I never thought I could feel like a lost dog in my life

The first time I told my parents about my decision to go back to China was in March of this year, when spring was blooming everywhere in the circle of friends, but the winter in New York had not yet passed. According to the experience of previous years, the last snowstorm here often comes at the end of March and early April, and there will be several fluctuations in temperature with a difference of 20 degrees in succession before it suddenly heats up. So at that time, I always felt that I couldn't make it through.

I actually did a good job of mental preparation before I told them about this decision, but the moment I said it, I still felt guilty. After all, I was the one who wanted to go abroad without hesitation, but now I feel like a deserter.

But what moved me was that although my mother had opposed me several times to leave my family and work and run away, when I was most vulnerable, she didn't say a word of teasing, but told me: "How can life be as you planned? In that way, how about stepping on the idea every time? There will always be a time when one step is missed, it doesn’t matter, we step back to find opportunities and fight again, one setback will not be decisive.”

This is just like what I would say to myself. It gave me great comfort and reduced my anxiety about returning to China by half.

Another reason for my relief is that I know they want me to go back, and my mother, like all other mothers, thinks that the family should be neat and tidy.

Because of this incident, I always tell my friends that it is only at critical moments that I realize that my parents are my last support. Others can relieve me of their responsibilities, but they cannot.

But later, I also vaguely realized that my parents just hid their worries and anxieties, and didn't pass on the negative emotions to me. So I also encourage myself, not to use them as a backer, but to implement what I want to do by myself.

After more than three months, I have applied for some of my favorite jobs and started interviewing and communicating. This made my idea of returning to China more specific and clear. Some expectations slowly appeared in my heart, and I imagined the friends I could meet when I went back. and activities carried out. I even had an idea of starting a business and did a lot of research in New York, thinking about finding suitable opportunities in China to put it into practice. So why not another brand new journey?

Later, because I encountered some unhappy things and couldn't find a way to relieve them, I wanted to talk to my mother and talk to her about the progress of my job search so that I could cheer myself up.

Unexpectedly, before I talked about work, my mother said: "I discussed it with your father. We'd better handle immigration for you. You can go to the UK, Australia, New Zealand, or Canada. Don't come back, you I can’t adapt to my current thinking and what I want to do when I come back. Sooner or later, something will happen. We have managed you many times, and we know that we can no longer control your words and deeds. Immigrants are all for the education of the next generation, we just want to protect you, at least let you live freely."

After the call, I sat in front of the computer and stared blankly for a while, feeling confused and dazed. It was a feeling I had never experienced before. I didn’t know how to describe it, but the tears flowed down from time to time, and I couldn’t wipe them off. clean.

I think back to when I came to study in the United States three years ago—only three years ago, the world was normal. The UK has not started to leave the European Union, Trump has not come to power, and the country has not implemented strict social and speech controls. At that time, I had just started writing an official account, and I had never heard of anyone whose Weibo and WeChat account had been bombed.

At that time, my family was a small comfort zone, and the world was a big comfort zone, and everything was so constant that it was boring. The desire for adventure is at an all-time high. I am so unwilling to live in a corner, and always go abroad whenever I have time, as if only the farthest place can chase my soul.

This is the origin of the sentence "every day the soul cheats" at the beginning of every article in Mitan Buried Bones.

As more and more places were traveled, travel lost its challenge, and I began to be dissatisfied with the illusory freedom it brought, especially tired of participating in the world in a consuming way. That kind of behavior is close to prostitution, and the pleasure is easy to get, but it is fleeting. They are so fresh, but they can't answer my deeper questions.

I used to think that I needed a longer trip, traveling around the world like a friend for several years, to gain a deeper understanding. But fortunately, I chose to continue studying, which made me a different person, and also made me understand that spiritual growth can bring me closer to freedom than traveling in time and space.

On the eve of my departure, I talked with my friend about going abroad. She said: "People always yearn for the other shore, but when you swim to the other shore, this shore becomes the other shore." shows its meaning.

I am not a family lover. Whether I am studying or working, I seldom contact my family. I have always made new friends around me, and I have adapted very quickly after arriving in New York. Here, I also don’t think my status as a foreigner is worth mentioning. Rather than saying that New York is a tolerant city, it’s better to say that this is an enclave. It’s not like a part of the United States, and it’s not like any other place in the world. , which, like everyone here, is unique.

