Notes from "The Wharton School's Most Popular Negotiation Class"

Author: Stewart. Stuart Diamond
Translator: Hong Huifang, Lin Junhong Publisher: Sensei

■ what is the difference

The title of "The Wharton School's Most Popular Negotiation Course" is straight to the point, and this time I want to talk about " negotiation ". After reading the first chapter, you can grasp the structure of the whole book, and the subsequent chapters are detailed descriptions. The first half of the book is an exposition of the principles, and the second half is a simulation of various situations.

Although it is a negotiation, it actually refers to large and small negotiations in daily life; the author has some propositions on this topic, which may be completely different from your old perceptions:

Invisible Negotiation Skills

Unless you already know what negotiation tools are, they are invisible and hidden in everyday language.

⭕ Know exactly what the tools are, and consciously “decide” to negotiate ❌ Otherwise, you can only act on your “intuition”, which will never progress

based on psychology

It does not rely on reason, and does not encourage oppression by power; instead, it pays more attention to the psychology of the participants: the thoughts in the other's mind.

❌ The purpose of negotiation is not to defeat the other party, to win or lose

Demand for more

rather than fighting for everything.

No negotiation tool or strategy works forever, but the more often you use it, the better . Step by step, move forward.

❌ When negotiating, it’s not about being perfect and hitting a home run ⭕ It’s about hitting an extra hit every few games and improving your batting average

■ Experience

This book is quite thick (about 440 pages), and the line spacing is very dense , which is a bit uncomfortable. Later, I switched to an e-book reader to read it, and adjusted the line spacing to the width I was used to.

At the beginning, 12 negotiation skills (will be mentioned later) throughout the book are pointed out, and they are continuously displayed in subsequent chapters to deepen the reader's impression.

I copied the titles of the 12 principles into a booklet (you can also jot them down in a memo on your phone so you can check them out anytime), chew them over and over, savor them slowly, and try to internalize them.

These principles are like a set of cutlery. Whenever there is an opportunity to "dine", bring some "cutlery" to use. Like "I Want to Talk to You" , the author wants us to:

⚠️ Use these principles consciously and deliberately practice them often

Because there are thousands of situations and objects for negotiation, the selection of "tableware" is also based on the situation and must be well chosen.

■ Notes: 12 Negotiation Tips

1. Goal First

 🔥"Goal" is what you didn't have before negotiating, what you want to get after negotiation

In the process of negotiation, I always remind myself not to go astray, and sometimes I often fall into the quagmire of wanting to defend my own arguments, accuse the other side of being lacking, refute the other side...etc.

Don't go after relationships, interests, win-wins, or whatever because you think that's important.

 🔥 Everything you do in a negotiation should "obviously" bring you closer to the "goal" of that negotiation

2. Focus on the other side (Chapter 2)

Most movies and books describe a negotiation that you get more out of the other side because the other side feels ashamed or beaten, but that's totally wrong.

The key to getting someone to give you what you want is to value (respect) the other person.

 🔥 Think of yourself as the "least important" person in the negotiation, the most important thing is the other party

• Small talk that shows high interest in others
• Find out the opponent's power and affirm it
• Involve others in your problems (the other party will feel like they are empowered)

You must focus on others, build bridges of " interpersonal relationships ", and draw them in to talk to you.

3. Move with Love (Chapter 6)

Every negotiation begins with an emotional negotiation. In order to achieve goals and solve difficult problems, you must first let your emotions cool down .

 🔥 When a person's "emotions" come up, they are so excited that they can't hear anything, they can no longer focus on their goals and needs, but they are more concerned about whether they can hurt the other party.

"Emotional" means to deal with the emotional side first . The specific methods include: apologizing, giving in, showing empathy, or listening to dissatisfied people complaining.

When people's hearts are comforted, it is easier to listen to them, and they know how to think about their own well-being. This is starting from being irrational and allowing the other person to gradually move towards a better outcome.

