#和前两做做Don't let past traumas become relationship dilemmas

CH1. What is empathy?

1. Three terms of psychology:

(1). Projection: Project one's unconscious inner personality, whether positive or negative, onto another person; transfer one's own characteristics, feelings, and motivations to others. For example, I think you are very controlling, but I don't realize how strong I am. "Projection" mistook an inner experience for an outer experience. Under the effect of projection, I spend every day with myself.

(2). Transfer: transfer A's feelings to B. For example, feeling dissatisfied with someone at work and taking it out on your partner. The diversion mistook one person for another and took the place of the protagonist of the event. In the diversion, I spend my days with the wrong person.

(3). Empathy: Transferring feelings and expectations belonging to parents, ex-partners, or significant others onto other people. The transference misplaces the past for the present; in the transference, every day is a family gathering. Empathy is a type of transfer. We re-experience the parent-child relationship in our family of origin with other adults.

2. Lack of love means that we cannot get the five types of adult love (5A): Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection and Allowing us to be ourselves. If we haven't been fulfilled in the past, we'll look for the 5As in others. But if we haven’t disciplined ourselves, for example because we’re mourning the past, we’re likely to be filled with insecurities and forcefully demand that our needs be met. We are likely to scare off a potential mate by exuding a "must have" energy. The more we become aware of our own empathy, the more we recognize the need to cultivate, to appease the hunger in our memories, to find those who know how to love us better. In this way, the whole person will be less stressed. We can't change who we really are, we have to be the kind of people who can meet our needs and contribute to the world.

CH2. The Role and Reasons of Empathy

1. Exercises: Addressing, Processing, Resolving, Integrating (APRI). These are four steps necessary to accomplish what we have left undone, so that the transference does not take place so intensely. When asking a question, face it for what it really is. Acknowledging what is really going on and our role in it means owning our own behavior and feelings. Also, look squarely at the wound and how it might hurt someone else. Look at the problem with kindness, not judgment. In this way, we can induce it to manifest more. This refers to looking directly at an experience rather than trying to quickly fix it and pass it by. We open up to how we and others feel. A child gets angry when he is locked in a closet and comes out, and revealing the truth about a matter releases intense energy.

CH3. Ways we can be together

1. Presence, mindfulness and loving kindness break down transference

(1). Mindfulness: We always adopt attractive thoughts and drive away unattractive thoughts. When we treat them as equals, we gradually forget to grasp or run away from the events and emotions of the day. We can tolerate the unpleasant without obsessing over the pleasant. This is the mindful way of processing thoughts. Attitude is "associated thoughts," and mindfulness is awareness of how we think.

CH5. How Our Fears Emerge

1. The four obstacles that create fear:

Each is a central issue in real life relationships; it inspires fear and is the focus of empathy; and each originates from our past and travels through to the present. These four barriers cannot be eliminated, but they can be learned to measure them with equanimity

(1). Come and go

(2). Giving and receiving

(3). Accepted and rejected

(4). Let go and move on

Each elicits primal needs, beliefs, feelings, expectations, and responses—the building blocks of empathy. These four items are the nodes of anxiety in our life cycle because it is so vital to our survival and most of us don't believe we are capable of dealing with it. For example, the departure of others, no matter how innocent, can feel like rejection and abandonment of us.

CH10. Mirroring and idealization

1. In early psychological development, there are two key steps, one is the mirror image of others, and the other is the idealization of others. An important aspect of early life empathy is finding someone who understands and mirrors us. This is achieved when our parents provide us with the 5As, and then we can mirror other adults in our relationships. Idealization consists in finding someone we admire and emulate. In early childhood, we admire our parents' abilities and then slowly internalize them. So we can take care of ourselves as they take care of us. In subsequent relationships, we can go on to take care of others. By thinking about these two developmental threads early in our lives—mirroring of others leads to trust, and admiration to others leads to self-nurturing—we are now better able to understand our empathy. We still look for people who mirror us, like or different from our parents. We still look for people to look up to, like the parents we look up to or fail to look up to. As we've seen, our empathy is based on what we've received but lacked, or what we've missed but want to make up for.

2. Pursue Mirrored Love: Fundamental trust comes from the continued ability to trust the world to meet our needs. Early in life, this basic trust is gained through our parents' consistent provision of our needs. When a parent shows that he understands us, it builds our trust in him. For example, when you see us scared, imitate our fear and say "It's scary, isn't it? It's okay to be scared" This mirrors/attunements our feelings and means someone understands us and gives us safety Feeling, mirrored love (empathy) leads to displays of love (this also becomes the style of compassion throughout our lives. When we see someone else's pain, we put it on our faces and offer helpful actions )

3. How our needs are empathized: The need to mirror, receive 5A, and be relied on by others has become a form of empathy. When mirroring needs to empathize with others, we can be too demanding. We may seek parental love in a person who can only give us companionate love. When idealization becomes empathy, we may enshrine someone as a savior because we need someone we can trust and keep ourselves as a child in relationships. If we believe that a person will be our safe haven, we can become victims. When we live in a world of equality and experience kinship with other human beings, then they are just like us, capable of acting noblely with love sometimes and sometimes not. As we shall see, this healthy kinship becomes a third form of transference after mirroring and idealization. Based on the success or failure of our parents to provide us with mirrored love, we empathize with each other with the hope of receiving mirrored love. We experience "mirrored transference" when we receive a mirrored response from a person in whom we would wish to empathize. Empathizing parental idealizations onto others, like healthy internalized parental strength, is essential to building a stable sense of self, and our idealization of others is how we continue to grow. This is the so-called "idealized transference" . It leads to "twin transference" (the natural extension of idealized transference, where the idealized person is treated as an equal individual to us. It is the derivative and completion of the idealization process), we have a relationship with the person we admire. A more mature relationship of fit and feeling of equality. These three needs, empathy, state that our own full openness is based on a certain echo, that is, the need for a human response to full realization. We are always looking for that part of our potential that is missing and wanting to be one with it.

◆Mirroring makes us believe that others are involved with us, even when they are not around. It is our source of solace, our path to intimacy.

◆The ability to idealize others, let us boldly make it our own. It is the way we challenge and achieve our goals.

◆I feel that I am standing on the same starting point as others, which is the result of mirroring and idealization. is the path to self-esteem and integrity.

#Experience:

"The past kept handing out its bills, but got the wrong creditors"

I found this book with my doubts in my life; the pressure of over-idealization? A sense of abandonment during separation? An over-emotional self during arguments?

How to solve the above various emotions, David Richo explained that it is not necessary to deal with them all at once, and the development line of empathy is independent. Our intellectual development does not necessarily correspond or follow our psychological development. Empathy happens no matter how smart, prudent, or healthy we are. Empathy is a deep construct, an important quality, in human relationships, and it is universal.

Stopping empathy altogether is like killing the subconscious mind. Our purpose is to be mindful, aware of the transference, lessen its impact, and work to mend the wounds it reveals.