I'm Jammed. . . I'm stuck

The last follow-up consultation was in October last year... I was originally scheduled to follow up in March this year... but I had a fever that day... so I made another appointment... Yesterday, I had a follow-up consultation...

Peiyan's follow-up consultation... is a major event in the family... We, as a couple, need to prepare everything... We need to rest and clear our minds beforehand... Keep an open mind... Don't make any presets... Don't have personal expectations... Be at ease with yourself... We adapt to each situation...we complement each other...In recent years, I no longer do things alone...I have gradually reached a lot of tacit understanding and consensus with my husband...I feel a lot more relaxed...

As always, I will tell Peiyan one day in advance...

A few days before the follow-up date... Peiyan started to sleep at night... Daytime activities... So she also slept well the day before... Yesterday on the follow-up day, she woke up naturally in the morning... She also said, "Go see Brother Chen (Government clinical psychologist)"... It means she is mentally prepared to leave home... Take her father's car... Go to the hospital... She will see and hear the children... (Because she is particularly sensitive to children's voices)

Yesterday it was still early... Peiyan was already ready... She often reminded me that I had to go out... I wanted to leave right away... But because the time hadn't arrived... I replied: "Brother Chen is busy/eating, and it's not our time yet. We will leave in a few minutes." When I was preparing my belongings, Peiyan reminded me to bring her large sound-isolating earphones (she already wears small noise-reducing earplugs at home to protect herself)... I feel like she has grown up again... she knows her own needs... and she reminds me...

We had already set off one hour before the appointment time... because Peishan couldn't wait any longer... holding two phones in her hands (as important as our adults' wallets and ID cards, because they can always play her favorite videos/sounds) To hide her own emotions and state)... Before leaving home, she kept saying to me in the car: "Pui Yin talk... Mommy don't talk" (Pui Yin talks... Mommy doesn't talk)... Because she knows that I have to answer the psychologist's questions every time... I guess she doesn't like others saying things about her (it seems that children don't like their parents talking about themselves to others)... So I wrote down important things in writing as usual Go up to prevent Peiyan from getting emotional and unable to respond...

The trip went smoothly⋯⋯The traffic was smooth⋯⋯The time we arrived at the parking lot was ten minutes earlier than the opening time (14:00)⋯⋯We suggested that Peiyan and the three of them stay in the car first⋯⋯because we knew there would be a long queue. ⋯ ⋯ So for her sake, it would be better to go up later (the appointment time is 14:30 ~ specially arranged by the psychologist ~ because it hopes to reduce the impact of crowd noise on Peiyan) ⋯⋯13:59 Peiyan has already requested Get off the bus... So we got off the bus after two minutes... Sure enough, there were more than ten people queuing up to pay... Peiyan and I were sitting in the distance... My husband queued up to pay and get the room number... After a while... Yan said she wanted to go inside and wait... It happened that my husband got the room number... so we found a seat and sat down...

During this follow-up consultation...the psychologist came out and asked me if I minded having an intern observe the consultation...I said I didn't mind...I also asked Peiyan...she said ok...and then suddenly Peiyan came in quickly. The room...for the first time she didn't want me and my husband to come in (usually she and I go in while my husband waits outside the door)...she pushed me away hard...and closed the door hard...we adults were a little at a loss...because Never met her before... But it was the first time that Peiyan took the initiative to say that she didn't need to accompany me outside her home... I was also curious about what would happen... So I agreed to let her go alone with the two consultants to see what was going on... My husband is more nervous than me... I pricked up my ears outside the door and listened to what was going on in the room... I didn't think it was a big deal... If I needed it... a psychologist would probably tell me...

Later, after a round of fighting, Peiyan let me in... because I said: "This is what Brother Chen said... He said he wanted to see me... so I want to enter the room"... After saying this... Peiyan stopped insisting... I felt that she understood what I said... So in the room... Peiyan's emotions began to explode from time to time... She cried loudly from time to time... I comforted and answered questions... Finally... Psychological The scientist suggested that you consider scheduling a meeting with a psychiatrist... to see if there are any drugs that can help Peiyan calm down her emotions... At that time, my mind went blank... because I heard the crying... and saw the endless stream of tears. ⋯⋯I have to answer and think at the same time...My energy is instantly consumed...I can no longer function as usual...I can only say: "If it is scheduled, can I cancel it?" The psychologist replied: "Of course." ⋯⋯So I agreed⋯⋯I didn’t want to worry about it anymore⋯⋯

Later, I thought it might be because Peiyan thought she had entered the room... After meeting Brother Chen... she could go home... so she never let me and my husband in...

Because the psychologist knew that Peiyan had black nails on her toes and was unwilling to take a bath and refused to go out, she wanted us to check in more frequently to see if Peiyan would get used to it. So he chose two options for me. Month or three months later... I chose the latter (actually it has always been once every six months)... At that time, I had no energy... so I didn't refute... Later, I felt that I didn't want to go there... Please reschedule... Everything is optional...

⋯⋯Actually, as long as Peiyan is there, everyone’s attention will always be drawn to us. But now my husband and I are used to it. And Peiyan just does herself as usual. She doesn’t She will be affected by other people's eyes... She never feels that there is anything wrong with her words and deeds... She is always so confident...

Leaving the room... I realized that I had gone on a space walk... I was so floating... I couldn't think... I kept laughing... because it felt weird... When I got back to the car... I felt confused I was so weak... My husband who was driving the car laughed when he saw my state in the rearview mirror... Thank you for responding to Pei Yan for me... Let me rest... After I got home, Pei Yan responded to my status... Very energetic... No Call me every time... I'm really tired... Fortunately, Peiyan and I both went to bed early last night...

I have been out of sorts all day today... I seem to be unable to control myself... I can't think... I can't rest... My husband saw me like this... He said, "Because you had a follow-up appointment yesterday, so you are tired... I feel tired even 」⋯⋯I woke up immediately⋯⋯Yes⋯⋯No wonder I don’t look like myself anymore⋯⋯I want to rest but I can’t calm down⋯⋯I’m tired and want to write an article⋯⋯I feel chaotic and confused inside⋯⋯Like a traffic jam ⋯⋯The mind and body are tangled⋯⋯

Today, Peiyan has been clinging to me... calling me... giving me different online photos... asking me to buy slingshot shoes... I feel like... I can't answer her... my body can't move... I have had emotional outbursts several times... I really couldn't bear the fatigue... When she called me loudly... I often jumped... It was as scary as when the teacher suddenly asked me to stand up and read aloud in middle school... When I told her that I wanted to rest in the living room for a while. Yes... She was very angry... Several times she opened the door angrily and rushed out to ask me to come in... She wanted to pull me in... I told her that I was very tired... I needed to rest first... I would go in after feeling better. She... She went back to the room crying and screaming... I heard the sound of something being dropped on the floor... But I no longer had the mental or physical energy to go in and accompany her... My husband came into the room and tried to comfort her... I kept telling him to leave... ⋯After a while, she calmed down on her own⋯⋯

🩵Write it down. No more reading. tired. Rest🩵