However, my identity as a Chinese also became clearer. When dealing with people in daily life, when filling out various job forms, you often need to indicate your nationality, which also seems to be repeatedly confirming your origin. But more importantly, I suddenly had a unique position to perceive myself and the world—the Chinese background gave me a standpoint to observe the United States, and the American environment also gave me a reference to review China.

Many insights occur from this "absence" perspective, which makes me cherish my identity very much. I am happy to speak in class as a (often stereotyped) "Chinese student" and actively participate in discussions, rather than quietly being a passive object of education. For many issues, I can see their complexity at the first time, and it is easy to analyze and understand them from different levels, which makes me intuitively feel the advantages of being a foreigner - cross-cultural communication and collision The imagination and creativity stimulated are beyond the reach of people living in a single context.

Thinking about it now, even though my life was always two points and one line because of the heavy academic work during that time, the space of my existence seemed to spread endlessly and infinitely broad. I often work at school until late at night, and I am still full of energy on the way home, like an inflated balloon that is about to fly. I have never felt lonely in the bustling New York subway at one or two o'clock in the morning.

My connection with China has also become closer. After the thinking and practical training of American colleges and universities, I feel my progress every day, and I can think more and more clearly about social issues that are closely related to me, my friends and family. And when you have the ability to understand something, it will attract you, so I pay more and more attention to current affairs in China, and I am keen to share my insights. Although mistakes and conflicts are inevitable, more interactions are triggered. It has established the trust and friendship between me and many domestic friends.

I also often discuss the United States with people around me, complaining about the self-centered narrative system of the United States and its arrogant colonialism from various daily trivial matters. Especially after Trump came to power, social conflicts in the United States have intensified, and school teachers have taken the lead in leading the trend of criticism. They not only criticize the president, parties and the system, but also criticize themselves. However, while criticizing, the folks continue to carry out various connection and empowerment activities, which makes people not pessimistic and desperate. I learned a lot from it, as if overnight, I penetrated deeply into the political and social issues of this country, and then used this as an entry point to find a way to understand various issues around the world.

To face the world as an individual, not as a property of any kind of establishment, was a journey I made in New York.

Then I discovered that independence does not mean isolation, freedom does not mean being free from concerns, and a rational, neutral, and objective scientific spirit does not mean not empathizing with the weak, nor fighting against injustice. On the contrary, only an independent and free person would desire to seek the root of everything, including his own. Only a person with a scientific spirit will have a greater sense of love and responsibility for human beings.

When I graduated, there were 25 students from 11 countries in our class, and I was the only one who did the Chinese project. Since our project needs to go deep into the community to do research, distance will be a big problem, so my supervisor suggested several times that I should change to a local project in New York like other students. A, also won the professional outstanding achievement award set by the founder of the school.

In the final analysis, compared with focusing on American issues, it is still the Chinese people, especially Chinese women, who have greater empathy with me.

Readers of this official account should be familiar with it. The theme of my graduation project was to help single professional women in China organize a community and fight against the stigma of "leftover women" in public opinion. The social media campaign launched at that time caused considerable repercussions on Weibo. , I received more than 3,000 messages on Weibo, and the most impressive one was a small pink message under Luqiu Luwei's forwarded post:

"I want to say that this author really learned the right things and used what he learned in the right place. If every international student can be like this, why not our country will be stronger."

I deliberately took a screenshot of this sentence and sent it to my mother.

I don't know when I stopped saying I don't care what anyone thinks. I need a lot of people, I need the love and approval of my family and friends, I want to prove to them that my choice is right. And this is human nature, the emotion that human beings have, the best thing we can give each other in this world, and the only straw that we can hold on to when we are degraded. There is nothing shameful about it.

However, not long after, my Weibo account was also bombed because I posted a post in support of Feminist Voices, which was blocked by the entire Internet. All content and followers disappeared, and all the painstaking efforts, time and emotional labor during operation were also destroyed Obliterated. That was the first time I had a head-on confrontation with the domestic censorship mechanism. I tried various methods to appeal but to no avail. The unwillingness and anger at that time have been experienced too much now, and I have become accustomed to it.

But I didn't stop. Based on the experience accumulated in the graduation project, I continued to carry out some online and offline activities related to women's rights and civic education. In the process of planning and preparing the content, I learned more about the ecology of Chinese society and the historical context of its development. And as the number of people I have come into contact with in China has increased rapidly, their appreciation and respect for me have also allowed me to find meaning along the way.

