"Bound."

Date: 2021.09.23

Location: Kaohsiung City

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There is no work, no days to go up the mountain, and a lot of time to read books and write plans. If the graduate school was successfully admitted last year, life would be like this, the only difference is probably whether there are professors chasing their ass to set the due date of various reports.

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No one is staring at my life anymore, even if I spend my time busy, I still get a feeling of solidity and even satisfaction. But at the moment when you feel comfortable, the premise is that you do not worry about the source of expenses.

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At this moment, I am still worrying about which money I will use for my next expenditure. Use the last bargaining chip of the retired army to start a business, and after confirming the dismantling, the money invested can only be expected to be recovered one day. The so-called steadiness can only be felt when the so-called steadfastness is actually only felt when the money is kept in advance in the bank and has not yet been paid to the state.

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Especially at this time, I will miss the days when I was a soldier and still got a salary on the 5th. Although it can't be called a lot of salary, at least every moment when you need to spend money, you are very at ease.

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Although military life is not satisfying, it is still reliable, and in the end, I still make up my mind to choose to leave. To be bound by anyone again, but in the end, it seems to be just a change of form, as if he still hasn't escaped this circle.

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After walking for a while, I thought I could be more clear about what I want, but sometimes I get more confused. I wrote it down countless times, thinking that I had found the answer, but it didn't seem to be the case.

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The so-called "circle" may simply be self-inflicted. The busyness at the moment is to grope about the things that I am curious about. I haven't figured it out yet, and it's not easy to figure it out. So I always feel that I don't have enough time to explore myself. To some extent, I may be bound by time, but I don't want to think so.

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Maybe "time" doesn't really feel like a bondage to my feelings. Maybe it's because I already enjoy it, but the original expectation of "never be bound again" is still unanswered.

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Or maybe there has never been a so-called "binding", just because I can't enjoy it. It's probably like when I hate someone, I hate everything I see, and when I don't like myself, no matter what I look at, I find it difficult.

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It's not hard to love a moment of yourself, but it's hard to love every moment of yourself. Maybe you can only let you like most of the time in your life, but sometimes you are greedy and want to like all of them.

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Maybe when you can like all of them, that is true satisfaction and freedom, but I don't know if it is still me at that time.