountain. If I can miss it, the road doesn't seem to be that difficult to walk, and suddenly I understand a little bit about why Xiao Gu has to pester Zhu Qing without hesitation before setting off on an expedition.

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The purpose of being discharged from the army is to live the life you want, but after a circle, it seems that there is no such thing as a life you really want. Those who have been talking about "wanting" seem to be just because the people who are important to you feel important. That's why I "want", but what I really want is the important people around me, not the so-called life.

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Feeling at ease, feeling satisfied, as if there is nothing to pursue at the moment, as if to some extent symbolize that I am living the so-called "life I want", so I no longer need to pursue. But I still want to read some books every day, I still want to exercise my body, and I still want to do something. Maybe it still symbolizes that I am actually pursuing a certain kind of life.

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"No matter how stupid a naive activist may be, after all, it happens occasionally that the road goes on almost forever, wherever it goes. It's not about where it goes, but about just getting out of the way and going on." - The Basement Notes

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I have been a so-called "action school" for several years. Because of continuous action, it seems that I have done a lot of things without realizing it, but the action itself is actually just making life meaningless. It seems to make sense. I know it's just a process of finding something to do, but because life is still going on, I can only continue to walk and continue to act. Probably what I want by constantly acting is to struggle a little more in my helpless life, so that I have the illusion of acting before life.

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So I keep looking for things to do for myself, maybe there is a place I really want to go, but I don’t want to decide too quickly where the “place” is, because if I make a decision, the result seems to be determined, and it seems that I lose to life.

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Also, because he never decides where this "place" is, he is always arguing in the relationship. They often argue about where to go, but sometimes they feel that they are actually arguing about whether they both believe that they are walking on the same road together. In my heart, I feel that the other party is important, but most of the places I want to go, the other party can only keep in my heart. Although there are still expectations not only in my heart, but I don't dislike the current state, but I feel that C doesn't seem to think so.

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In fact, I just want to share the winner and loser with my own life, and I also selfishly want to pull others together, but my own life, the victory or defeat defined by myself, seems that only myself can participate, and no one can join. Sometimes I still want to divide my life into winning and losing, but I just want to prove that this is not an illusion. It seems that if you prove success, you can be free, but the price is that no one is with you.

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It turned out that there was still a place I wanted to go, and there were two options I didn't want to choose. I don't know if there was a third one, but I hoped there would be a third one.