I have always been only interested in exploring the outside world, but this year I suddenly want to take a good tour of China and gain an in-depth understanding of the lives of ordinary Chinese people.

The emotion is so simple that I'm surprised I didn't get it until today. Even if this is wishful thinking, I still miss my hometown and the fragments of my youth. I want to meet friends scattered in various cities, and I want to spend more time with my retired parents. I want to go to my place, use my language, and share with people in the past what I have seen, heard, and loved along the way.

I know who I am, and that doesn't matter anymore, what matters is that they know who I am.

For the first time, I experienced the existence of a "sense of belonging". The Chinese customs and customs that had been subtly influenced in my youth, and the values and emotions that I had resisted, all began to show their power when I dreamed back at midnight, pulling more and more strongly. catches me, calls me back to my subject.

However, just as I experienced many obstacles when I left, returning home is still not a problem that can be solved with a single ticket. The deterioration of the general environment has made me more and more suspicious and anxious about this choice.

After Alabama announced the strictest abortion law in history, my identification with this country was at its lowest. Although New York has always maintained an atmosphere of equality and diversity to the greatest extent, like a safety island, the squeeze I feel in the virtual world is increasing day by day.

Discussion has become extremely difficult. Everyone seems to be kidnapped by this binary system, either left or right, China or the United States, capitalism or socialism. It is difficult for us to find an independent space to conduct discussions without being coerced express and reflect.

When I realized it, I wanted to try not to use American discourse to discuss China's problems, and try not to use one system full of problems to resist another system full of problems. But this is so difficult because there is no discourse system independent of any power. So whenever I raise a question about China, I will always be linked to the United States, as if China has to refer to the United States for its good or bad. As a Chinese in the United States, my position has also become awkward, and it is easy to be hostile from both sides.

The blockage of information caused by the heightening of the wall has further deepened the division and contradictions at home and abroad. The censorship mechanism has greatly affected the thinking ability, cognitive level and mental state of the public. We have become accustomed to self-censorship, mutual censorship and castration. Even within the same community, fragmentation and internal friction are very serious.

I have recently experienced several bad conversations with domestic friends, and each time left a psychological shadow on me. When I questioned the legitimacy of speech control, someone said, "I have traveled around and felt that stability is very important, but now I prefer life inside the wall. The cost of maintaining stability is not worth mentioning compared to its benefits. .” When I said that insisting on knitting sweater stations might harm the interests of ordinary Chinese people, someone said, “News broadcasts express the wishes of the people. Most people don’t need to be exposed to information at all, and they don’t understand or believe it.” What's even crazier is that I just discussed the legalization of marijuana in the United States in the group, and I was labeled as a foreign slave.

When Trump came to power three years ago, I also made a lot of critical remarks, but most of my domestic friends supported Trump, or had a gloating attitude, so there were several frictions with each other. Looking back in such a situation today, I still can't let go of it. I don't know why many people don't care about the effects of their words and deeds.

In this monotonous environment, I find that many people's comfort zone is shrinking dramatically, so stick to sharing some trustworthy news and quality opinion articles. Yesterday someone left a message saying that I was the only way in his circle of friends to get in touch with the outside world. But more people turn a blind eye and have lost their curiosity about the outside world. They greatly underestimate the value of information outside the wall, so even if they can go abroad and bypass the wall, they will not become more enlightened.

They come out with the wall, which has been deeply implanted in their brains. Having experienced freedom does not make them cry for freedom; having privileges does not make them want to fight for rights for more people; witnessing diversity only further proves their existing prejudices and makes them more Willingness to maintain the status quo, even if it is deteriorating.

Although I don't think the situation in China is as serious as my parents' worries, this is by no means their imagination, but what many people feel.

Recently, everyone who has heard that I plan to go back is urging me not to go back, whether they are at home or abroad. Isn't this a spectacle? What kind of fear makes the nation that has stuck to the land for thousands of years, and the Chinese who regard the family as the center of the universe, persuade their compatriots to stay away from their homeland? What causes the middle class of a country to talk about immigrants all the time?

Just a few days ago, a writer and reporter whom I respect a lot, who was also my friend, had his Weibo and WeChat official accounts blocked successively, which surprised me. Because he is already very gentle, and usually writes book reviews and drama reviews, without any remarks that can be defined as "out of line", but he still hasn't escaped the ban, but he doesn't know where the problem is.

I once talked with him about my plan to return to China, and he said: "Come back, there are still many opportunities in China." "Beijing welcomes you."

