22-year-old lonely life

There are thousands of reasons for Hong Kong people to move out of their homes, but I dare say that most people regret not moving out sooner after they have tried living alone. After all, in Hong Kong, where there is a lot of money and a lot of voices, even if there is only a corner of the private space where you can cry, it is enough.

I was one of my peers who moved out and lived there early. When I made the decision, I hadn’t even found a full-time job (now it’s just a part-time job plus freelance), but I felt that my mental state was getting worse and worse at home. When I came out, I didn’t want to do work, and I could only stare at Youtube all day. For a person who only has freelance work and pays attention to self-discipline, it is almost no different from breaking a fortune. Of course, it's not entirely my family's problem. It's just that I have enjoyed living freely in a mountain city and Sweden, and I have never been able to fit into the depressing atmosphere at home. Instead of going on like this, it’s better to be self-reliant earlier (Anyway, my mother often boasted that she would buy a property in Saigon after graduating from college – something that could be done in the 1980s and 1990s with a little bit of talent).

I didn't tell my family when I decided to inspect the building, I just invited a friend to see it. There are only three conditions for viewing a flat: sunshine, kitchen (preferably with equipment), and affordability. Looking at the sun is a learned habit in Sweden. When I lived in Hong Kong, I never paid attention to whether the sky was blue or not. Cloudy days were common, but outside the Swedish window was a large sky. I wake up every day because of the sun, and I have an inexplicable attachment to the sun since then. There is a kitchen rule because of the fun of cooking. Working from home can often make you lose track of time and lose yourself, but when you cook, you can let go of everything and focus on the present moment, which is quite meditative. Fortunately, I still have a little savings under the strict money-saving training at home. Although I still have a little heart palpitations when I pay two buttons, I still think it's worth it when I come home tired and can lie on the bed without being disturbed.

Struggle is not without. After moving out, I often wondered whether I was actually escaping from my family’s problems even though I hated my family’s silence to avoid problems. Seeing that many friends stay at home for various reasons (wanting to save a little more money, fearing that the elderly will not be taken care of, fearing that brothers and sisters will face family problems alone...), they will question whether they are too selfish. Presumably there is always a bit of selfishness, and it is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is always self-questioning before going to bed late at night. I often talk to myself like this for a round, cry for a round, at three or four in the morning. The family of origin has the deepest influence on people, and the knot is also the most difficult to understand.

For a while, I was determined not to go home, because I knew that I might not be happy when I went back. But before I left, I told my father that although I was not very happy at home, it would not affect my relationship with my grandparents. So one day I asked my grandmother to drink tea, and my father was there. It seemed that he was still very happy. I would invite my elders to dinner. At that time, I secretly decided that it would be to go back for a meal every week. It's not that the atmosphere is better when I go back to eat. To be honest, I still have nothing to say, but it seems that there is an explanation, rather than suddenly disappearing.

Watching the last episode of "Hot Boy Dad" a while ago, A Rong asked Zhiming if he regretted meeting his ex-husband, and Zhiming's answer was to the effect: "You can't be greedy, the rest is to show off, don't let it go. Decline." Sounds like a cliché. But there are still many people who know that I have moved out by myself, and they feel very envious. What I want to say is that it is good to be independent and to live alone, and I have no regrets so far. For some people, reducing or even cutting ties with family members is the best way to free yourself from being who you are. As far as I am concerned, I know that my family problems are not a one-day cold, and they are not things that can be changed by me being "filial", and the problems are gradually affecting my mental health. However, some ties can not be cut in two. Even if you want to be "insensitive" to people, it starts with "feeling". Living alone is not a random door. Once you leave, you can be independent and free from troubles. With the extra space, it is still necessary to deal with the inner stagnation and trauma.