*Content and details have been partially altered, any similarity is purely coincidental

I see all my travel stuff, little treats, and after seeing that stuff, I pick it up and tear it up like a madman. No matter what material that thing is or how difficult it is to tear it off, I will tear it up, rub it off, try my best to destroy it, and want it to disappear in front of me.

After those two nights, O tortured all the things she brought with her, trying her best to cut the things into pieces, cut them into pieces, and then mixed them in the garbage and threw them away. Such O, said she was fine.

There were three incidents of sexual violence that happened to O: the first time, her brave classmate A made all the decisions for her who was secretly photographed; the second time, she suppressed her beating heart, convincing herself that the man in front of her was not a devil, and would not do anything unfavorable to her in a hotel room with only two of them;

The first time｜I was secretly photographed, it was my fault

In high school, O participated in volunteer training. When she bent down to take notes, her classmate A noticed that the person behind her was secretly taking pictures of O's breasts. A immediately decided to call the police, contact the organizer, and ask the person who took the pictures to delete the photos. O watches A handle everything, standing at a distance. "I really want to stop them from discussing this matter, but I know I can't stop it, and I know they are doing the right thing." O didn't go to the police station, nor did he say a word to the sneak photographer, O just stood there.

"I'm afraid that the photo will be seen by other people." "I'm afraid that my clothes will be reviewed so loosely. I should pack myself tighter." "Why do I have to bend my waist when writing notes?" O is afraid that his private photos will be seen by others, and afraid of being reviewed by anyone. During the conversation with O, I saw her fear of "something happening".

The second time｜It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m okay: Will I be killed by him?

When O came to college, during the three-day and two-night trip, she was accompanied by a gray-haired uncle who was nearly 60 years old. To O, this uncle was like her grandfather. When Uncle said that he wanted to travel east and wanted to be accompanied, O undoubtedly agreed.

During the day, everything was normal and pleasant, but at night, my uncle drove the car to the motel, saying that it would be more convenient to carry luggage. Although O felt strange, he didn't dare to say anything more. O breathed a sigh of relief when they each packed their bags and went out to dinner. Everything was normal, it seemed like she was just thinking too much.

After returning to the hotel, the uncle took out a bottle of red wine and urged O to drink. Uncle poured a full glass out of a mug. O had never drank seriously before, and drank very slowly. After being poured a second glass of wine, the uncle went to O and squatted down, put his hand on O's thigh and started stroking. Things weren't going right, but O didn't respond. During the interview, we did not intend to discuss such details. But O frowned, touched his chest with his hands, and said that he felt depressed and wanted to say something.

When we talked about what happened, O helped to annotate each reaction. It seemed that although she was uncomfortable with being touched on her thigh, she didn't respond immediately.

I actually realized that something was wrong right now, but it might be because I was frightened, or it might be because my instinctive protection mechanism told me: "It's okay, it's okay, nothing will happen, it's nothing, don't think so much."

O finished her drink in a hurry and told her uncle that she was going to sleep. She stood up, but the uncle suddenly changed his appearance and said, "I'll help you when you're drunk." The uncle helped O to the edge of the bed, and O lay down on the corner of the bed. She was very scared. Then she heard the sound of the belt being unbuttoned. Uncle touched her and said, "You're about to fall out of bed, come to sleep." O suddenly felt relieved, but then saw Uncle take off his underwear, and said that this is his habit of wearing when sleeping, so O should not be afraid.

However, he started to grab O's wrist with two hands, put his face very close, and said to O, "You can kiss uncle too." Hearing this, O said, "I think it's really bad to lose a match, and I started thinking, is there any way to get out of this place, we live in the innermost building, far away from the counter, should I run away, or should I choose to let him vent what he wants to vent in order to survive?"

The uncle touched O's fist and clenched it tightly, and said with a sneer, "Are you going to hit me?" O described, "Hearing that sentence, her will to survive came up." She slowly loosened her fist, pretending that she was drunk, and had no idea what the other party was talking about. O passed the night safely.