Thinking about it, he turned out to be the only one who "accepted" my return to China.

After being banned, I went to condolences to him again. When talking about the current situation of the media industry, his words became: "If this situation continues, don't come to the media, there is no space for you." "Find a way to take root in the United States." Bar."

It's not that I haven't been shaken, and I want to leave a way out for myself. There are always friends who suggest that I quickly obtain an identity through marriage. I have indeed dated Americans with the mentality of falling in love, and I have also met people who feel good, but when it is really time to go further, my heart rises again. confused.

Is this what I want? To be a middle-class wife, to completely shield the bad things in the country, and live a peaceful life? Try to take root in a foreign country and integrate into the local area. After a few generations, you can completely change your own object identity. Or even just find someone to make do with a marriage, and leave after getting the status?

I know it can be done, and there are many examples around me, but I resist it from the bottom of my heart.

Behind this resistance is my disdain for marriage and the rules of the game of capitalism. It’s like seeing Chen Chun write about non-marriage in his article "My Problem Consciousness": "Marriage in China is to some extent a microcosm of the overall reality, unlike what some of my friends said, it is A harbor where one can get a break from the painful reality: the conditions offered by the two parties before marriage reflect all the prejudices of class and gender in this society; the motives for the marriage of the two parties are mostly based on the consideration of some real interests..."

In fact, not only marriages in China, but also in the United States. I'm not going to reduce it to a solution to reality - this is critical thinking that feminism has long been about. If you see the other person as a person, you can imagine that they have their own quests and interests, which are outside of your control. But if you don't treat ta as a person, just a tool to obtain identity, it will be a bigger tragedy, no matter from which level you look at it.

What's more, I have always adhered to a simple survival philosophy: "If you take a shortcut, you will step on a pit." The only difference is the time and form of the pit.

The same is true of the capitalist order. In order to stay in the United States and live a "better life", they have to undergo a series of harsh reviews of visas and legal status. This process itself is an insult to personality. On a larger scale, after capital controls all resources, it uses happiness as a bait to ruthlessly materialize and exploit people. Those who do not surrender to this game will be taken out of its so-called "winner in life" evaluation system.

Consuming and possessing material possessions keep me happy, but reading a book, going to the park, and meeting good friends also bring long-lasting satisfaction. I know that while I refuse to be exploited, I also lose the chance of so-called "success". But I think freedom means not doing what you don’t want to do. As long as I can survive at the minimum, I am willing to maintain this freedom to the maximum extent.

However, such an idea proved to be naive. In this world where there is no more freedom every day, I thought that I could protect the space of freedom just by avoiding and not cooperating, but in the process of protecting freedom, I was cornered step by step.

The final tipping point was the million-person walk in HK more than ten days ago.

There are several people in my circle of friends in HK, including students studying in HK, journalists and writers working there, and friends I met during my previous travels. They immediately posted a lot of live photos and wrote down their thoughts. So in addition to the tit-for-tat narratives of mainland official media and Hong Kong media, they opened up a private perspective for me. Through their eyes, the images I see are full of real emotion and humanity, not the hats put on by ruthless political strife.

In fact, I have always been like this. What I see are people, what I understand are people, and what I empathize with are also people. They are flesh and blood in the tide of the times, not abstract ideologies. Although I don't necessarily agree with all their ideas, I feel their will. They are just trying to protect a free space under the pressure of all forces.

So when I saw my friends in a group saying that HK people are "dirty", I couldn't accept it at all, because I had already embraced my freedom in the wind and rain, and coincided with these people. But on a more fundamental level, it's a wariness and aversion to the whole logic of patriarchy. I am opposed to the discourse system used by the powerful to sway the general public. Just like the phrase "I am for your own good" repeated by the parents, it is the high-ranking people who try to use their own judgment standards to give themselves "property". "Make a decision.

Even if we know a little bit more about the people around us, we understand that everyone is in his own context, and has the ability to make reasonable choices in that context that are most in line with his own values. But these people are repeatedly described as "stupid and bad", thus ignoring the complex dimension of their issues, and using "incited and brainwashed" to deny the existence of free will, because the power wants to deprive each of them of their freedom. subjective initiative.

In this regard, I would like to say that, firstly, people are not "either stupid or bad", and secondly, even if a person is neither "smart" nor "noble", he still has the right to make decisions for himself. The most important thing is, whether I agree with them or not, I despise using power (even if it is the words of power) to stigmatize and suppress the other party, because I know that I may become the party that is suppressed at any time.

