Chaos Daily Essay｜For "I" , For 2022

Wishing every Matt citizen a happy new year!

Shuttle , in the unknowing world , in the confused love silk , in the intertwined vision of anxiety and confusion . I don't get to know myself clearly and unequivocally, to talk deeply and to myself, in a 2021 that is scarred but keeps me growing. I told myself that Nietzsche had passionately expressed to me: " Those who don't kill me make me stronger ."

Today is the end of the first semester after attending graduate school. For me, the most loaded course this semester is Nietzsche's philosophy. Since I have known this philosopher since the beginning of the semester, I have come to know more German place names, whenever I see those cities whose Chinese translation ends with the word "bao". I always unconsciously think of that dear friend who is far away from me and is exchanging in Germany .

Maybe you remember the tension that held each other back, worrying about the impact of responding too early or too late, testing each other’s inner thoughts and values— what the hell are you thinking ? ——but thought it would make each other feel comfortable and at ease.

A while ago, we often explored the ingenuity of the word "let nature take its course". I also remember you and that high school (or middle school?) friend who missed each other. In our senior year, we talked about him when we went out to dinner, and we expected that when we graduated, we could all face our emotions and take action .

The funny thing is, we should be overly aggressive , writing a poem to each other at Christmas, and expecting a real flower on Valentine's Day, rather than drawing a flower and giving it to him and playing it on his birthday. I sing love songs to the other party... I seem to have used all my 108 skills; otherwise, it is too Buddhist, and I expect the other party to take the initiative and directly miss the graduation ceremony.

I even remember when I was a junior, when we were eating hot pot near Zhongshan Elementary School, you told me about your relationship status after the meal. You were tired and disturbed, and you hated that a friend always came to me when you were single. You, but also unwilling to take any responsibility or express yourself honestly to you .

I think you forgot, but I can't forget. At that time, your eyes were shining with a little tears, and I remember you telling me sadly: One day I will leave this sad place and go to a place full of sadness. Ideal to settle in another country. That was the first time I saw your emotional ups and downs, the first time I saw the still water-like river of heart set off layers of waves .

If, like the wind, I have a friend that blows into the heart of others, leaving no trace. To me, you are like water flowing into my heart . One after another, "Kiss the Rain", "River Flows in You"... Our favorite pianist, Yiruma, before I got to know you, my college gift was to go to Yiruma's concert in Taiwan.

happy New Year! In a foreign land, holding a dream, pursuing an exclusive ideal, dear I. In the era of the raging epidemic, because of the still severe epidemic situation in Europe and the United States, I worry about you all the time. Hey dear I , as I posted on Instagram a few months ago, I have a secret to tell you: I miss you .

At the end of the year, in December 2021, my state is not very good. A few days ago, I registered for the school consultation in the first week of January next year. I miss you and my free interaction, miss me seeing my own reflection in your eyes , miss you feeling your freedom in my words , and miss that we can always have ourselves again and love our appearance.

In the days to come, please continue to advise! May we continue to love ourselves as we love to be loved .