2023, let go and you will be free

“Hello everyone, I’m Lin An, a content creator who has not worked for six years and has interviewed more than 100 freelancers.”

This is how I’ve introduced myself most of this year.

Since I resigned, I have been defining myself by the work and things I am doing, just like I defined myself by the platform when I was working.

One day, when I was tired of these labels attached to myself and wanted to tear them off, I faced the second "identity crisis" in my life.

After tearing off these labels, who am I? Am I still valuable to others?

These problems always recur at different stages of life.

The last time he appeared was before he completely left the workplace.

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In 2018, I quit my job to interview "100 People Who Don't Work". Because I started early, everything went smoothly. Soon, I received unexpected attention from the entire network.

So, for 1 year, 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 5 years... 6 years, I have been carrying the label of "freelancer" and gradually, I have turned myself into a label.

I know that many people envy me for having been born at the right time and having such a great starting point. I have been very successful in my freelance career and have come to where I am today.

Publish a book, start a business, build a brand, form a team, become a blogger. Over the years, there have been people who want to retrace my steps.

For a long time, I enjoyed this state and even became addicted to it.

It wasn't until this year that emotional breakdowns again and again reminded me: Maybe it's time to stop.

1.

The first time I realized that I was not in the right state was in early April this year. At that time, I had just returned from a trip to Hong Kong. After experiencing an emotional peak, I instantly fell into a trough.

I feel like I'm back in my student days, not wanting to go back to school after every long vacation.

It's also like the depressing feeling you get out of bed and go to work every Monday morning after working for a while.

Going into this year, I knew I was avoiding something, but I chose to ignore it because I had a tough battle to fight in May.

During the Spring Festival of 2023, the entire team was ready and decided to do a great job.

Unexpectedly, the career that once made me decide to do a great job encountered strong resistance from personal emotions in the spring of 2023.

For more than two months, I brainwashed myself over and over again:

“I’m just too lazy”

“I’m just not in good shape lately”

"We've come this far, don't give up halfway"

"So many people are watching you, get well soon"

On one hand, the brain is actively working on itself; on the other hand, the body and emotions are honest: unable to get out of bed, unable to move, continuously depressed, loss of appetite...

In this way, negative energy slowly spreads from oneself to the people around you.

It was a long time later that I realized that when people do things they neither like nor are good at, they become distorted and ugly, nothing goes well, and it also affects their interpersonal relationships.

In the summer, when I realized that some people in the team were also carrying heavy burdens and struggling alone, it was already too late.

Regret, anger, powerlessness, grievance, fear, despair...

For the rest of the fall, I was tormented by these invisible emotions.

2023 is the sixth year since I turned my hobby into a career, and the third year since I started my own business.

This year, the four words "freelance" have become my biggest lack of freedom.

2.

So what exactly is the problem?

For a long time, I couldn't find the answer, so I attributed the problem to the outside world, creating more psychological problems and interpersonal conflicts.

It wasn't until this summer that I found the answer at an offline co-living event.

I saw a sentence, which roughly means: Interest, business and career are completely different things.

I seemed to see the root of my suffering - I had confused these three.

In the early days of freelancing, I turned my interest into a profession; in the early days of starting a business, I turned my profession into a career; from last year to this year, I even wanted to turn my career into a business - I was obsessed with perfectly integrating "business and passion".

The ending is - neither commercial nor sentimental. I almost became schizophrenic while struggling back and forth.

In September, I hit the lowest point in my life ever. I wanted to go crazy every day, but I had no one to talk to.

One night, I went to talk to a psychologist, who told me that all emotions have value, and even anger should be accepted.

I started practicing gratitude, being grateful for all the people and things that had brought me negative emotions, and trying to understand them from another perspective.

I also began to accept all my emotions, "I know you're feeling bad right now, it's okay, just let it stay with you for a while."

When I decided to accept all the negative emotions deep in my heart, it was as if a hole had opened up in my heart, and all the bad emotions from the past slowly flowed out like black liquid.

I have a living, beating red heart again.