The next day, O woke up with a fright. She was sleeping with her back to her uncle, feeling a hand slowly pinching her earlobe to her neck, touching it extremely gently. At that time, O could only pretend to be asleep: "I don't know how I should react. If it is resistance, will he want to do something to me? Will he want to hit me and hurt my life?" The next day, O hesitated to lie about whether she had something to go back, but she was equally afraid that such a refusal would turn her uncle into another person. On the second night again, the uncle took out a bottle of red wine and urged her to drink, but this time O refused. O passed the night again safely, only to be touched again the next morning.

O wasn't sure if it was because she was on her period at the time that she survived, or if Uncle wasn't such a bad person. In short, she pretended to be okay, went home with her uncle, and began to distance herself intentionally from then on. But in the next few weeks, she woke up angrily, and her dream was full of the perpetrator's face, and she started crying after waking up. For a few days after the incident, she couldn't talk to anyone, including her family, and she didn't want to meet any boys until she went to find a boy friend with wine.

O wondered: Do all guys do something when the other guy is drunk? Fortunately, that friend scolded O, and O was able to talk to boys again.

The second time｜Why would you want to? Otherwise, how could you stay with him for two nights?

Uncle’s son and O also know each other. After learning that O was traveling with his father, “He widened his eyes like a Chihuahua and asked if he did anything to you.” O didn’t say a word, and then he said, “Why him? You can find better ones.” O was treated as a seducer, not a victim. "Why did you go out with him?" "How can you stay with him for two nights? You won't find a way to leave?" "Why would you?" The implication is to say: If you are a victim, why don't you run away?

I didn't tell him, actually, during that trip, he didn't really do anything to invade me, he just touched me. At that time, I thought, maybe that level is not so serious, I even thought, that should not be sexual assault, it should not be so serious, I told myself like this at the time. Tell myself, it's not that serious.

The third time｜This is my boyfriend, this is not rape

That was the first boyfriend in O's life. After being injured, O always wanted to push others away in intimate relationships, but this boyfriend, not only did he not stay away, but he actively approached him, and he was very considerate in everything. Until one time when she took a taxi home, her boyfriend took her back to his home, taking advantage of O's inability to drink.

This was not the first time O went to the other person's house, nor was it the first time that he had sex with the other person, but this was the first time that my boyfriend ignored her wishes. He pressed me on the bed, forced her head, and asked her to perform oral sex on him. Next, he took the condom and entered her. But halfway through, the boyfriend pulled out the condom and said with a hippie smile, "Ah, it's gone." He continued to enter her.

When I woke up the next day, my boyfriend was sexual again, also without a condom. The next month, O's menstruation did not come, and he went to the obstetrics and gynecology department anxiously. The good news is that she is not pregnant, the bad news is that she has HPV (human papillomavirus), which is a high-risk type. HPV cannot be eradicated, and the virus can only be killed by the body's own immunity.

"When I heard about this, I felt as if I had been sentenced to a terminal illness. I felt that there was an indeterminate time bomb in my body." "I was worried about my health, I was worried about my life, and I blamed myself for not protecting myself enough to let this happen. Why didn't I reject him? I regretted it."

This is O's first intimate relationship, and it is very likely that the risky sex behavior of the day made O contract the virus. O didn't mean to blame her boyfriend, but just hoped that he would also check.

Ironically, when her boyfriend heard that she was infected with HPV, it might be because of their risky sexual behavior. His first sentence was: "So it was my fault?" During the conversation, the boyfriend kept trying to get O to say that it was not his fault.

Reluctant to define as hurt, but still hurt

During the interview, O said a lot: "If I hadn't kept telling myself that I was fine", "If I hadn't gone out with him alone, wouldn't everything have happened?" In my opinion, O's precociousness prevented her from showing panic. It was also difficult to confide her feelings to those around her. But at the same time, she blamed herself and felt guilty.

"I have always been unwilling to record this incident as hatred." "I am not only sorry for myself, but also for the family and friends around these perpetrators. Because I did not refuse and let him do these things, they have no way to accept that their loved ones will do such things."

O must have thought it through enough to justify every action, every motive, but she had also suffered a lot. When people around her hear what happened to her, they often say, "Why didn't you protect yourself? Why are you so stupid? Let's call the police, shall we?" This intensified O's sense of guilt, thinking it was his fault.

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