Between pain and warmth - remembering the first attempt at canvassing votes in life

*All Lapian in the text refers to canvassing. Because the word canvassing is not very cute, I found it uncomfortable to read, so I replaced it with the self-created word Lapian.

Dear friends, I’m sorry that I haven’t updated the newsletter for so long; apart from the busy preparations for the art festival recently, my energy is also stuck on a very challenging thing - the article Lapian for applying for nomadic funds, the theme is "Through the Cycle" Nomadism, giving back to the environment/community/self and exploring sustainable habitats."

After publishing the podcast "Beyond the Shame of Vulnerability" this year, I made up my mind that I would continue to try things that I would have discouraged myself from doing in the past, jump out of my comfort zone, and challenge myself to new possibilities. Participating in the "Nomad Project" organized by Matters is one of them.

Although the application article was difficult to produce several times, it took two weeks to write it one after another before sending it out. But until the application article was published, I felt that it was better to publish it and participate more; anyway, I will continue my exploration without changing my original intention. As I wrote at the end of the article:

No matter whether I can get funding or not, what I am doing will not be shaken - see, experience, feel, record and share with my heart.

But I didn’t expect that after the release, my enthusiasm was ignited. It turned out that I liked my work even more than I expected! I found that if I didn't try my best to participate in this project, I would be sorry for my own work and leave regrets. I would love to take this opportunity to convey my philosophy to more people, I believe it is valuable!

So, I gave it a go! Since I was a child, I have been afraid of being exposed in front of others, and I don’t like fighting for the popularity of Lapian. This is my first time to challenge the mountain of Lapian.

But it’s really painful to send my article to the few most precious friends and invite them to vote... (Here, I still want to send a support message to Xiaowu first. My friends said "Sorry for bothering you"; and "Thank you everyone for your tolerance and support"!!! I know it's too polite, but I'm heartbroken if I don't say it!!!)

Since the application form was released on December 25, I woke up at 1-2 am for several nights and felt pain in the external skeleton of my heart, rapid heartbeat and difficulty breathing . After that, every time I send a message to Lapian, I feel heart-wrenching pain . I have never experienced this kind of pain around my heart and don't know how to deal with it.

At the same time, due to my physical discomfort, my efficiency in my main job (during this period I was doing preparations for the Natural Art Festival and photography in Qixi) was somewhat reduced. Feeling guilty about this raises stress levels. "You can't even manage your own energy well, you are really incompetent!" The [dark power] (this is the vocabulary I learned from "Anastasia") that has been hidden for a long time began to take advantage of the unstable mood to go crazy. Attack me.

I'm still not very good at asking for help. Everyone is already very busy, and I am embarrassed to ask everyone in the working group to worry about me. The pain lasted for a week, but I could only ignore it and continue preparing for the art festival. Until I met Dr. Jin from the [Pain Management Bureau] at the art festival booth on January 1st, a bone-setting master; he looked at it for me and pointed out that my entire sternum was tight, and the pain was especially obvious where the heart was concentrated. .

I'm a little confused. Having said that, my entire sternum does hurt. I knocked here and there, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. When I walked to Joy's booth, Joy noticed that I was in a daze and pulled me to sit down. I was very at a loss and cried as I spoke. Joy's words touched my heart: You have noticed the body signals, but what actions have you taken? Love is Action!

Yes, I noticed it, but I failed to leave enough rest and space for my sensitive body to digest and adapt when it stepped outside its comfort zone . The most important thing is that I choose to hold on alone and hold the flood with a dam.

I still love my work very much and want to make it Lapian; I also love Qixi very much and want to contribute my best to it. But is there another path that can pursue goals while ensuring physical and mental comfort?

The choices I made were as follows:

1. rest

   Lots of alone time is essential for me to recharge my energy. On January 2, the pain reached its highest point. I felt a dull pain when I didn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak loudly, let alone move. I realized this was my body's warning and stayed in bed for the day.

2. Emotional flood

   On January 3, the pain subsided somewhat, but I still felt heavy in my heart. I used to often run to the sea and cry in front of the deserted forest, so I knew the origin of this feeling. I had a premonition that the emotional flood was about to burst, so I lay on the ground alone and cried for an hour. After crying, I felt very comfortable and rolled on the lawn.

3. Frank

   This time, because I was afraid of disturbing/trouble others, even if there were parts of myself that needed to be relieved and vented, I hid them and tried not to show unstable emotions. It comes from my inability to grasp the scale of the boundary and my fear of crossing it.
   
   I really gained a lot of support and encouragement from showing my vulnerability and discomfort to my friends. Every message brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel many warm and strong hands pushing me forward.

   For example, there was a reply from a senior student in Japan with whom I have a particularly good relationship, which made me both blame myself and feel happy:

   Wow Sunshine, sorry it took so long to get back to you!
   Well...it's officially because I like Sunshine so much that I felt really sad when I thought you came to me just to get votes...
   I'm terrible at popular Lapian stuff, so when you contact me with a very positive energy, I can't say NO... That's why I reply so late!
   But I like Sunshine and your writing, so I want to read it in a calm and relaxed state afterwards... (although my English is weak!).
   I'm sorry that I was incoherent and I'm sorry that I didn't realize how difficult Sunshine was 🥺. It’s important to keep moving forward and challenge yourself, but don’t force yourself!
   Once again, I like Sunshine the most!

   I really want to thank my senior sister for confiding in me her vulnerability and fear of hurting a part of me. I also want to thank her for her willingness to take care of her physical and mental condition and say "NO" to my Lapian. After all, everything is insignificant compared to precious friends.

   I made a picture of my friends’ replies and called it: Collection Box of Love.

Today, January 4, the pain has not completely dissipated, but I can already move normally. My biggest emotion right now is how faithfully my body stores and reflects my emotional state. I know that my body and mind are very sensitive. Most of the time, I can clearly detect where the current emotion occurs in my body, what shape it takes, and the direction in which the potential energy emanates. But I didn’t expect that the feedback loop between body and mind could be communicated so quickly.

I don’t know how my physical and mental condition will change and what new awareness will emerge on January 15th, when voting closes. I began to look forward to what this attempt to step out of my comfort zone would bring to my future path. (To be continued, continue to update)

Thankful that my mind and body are so connected. I believe that as long as the body and mind are connected, see, understand, and appreciate each other, there will be no big problems .

🌟Finally, if you who read this appreciate my candor, please clap your hands for my "Nomad Project | Exploring Sustainable Habitat by Giving Back to the Environment/Community/Self through Circular Nomadism" and get a LikeCoin as a gift. Support my exploration and creation! Every piece of encouragement can convey to me more courage and love.