In October, "I think I am ready to face the problems that I have to face." I told myself, "Only by facing fear can we overcome it."

3.

In 2023, I allowed some people to disappear from my life.

But this is not a bad thing. Saying goodbye to old relationships can allow new relationships to grow.

The change that makes me most happy this year is that I took the initiative to go out and establish a lot of real offline relationships.

In fact, after the age of 30, I have become increasingly clear about what kind of friends I want to make, and I am no longer willing to compromise myself in interpersonal relationships.

I care more about the quality of my friends than the quantity of them.

In the spring, I went to Hong Kong to meet "my other self in the world." The friendships that we cultivated online during the pandemic became special offline because we experienced more moments together.

At the end of autumn, I traveled to Europe alone. Sometimes, only by going out into a completely unfamiliar environment can one stimulate the curiosity and desire for exploration that have been dormant deep in one's heart for a long time.

The excitement of seeing the world through a child’s eyes finally returned to me.

The four trips in spring, summer, autumn and winter have brought me unlimited energy. Every time my life has come to a standstill, it is traveling that has helped me regain my vitality.

4.

With this strength, I finally had the courage to face the question that I had always known deep in my heart but had never dared to face:

“Do you really love your job?”

“In the future society, I hope everyone can love their job, so that work is no longer a matter full of complaints.”

This is a sentence I wrote in my book "Just Work, Not Go to Work" published in 2019.

Now, I have become that person who doesn’t love his job.

This year, it became increasingly difficult for me to feel joy, growth, passion, and value in my work. Instead, it drained my energy and made me hate myself more and more.

Thinking back to when I left the workplace, wasn’t I in the same state?

At that time, my choice was to jump out of my comfort zone and dive into unfamiliar fields to explore new directions.

This time, I vaguely felt that I might have to jump out of my comfort zone again and enter a completely new field to write the script of my life.

In the past, I received a lot of "medals", which gave me an illusion that I could keep wearing these medals.

Everything I've experienced this year makes me want to clear everything and start over.

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In October, I gave myself the longest vacation ever.

In the six years since I resigned, I dared not miss any opportunity. I always put work first and gradually became a self-disciplined and powerful "involution machine" in the eyes of others.

This time, I just want myself to stop and rest.

I started freelancing in the hope of achieving a balance between work and life. However, in the past few years of freelancing, I seem to have never really achieved a balance between work and life.

Before going to Europe, I told myself: My life deserves a long vacation where I can focus on my life without any distractions.

In November, sitting by the lake in Salzburg, Austria, facing the endless snow-capped mountains and lakes, I heard an inaudible voice whispering in my heart: In fact, the life you want is never that kind.

At the foot of the snowy mountain, I asked myself a few questions:

“In a few years, do you want to be that role model for success?”

The answer is: "I don't envy them, nor do I want to be like them."

“What is indispensable in your ideal life?”

The answer is: "Intimate and healthy relationships, works that I approve of, and inner peace."

“What’s the worst that could happen if you gave up everything you already have?”

The answer: "Spend all your savings and go back to work."

Just like the question I asked myself when I left the workplace six years ago, this time, I got the answer again.

The moment I decided to let go, I was like a person who had been drowning for a long time, finally floating to the surface and regaining the pleasure of taking a deep breath.

Only by facing fear can you forget it.

When I decided to tear off the label of freedom, freedom came to me again.

This is 2023, a year of ups and downs, freedom and unfreedom for me.

Finally, let me summarize this year’s biggest gain in one sentence - only by daring to let go can you reap a new beginning.

If you are also experiencing the darkest moment in your life, don't panic or be anxious. Please believe that after the long night, there will be dawn.

In 2024, I hope we can all start from our hearts and get closer to the life we ​​want.

-end-

Lin An, author of "Only Work, Not Go to Work"/host of the podcast "Reverse Life"/brand manager of Free Living Room.

His representative work is "100 People Who Don't Go to Work", which continuously investigates and tracks lifestyles such as freelancers, digital nomads, and remote work.

Weibo/Official Account/Xiaohongshu/Bilibili: Lin An's Living Room