Formal diary｜You can

Recently, I have been a little troubled in the process of regular psychological counseling. Every once in a while, I will return to the "same topic". This "fact" makes me feel like I have been spinning around. In the process of things, I can always find blind spots or clues that I didn't notice.

In fact, after consulting for a while, I can gradually perceive the counselor's intentions. Rather than being a "pointer", she wants me to practice myself to "aware" of the crux of the problem.

I remember when a friend shared with me the books she had read on brain science, she said that because the brain is actually a lazy organ (in other words, " energy saving "), many decisions in daily life are actually close to "automation" to execute.

The phenomenon of "automation" also reminds me of when I learned Vipassana earlier, during the meditation process, after a long time, the body began to respond to pain. , loosen your palms or sit cross-legged.

Although during the Vipassana process, I "practice" to consciously accept the "existence of pain", but because my body is so painful, I suddenly don't know how to stop and not pay attention to this "pain". It slowly eats away at my attention and then fills all the gaps in (no) consciousness. Greedily, not letting go at all.

The head was taken away by the physiological response, and the heart also panicked, like a drowning person.

I would like to use the above situation as an analogy to the "unconscious/automatic" self-criticism that often happens to me.

A while ago, a counselor asked me, "Do you think anyone around you is 'criticizing' you right now?" (Not sure why the counselor used the word 'criticism' at the time, I didn't ask, but I think it's here In the context, it is very close to the truth.)

After thinking about it for a minute or two, I replied, "It really seems like I'm the only 'me' left." At least for now.

When the physical and mental state is very fragile and sensitive, if you do not carefully avoid "specific people and things", it will be easy to "automatically" enter the "criticism" mode. Specifically, it is mixed with self-loathing, hatred, regret, betrayal, etc. Emotions; if you dig further, you can even find a little faded love; the love here is a strawberry-flavored lollipop that falls to the ground halfway through.

Although "criticism" is very painful, at the same time, the pain occupies all my attention and cannot be stopped; and the misplacement of the sense of time forces me to look at the wound, but I "can't see" that I am tearing the wound.

The counselor reminded me, "Pay attention to the wording here. You just used the word 'hurt.' Are those people hurting you when you are in pain because of something that triggers your memory? Or, is it actually a feeling of pain from the wound?"

"You are safe now, you can slowly 'release' it." Use 100 times the power of the "monster" to tell yourself.