But in the end, what prompted me to quit the group was not because I disagreed with my friends, but because I lost the sense of security staying there. During the conversation, a few paragraphs of my words were intercepted by the other party and posted in the group. Although I knew she didn't mean that, I was still terrified at that moment.

I still remember that there was an article called "The Era of Big Reporting Has Come". And when I saw countless reports or fights on the Internet that used screenshots of chats as evidence, and after even my parents reminded me several times to be careful about speeches in Moments and WeChat groups, I became a bird of fright .

This is my closest group of friends. Their relationship with me can be traced back more than ten years ago. They are people who can share even the most private secrets, but I ran away immediately. I didn't think I was really at risk, but I didn't dare to face this sudden distrust, how could it happen? It's like a crack in the solid ground under your feet, and you realize it's actually ice.

It was very late at night, and I was too sad to fall asleep, so I shared two articles about HK in Moments, thinking that perhaps more information could help everyone eliminate prejudice and understand each other.

I didn't expect to send it out, and then I received another private message from another friend, saying: "This matter is too sensitive, don't send it to Moments."

A former student also came to me and asked, "What happened in HK?"

So I sent her an ins and outs written by an HK scholar, and she also forwarded an official report from mainland China to me. I continued to ask, and I said very vigilantly: "You have the ability to think independently, please explore and understand by yourself. judge."

But she took the initiative to write a paragraph to me, and talked about her observations of her surroundings very sincerely. At the end, she said: "This feeling is really scary."

But I just replied to her hastily. I couldn't answer her confusion, and I couldn't help her from fear. I was no longer qualified to be a teacher.

Later, when I saw the sad or angry texts sent by HK friends in Moments, I still couldn’t let go of them, but it was also difficult for me to respond. I can't find my voice, it may have been killed by self-censorship.

One of the people who spoke out was a name I was familiar with. She was a former student in mainland China, and she also participated in the walk that day. Afterwards, she wrote a stirring essay, combining her patriotism and determination to support HK. Tears welled up in my eyes, and my heart was pounding, but I held back repeatedly, but in the end I didn't forward it to my circle of friends, I only kept it in my photo album.

Her bravery and honesty made me feel ashamed, so I want to capture one of the sentences and record them here. It is this sentence that reflects my state of mind:

"I really, really felt so adrift, displaced.

It's really adrift.

This is not a problem that can be solved just because I am unhappy and immigrated. "

Because of the strong resonance, I also posted a self-deprecating sentence in the circle of friends:

"I didn't expect that I would still feel like a lost dog in my life."

Another friend overseas quickly left a message saying: "It's a sense of exile."

As if confirming each other's identities, I replied to her again: "A sense of exile."

Exile is not freedom, but forced wandering.

I felt like everyone around me was being taken from me by a gigantic monster, and I kept losing in the fight against it. The more we want to protect ourselves and each other, the more we are isolated from each other. When we met in sports, we couldn't recognize each other face to face. In a text related to you and me, we didn't even dare to mention each other's names.

Not only do people who hate me push me away, but people who love me also push me away. I repeatedly mustered up the courage to try to approach and connect, but was rejected again and again, physically and mentally. What can be written is just the easiest part to face.

Looking back, how did we get to where we are today? I always go against this world, from the beginning of leaving without hesitation, now I am eager to return. Finally one day, it is difficult to move forward, and there is no way to retreat backward.

I finally realized that no matter whether I return to China or not, what awaits me will be eternal wandering. This is the price that this era demands from a person.

At that moment, I felt mentally exhausted, my whole body was like being run over by a steamroller, falling apart, and I couldn't even move my fingers. I wanted to call for help but couldn't, as if I was afraid that I would die alone at any moment. At the time of death, the desire to connect with the world reached its peak. Whom do you want to talk to and have physical contact with? Whom do you want to comfort and accompany you? hold yourself tight.

Someone in the circle of friends silently posted the song "Broad Sea and Sky". I clicked on it and listened to it repeatedly. After a whole night passed, the tears hadn't dried up, and the blue-white morning light had already poured in from the window. Fortunately the sun will rise as usual and a new day will not wait.

still free self

sing my song forever

traveled thousands of miles

Forgive me for being unruly and indulgent in my life, loving freedom

I'm also afraid that one day I'll fall

Anyone can abandon their ideals

I'm afraid that one day it's just you and me