Closing Diary 5: It's the end and the beginning

Everything is the best arrangement

There was a lot of movement in March, something was restless, something was heating up. The number of confirmed cases of new coronary pneumonia in Taiwan has exceeded 300 by the end of the month from less than 100 at the beginning of the month. This breakthrough is sad.

I didn't keep up with the latest regulations. Before taking the train, I finally found the mask that my boyfriend helped me with in my bag, just the last one left.

But now, it should be called "ex" boyfriend.

The portrayal of life in the past few months is like the smash hit "travel frog". I'm either traveling, or on the road, and I'm not at home most of the time. Looking back at the diary I wrote in the first month, I found that the confusion and anxiety at that time had long since left me. In less than a few months, I have accumulated the experience and steadfastness that I have only lived in for two or three years. It feels amazing.

"I am more and more certain of the path I want to walk, even if it is dark, even if I am alone. Because I am my own light and can light up the darkness."

If I still maintain the same life style and environment before I left, the above-mentioned change of mood may not come so quickly! ?

If I were still looking out at the office building, hanging out with my colleagues and friends at work, engaging in the same recreational activities, and longing for that steady salary. I should probably go back to work by now.

If I don’t change the way I receive information, the deeply ingrained value will not be shaken. I will still make the same choice according to my past experience and habits, because I can’t see other possibilities, and I can only go back to the original (mainstream) system in the end. .

Although it is a long-awaited exodus, it may be swallowed up by reality in an instant and turned into nothingness. And then we'll say, it's probably fate...! Gradually believe that this is the only answer in life, and believe that you have no choice.

If you want to change, start with the soil that receives nutrients! After resigning, I tried different departures and changed the people, things and living environment I came into contact with. Meet people who are not at work at this time, and hear their stories of coming here.

Living together in space, listening to different voices, sharing each other's vision, exchanging ideas and life experiences together, seeking common ground while reserving differences. These experiences made me see more possibilities, but also made the expectations in emotional relationships gradually become a burden on my partner.

One is changing all the time, while the other is always the same. An uncoordinated pace is a terrifying presence in a stable relationship. I pulled him in, he pulled me away, and the two opposing forces gradually pulled a gap between us, then a gap, and then a gap. Seeing that we are about to fall in... .

I can't see the boundaries of change yet, and can only allow myself to expand. The unstable economy and the changing state made me unable to find a way to overcome it, and I did not know where to start. Right now, I am a little overwhelmed. All pulling is tearing, there is no way to be a bridge to bring each other closer.

Perhaps what we need is not to change each other or ourselves, but to accept the status quo and embrace change in the relationship.

Before love dies, before resentment arises.

A strong, clear, indescribable intuition that I (we) choose to keep the relationship here.

Maybe one day I'll understand what that intuition is trying to tell me, maybe never. Amu said, "When you hesitate, stop and trust your body's experience." I can only believe that everything is the best arrangement. I can only focus on the present moment and leave everything to the unknown.

The love is still there, it has always been there, it just continues in other forms.

 A series of recent explorations and expansions will come to an end this month. The days of working and changing dorms in Nanzhuang this month gave me the opportunity to think about what I saw along the way and to precipitate myself. Also find a pattern in such a life. Most of the next life will focus on Nantou (probably XD) and creation, which is also the original intention of my resignation. Of course, everything is uncertain, after all, every minute at home makes people doubt life 😅

Achievement of the month (2020/03)

• Illustration: 0
• Music: New song lyrics finalized. Meet new friends with music, I didn't expect my music to have an inspiring day too 😭

• Articles: 0
• Reading: "The Book of the Family", "Kislowski on Kieslowski"
• Number of days at home: 2 days (will continue to increase😅)
• Friendly Nanzhuang Studio Work and Dorm Exchange ( Tidbits )
• The first time to make bread, put shrimp pots, and eat the candidate's water table 😆
• Walking along the Fuba and Hapen Ancient Roads with friends on the mountain, and soaking in the Yexi Hot Spring, it is a paradise on earth♨️
• Participate in the Explore Me Workshop
• Hsinchu cooperates with house building and finishing
• Learn the skill of sitting on a ladder and walking 😎

"Retirement Diary" is a diary that I started serializing after I left my job at the age of 30, one piece per month. Interested can follow : Facebook   ｜ Instagram   ｜ Medium