Formal Diary｜Group Exercise

I recently conducted a group exercise with my friends in the @廟暖community . I really like the questions provided in this exercise and want to share the questions with you. Maybe you can also try asking yourself before going to bed!

 1. Do you like yourself?
2. Do you think others will like you?
3. Do you feel lonely?
4. When do you think of the happiest and relieved time in 2022?
5. Whose face do I often think of now? What's his expression like?
6. Can I think of a time when I was comfortable alone?
7. What can I watch now that will make me laugh?
8. If there are memories running through your mind before going to bed, what are they? Will I cry? Still laughing?
9. If I could go back to that memory, would I react or choose differently?

The way this partner and I practice is we take turns asking each other a curious question.

Among them, when I answer questions such as "Do I like myself? Do I think others will like me? And do I feel lonely?", I am not sure whether I like or dislike myself more. The ratio seems to be They are floating and pulling each other; and I also think that "friends" must like and hate me at the same time, because I am not a perfect person, and it is difficult for people to be 100% compatible with each other. As for loneliness, it is a feeling that I often have, but loneliness is necessary for me. I need time to spend with myself. But when I am in a bad mood and don’t know who to talk to, loneliness It will become unbearable.

Because the relationship between friends was mentioned in the answer, my partner then asked me what the definition of "friend" is.

I seemed to be stunned for a few seconds.

"What exactly is a friend to me?"

When I was younger, my definition of friends was very broad and vague. I thought anyone could be a friend, but at the same time, anyone might not be a friend. In my impression, when I was in a girls’ school in high school, there were different classes within the class. small circles, and I would deliberately keep distance from each small circle, and at the same time try to stay friendly with everyone. However, it is a bit contradictory that during the past two years during the counseling process, the counselor repeatedly reminded me of the difference between "friends" and others, because I often seemed to easily judge that this person was trustworthy. ; At this point my boundaries or defensiveness will be relaxed, and this is a bit dangerous.

It seems that because I am still practicing the process of differentiation, I have become a little afraid of establishing relationships with others during these days.

Today, when I was practicing English speaking with my high school friend Z, I mentioned this discussion to her. After listening to it, she said that she felt that I was born with charming and attractive qualities, but it was just the matter of making friends that troubled me; listen. I was so happy when I arrived, because I knew in my heart that for Taiwanese, my speech is a bit straightforward. Hmmm, but maybe it’s just your candid, consistent personality that makes others feel comfortable?

Later, Z and I also talked about how Taiwanese society or family education often instills in us the need to be likeable people, so we often get used to being patient when facing uncomfortable situations, but forget that everyone has their own boundaries and personality. So in the end the two of us shouted to be ourselves! Stop being a Good Girl! 👊

In fact, I am a little worried that I am going to live in a new city. Will I be able to adapt to the new network of people? As you can imagine it will be a bit uncomfortable, but I want to start practicing getting back into the community. Well, fortunately the local culture is very straightforward in speaking, I think this should be easier for people like me who lack " eyesight and color " :)

In a Nuannuan online lecture, a member asked the people present (half of whom were survivors) that while we are unable to live normally due to our unstable mental state, others are already preparing for graduate school entrance exams and other life plans. And can the perpetrators make up for the time and money costs caused by sexual violence?

Even though I am separated from the computer screen, I can deeply feel the anger and powerlessness from every word she/he said.

It seems that I have never seriously calculated the cost of my own disorder in the past two years. After finishing the online lecture that day, it was the first time I realized, "Ah, I did spend a lot of time and money." I'm treating this wound."

I once joked with my friends that my next goal in life is to simply make money to see psychological counselors and doctors. that's all. Although consultation is very expensive, it is a necessary expense. But who would I be now if these things hadn't happened to me? Would I like that version of me better?

On the day of group practice, when my partner Nuannuan and I came to the following question,

If I could go back to that memory, would I react or choose differently?

I raised this "cost" issue with her.

She said that she actually quite likes who she is now. Because of what happened, she later spent a lot of time taking courses related to psychology or self-exploration. She even took courses in the law department, and I was indeed following During her conversation, I fully felt her empathy and warmth.

Perhaps, there are many things that happen in this world that are beyond our control, they just happen, and we did make the best choice at the moment; even though we stumbled and spent a lot of time in the long process of "caring for wounds". A lot of time, effort and money; and this process is sometimes bloody, but because I am gradually getting closer to my true self, I also feel the hidden power in my body.

Well, I think what we have suffered cannot be made up for by the perpetrators, but at the same time, we must remember to say thank you to ourselves and see how we got here.

This is really not an easy task (hug)!