Climbing comb

one

When I was in the English department, my favorite class was literary theory. I always feel that the various symbols and manifestations that life will encounter have long been predicted by ancient writers.

One of the texts I am most impressed with is a story about paralyzing (paralyzing, stagnation, inability to change, numbness), but I can't remember the name of the story now (sad). The gist of the story is a woman who lives by the port. She has always longed to leave the port to see the outside world, but people keep telling her that she can't leave successfully, and of course the woman doesn't believe it. The days passed, and when the woman finally became an adult and had the ability to leave, she was numb, and she began to believe that she could not leave.

two

Recently, I had a meal with an old friend from the university and chatted about each other's work status. I said that in these days when I was in contact with the society, I somehow missed the time in the English department.

I thought it was a carefree day. The professors don't particularly care about us (some professors don't even hold the supervisor-student gathering), and everyone in the department has their own interests in exploring and does not interfere with each other. If you have the same interests, you will naturally get together more often, but there are not a few who like to act alone.

Now that I think about it, it was a particularly beautiful and profligate time. Free and random development, exploration and inquiry. And the English department doesn't like to give you answers, but it won't urge you either. Later, when I left the English department to get along with different ethnic groups, this ease and freedom was often what I missed the most. (Although it is quite difficult to act collectively, everyone has strong ideas, I remember that our graduation trip was not completed, but this is the English department, haha)

three

From the second half of 2020 to the present, I have changed three jobs in half a year. But every time I change, I know what is unacceptable and what is not what I want, and then continue to explore the next direction. But the mental state of this process is not easy, there is a lot of self-doubt, contradiction and guilt.

I recently finished my third job, and some of my states were starting to loosen and change. I suddenly felt that I needed to re-acquaint myself with the whole person. As soon as I thought about it, I found the workplace interpretation of the human map. It took me an hour and a half to re-learn Once again, take stock of your own strengths and weaknesses and suitable ways of living.

Maybe it's because there have been many collisions in the past, and in these collisions, I have become more and more clear about my shape and outline. When an interpreter with a human resources background talks about my abilities and potentials, I can immediately think of the corresponding situation, and I also find that There are points that need further attention.

I was happy the night I finished reading it, and felt that I could finally see myself clearly, not what society wanted. This interpretation makes me feel that a lot of constraints have been removed.

Four

Before starting my third job, I had already made an appointment with my trusted counselor and started the second phase of counseling. At the same time, I also felt that when I entered a new job, I would definitely need some external resources to support me. Own. The next week after the third session, I did the last consultation, which was a complete summary and context of my experience.

I originally thought that I had nothing to continue exploring, but the counselor helped me identify the issue of "fear of authority", and pushed back to some of the contexts of the family of origin discussed earlier, so that I could see clearly to the whole cause and effect. Where do those fears and anxieties come from.

five

Children who grow up under authoritative discipline that is "strict", "controlling" and "prone to anxiety" will also grow up to be "prone to anxiety" adults. But I didn't realize that I was easily anxious because I was "numb" and "ignoring" my emotions. The emotional connection and the natural flow of emotions are missing in my family of origin.

I also don't think the standards in the past are harsh, I take those requirements for granted, so I don't see myself working very hard. My underlying belief is that "others are strict with you for your own good, and no matter how hard you work, you will suffer", so my first two jobs had terrible bosses who were very authoritarian.

six

But these pains and struggles were not in vain. My numbness, and my own cognition, should meet the standards, and the requirements for myself are gradually loosening.

During the course of my third job, my counselor pointed out that I have a talent for building relationships quickly, so even though it's only been three weeks, I've been getting along with my colleagues in the office.

And in the process of discussing with the counselor, I found that I have always wanted to maintain a very "accurate" in my work, which is a very irrational idea. Because we are human, as long as we are human, it is impossible not to make mistakes. But in the face of work, I have been conscientious and conscientious, and I am afraid that something will go wrong.

And the counselor also mentioned, but I need to be able to allow emotional flow in my work, not like a robot. Need to be relaxed, not severe. Need is slow, one that can digest feelings, not fast, one that has been urged all the time.

seven

I just found out that my imagination about work is very simple and I just want to prove myself all the time. Prove that I can, I am good, I can also be very professional and capable, please agree with me. I simply hope that I can get the approval of my parents.

I have always felt that I am out of tune with my family and society.

Eight

The counselor said that the boss you met this time does not seem to be as scary as the first two. You also mentioned that the boss has made some kind adjustments, but you still seem to be very scared. I said, yes, I know he's not that kind of person, but I'm still emotionally overwhelmed; but I think at least this time I tried to express my thoughts with the boss, and I didn't want to be so anxious before that I couldn't say anything (though This time, I was so anxious that I had two super herpes). Because the counselor knew my journey this year, she mentioned that you are changing now. You used to be afraid of your parents, but now you can express your thoughts to them because you have stepped out. Those emotions may be residual emotions from childhood, but in the process of stepping out this time, I believe these emotions will gradually dissipate.

Nine

When consulting with a counselor, I still don’t quite understand what the counselor says: “I don’t think I’m good enough” and “I want to be recognized.” But in the recent days of precipitation, it seems to be slowly understandable.

ten

If you want to be yourself, you can't be numb, you must bravely face those emotional black holes in your heart. I often feel that the difficulty I encounter is not because the tasks outside are difficult, but because I have a big mountain in my heart and hide a lot of painful emotions. But because it was so huge, I didn’t know how to explain the huge emotional pressure inside me to others.

I often feel that my ability is not bad, but I just can't overcome the shadows and demons in my heart, and there are very few people around me who can understand this, and it used to make me feel lonely.

I am now trying to write these experiences. On the one hand, I am combing through my mental journey over the past year. On the other hand, I have begun to find that some friends around me have similar mental journeys, so I hope that through writing, I can also have the same mental journey as many others. Friends who have met have exchanged ideas.

eleven

I'm thankful that I've recently started to see that I have other options. I also understand what kind of situation my "stubbornness" will put me in, and I also understand the origin of the "pain" and "loss" in the past.

I'm going to face the fear, let the fear pass me, pass through me. When this is over, I will open my spiritual eyes and gaze upon the path of fear. After the fear is gone, nothing remains. I am alone. --"dune"