between chance and necessity

Tonight, I finally finished watching all the interviews with Michelle after the Oscars, and finally clicked on her acceptance speech. The first sentence is:

"I want to tell all boys and girls like me that this is a beacon of hope and possibility. Dare to dream and dreams will come true."

On Monday morning, I just learned that Michelle won the award. After class, I chatted with the classmate sitting next to me and asked her if she had watched the Oscars last night. She replied that she hadn't, and asked if I had any favorite movies that won awards. I paused for a moment: "There seems to be an Asian film that won several awards." She walked quickly in front of me and pushed open the hallway door, saying, "Interesting." Then immediately began to talk about how she hated the assessment of a certain class form. I also quickly echoed her voice, we parted at the library door, and the topic no longer knew where to go, I suddenly told her: "That movie is called Everything everywhere all at once, you can look for it." She was a little surprised and smiled. He agreed and left.

I stayed for a long time in the early spring morning when the sun and cold air coexisted. What do the words "Asian", "female", and "winning" mean to me? What does it mean for people like me who are constantly migrating between cultures and borders? What border do I need to cross to get here? What ladder does Michelle have to climb to prove that this "lighthouse" does not exclude us of a certain color and gender?

I can't interrupt my friend's thoughts because I'm too tired. I'm tired of checking my English pronunciation every time I talk, I'm tired of pretending to understand their humor every time, I'm tired of trying to explain something important to me every time. So I let these unspeakable weights weigh on my chest, and I felt like a dead volcano, silent, quiet, unnaturally peaceful. Jade told me a long time ago that such a cheerful person like her was described as "quiet" when she came to the United States as a teenager. "Your character will be reversed by a completely unfamiliar environment." She said lightly.

Michelle went on to say: "Ladies, don't let anyone tell you that you are past your peak." She then said that she would dedicate the trophy to her mother, all mothers, because they are true heroes.

I think of Evelyn in the movie, Michelle is still barren and infertile, and I think of my mother. She first chose her partner in a way of rebelling against the family without hesitation, and then proceeded and ended in a mode that did not conform to the traditional heterosexual framework. Married life, and finally educated me as an adult with weird, incomprehensible, and different ideas. She is the "female who ran away" in the family, and her departure paved the way for my departure and the departure of other women in the family. She undoubtedly has a history of marriage and childbirth as turning points in her life, but she is like Evelyn, who can be stronger after each deviation. She is the coolest, most queer woman and mother in this universe.

She's said "I'm proud of you" to me countless times, but I want to tell her that I've always secretly admired her and that I'm so proud of her. It is so accidental that our lives can be entangled, but our tacit understanding and love make it so inevitable. Evelyn, Michelle, my mother and so many other mothers...their achievements and failures, their courage and vulnerability, their departure and stay, are all with me and you, with her/him/ta related.

Hearing Michelle say the last sentence "This is making history", my tears rolled down into the teacup in my hand. I know that there are women like me in every corner of the world who are weeping for the same reason. I seem to be standing in front of them across a distant space and time.

And we are no longer lonely, dead volcanoes.