4. Adapt to local conditions

Echoing the "generalized intuition bias" mentioned in the book "True" , we have to break the stereotype . There are so many differences between people, and not every member is the same even in the most extreme groups.

 🔥 There is no one-size-fits-all approach to negotiation

Even with the same person, negotiating the same thing on different days, the situation may be completely different, and each situation must be analyzed as an independent case.

5. Step by step is the best strategy

One small step at a time , moving toward the target. Gradually move towards each other and gradually narrow the gap.

6. Swap things with unequal evaluations (Chapter 5)

First, you have to find out what's in their head, then what's in your head, then find out what one side thinks is of little value but the other side values very much, and finally swap those two things.

 🔥 The idea in the other party's head does not have to be related to the transaction itself, it may come from anywhere

The main driving force behind it is the intangible. In other words, something important to the other party other than money .

In one example from the book, mother Debbie is dealing with her eight-year-old daughter, Jessica. She asks her daughter to go to bed at 8:30, and her daughter screams to go to bed later. She wants to read more.

Therefore, the exchange conditions that Debbie and her daughter negotiated were: "Go to bed at 9:30" for "Don't wear a belly shirt to school" and "Can't ride a bicycle on the street". Debbie values her daughter's dress etiquette and safety more than bedtime. Her daughter values bedtime more than dress etiquette and safety.

"Children like to be involved in making the rules (feel empowered), and if they can get something, they'll be willing to give up something else," Debbie said.

7. Apply the other party's standard (Chapter 4)

Based on the fundamental principle of human psychology " hate self-denial ".

When you let people choose from two situations: meeting their own standards (in response to what was said and promised before), and violating their own standards, the average person usually strives to meet their own standards.

What if you don't know the other party's standards? Just ask . Asking the other person what their standards are is a sign of respect for the other person.

 🔥 Point out wrongdoing, but don't make yourself an issue

Misbehaving people violate their own standards by violating public order, good morals, and the practices of their company, group, or organization.

It's key that you don't show dissatisfaction when the other person violates his own standards.

This is similar to the "Speaking Observation" of "I Want to Talk to You" : like a monitor screen, without emotional words, stating the facts of inappropriate behavior.

From another point of view, we point out inappropriate behavior to gain "chips" in the negotiation!

8. Be transparent, constructive, but not manipulative

9. Communicate at any time, be open and honest, and express your vision

Don't lie, because the other party will eventually find out that it will be harmful in the long run.

Don't pretend to be strong, to be good, or to pretend that you don't match yourself, and others can see the disguise at a glance.

 🔥 Be yourself and speak up honestly and sincerely.

If you are in a bad mood or too strong, or have something you don’t understand, remind the other person at the beginning . The benefits of doing this are:

• Can reset expectations
• Makes you appear more real and increases your credibility
• You don't need to shy away or negotiate in unnatural ways, you can focus on achieving your goals.

10. Accept each other's differences (Chapter 3)

11. Find the real problem

Perhaps the biggest reason why negotiations fail is communication failure, and the biggest cause of communication failure is misunderstanding - disagreement about the same thing .

Others disagree with you, not because they are stubborn, ignorant, or unreasonable, but because what you think is clear is often "invisible" by others. To them, none of this ever existed.

 🔥 Everyone reacts to things differently

The more you pay attention to this in human interaction, the less disputes you will encounter and the more problems you can solve. This means that if you want to convince someone, you have to start with their known point of view, not your "facts".

 🔥 Explaining "your" view is the last thing you have to do. First of all, you should understand "the other party's" view

To understand what is on the minds of others, asking questions is a great way to find out the real problem.

 🔥 In negotiation, questions are more effective than direct sentences

As soon as you speak the direct sentence, it is inseparable from you, cannot provide you with any information, and only gives the other party the reason to attack you; on the contrary, the question sentence usually helps you obtain information and gives you the freedom of the subject matter. Focus on the other person .

12. Make a list and prepare in advance (Chapter 7)

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