Release the hurt of being derailed - the implementation method is unified (middle)

𖤐Rationality period 𖤐

The sanity period is my brain's process of redefining all things past, present, and future. During this period of emotional storm, I experienced a rapid emotional and cognitive transformation and prepared myself for the subsequent sobriety transformation.

▶Challenge and question various negative assumptions and conclusions

After breaking up and returning to my home, I still have a bunch of questions to figure out. Maybe it’s because of nature or legal background. After my love breakup, I went through a process of hunger and thirst to find “answers”. Every time I think about the past, the list of questions will have more questions to ask the other person, or want to know more. Facts, absorbing more love-related information, it seems that as long as I have an omniscient God's perspective, everything can be solved.

When I kept recalling the clues of the past like a detective, and kept examining and criticizing, then sadness, anger, and grievances flowed out. I think the average person must also keep playing the marquee in their minds, and then evaluate their own behavior with the other party, and fall into the emotional torment created by themselves. On whose head it fell.

In fact, even if the other person answers all the questions we want to ask, we may never know the "true answer."

Better to find the answer in yourself, what did you believe in the past? Do you still believe it now? How has this belief affected you? Is this effect what you want?

Have the courage to challenge all the opinions you receive in the relationship, especially the part about your sense of personal worth and future development, if you are often treated with disrespect or violence by the other party in the relationship, or if there is a big gap between your values and the other party's values, Be sure to use the above questions to carefully examine your inner response. If the impact of this belief and viewpoint is painful, and you instinctively cry, then we can mark it first, and then use the following methods to try to improve.

▶ Follow your emotions to ask yourself questions to find answers

Many people may think that sadness, shame, and anger will only bring pain and anxiety to themselves, but from another perspective, we have these negative emotions, which usually indicate that "things backfire" or that personal boundaries (Personal Boundaries) have been violated, to put it bluntly. It's your bottom line being stepped on. Just as a hot pot burns the hand, when our self-esteem is violated, our emotions immediately play the role of the warning front, acting as the inner driver that inspires us to change.

I have always mentioned the importance of tolerance and release of emotions before, because I think that blocking the expression of so-called "negative emotions" is actually truncation and blunting of self-sensitivity, which simultaneously weakens our feelings and grasp of positive emotions.

If we want to make good use of the positive function of emotion (negative emotions can also be viewed positively) to orientate our future decisions, we must see and understand the important information it brings. For all emotions we can ask, "Why do I feel xx (emotion)?" For example, ask yourself why are you angry? Is this thing contradicting or stepping on your own boundaries? Can I back down from this line? Or will giving back cause me more stress and pain? (If you are afraid of breaking up, please read this https://vocus.cc/article/6252885ffd8978000177ece6 )

If you have a bunch of questions you want to ask the other person, I suggest you put it aside first, move the focus back to yourself, and ask yourself questions based on your emotions. At least you can answer these questions 100% honestly, right? And those answers are the most important part for you, because you'll get a more effective, inner yardstick for measuring relationships.

▶Look at pain from the perspective of self-growth

Following the above questions, the last important question is: "I am willing to take responsibility for myself, what can I do to relieve or balance this emotion? " The focus of this question is to tell myself that I should take responsibility for myself Instead of relying on what other people do, we can have the "next step (response)", because we can't control or require others to cooperate. In the best case, we can repair and grow ourselves without relying on others. supply.

In addition, if we rely too much on each other's supply to obtain satisfaction in the relationship, whether it is material or emotional, the sense of lack during the breakup will be more serious, and we will want to get back together more. At this time, we may need to recognize that you strongly The essence of the compound desire is that you cannot meet your personal needs, it is not that you really love each other more, and sometimes this relationship is essentially a use of dependence, not love.

From the answer to the last question, we can often see what kind of growth homework we have to accomplish from this broken love. You may need to be more brave to reject the other party, or you need to become more independent, or to respect your own needs and expressions, etc. Wait. Even if it sounds unpleasant, in fact, sometimes we allow others to "continue" to hurt us, but in the first place, it must be because it was the best way to do it at the time; in hindsight, it may not be the case anymore. , and we don’t have to criticize our past self, we can turn it around and be glad that we finally learned a lesson, and we don’t have to repeat it from now on.

Then, we will accept things as they are now, and tell each other the real way, and no longer recall and replay the past, because what we should learn has already been learned.

For our personal healing, the point is not to find the cause and explanation of the pain from the external world or other people; Gratitude to understand learning and commitment to set aspirations.

▶ Ask yourself again what kind of love relationship you want

The more questions you ask and answer, the more you will understand what your desired love relationship is, and you will gradually see the difference between your past relationship and your ideal state . At this stage, we probably already have a stable inner strength, and we know what the choice of happiness is. If you are prone to sway, or have suffered the same injury repeatedly in your love relationship, then write down the love you want and give it to you. You have a clear criterion to select the person who is suitable for you, not just rely on "fantasy" or "expectation" to invest in a relationship.

In addition, for the love relationship you want, in addition to your own feelings, do you think of any way to explore whether the other person or this relationship is compatible? This is not to ask you to deliberately challenge the other party with problems, but to learn to use the existing facts to verify the problems in your mind, and to train your own observation and judgment. Otherwise, the biggest charm of the other party is your imagination.

I didn't expect that I was so talkative, and I continued to write in the last stage of the "Sober Transformation Period". This article would break 5,000 words, and I decided to put it down.

In the next article, I will talk about the little tricks I use to reconcile with each other inwardly, clean up and welcome new people, and create self-motivation.

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