whose failure? Read Li Yi's "Memoirs of a Loser"

(This article was published in Yinke Literary Life Journal. 2022. November)

Before I met Li Yi, it was hard for me to imagine that someone could write current affairs commentary for a lifetime—from writing in their 30s to their 80s, more than 50 years, and in each era, there are countless new readers joining, And old readers still follow.

what does that mean?

This means that every generation of readers can gain new knowledge and timeless insights into the world they live in through your pen-whether they agree or not. This means that no matter how many times and how great the world changes, each time, you are always in the depths of the collective mind that undergoes the change. Only by being able to capture it, and even follow it, can you win generation after generation and be swept away by the change. young heart. This also means that you need to have a very open mind system, a very keen empathy ability, a very diligent self-discipline, and a passion for self-innovation from time to time. In the end, this enthusiasm must also need a more internal driving force, such as curiosity or infatuation, or both, in order to last for half a century.

There is no shortage of wise elders in the Chinese-speaking world. A master in the history of thought, a master in the literary world, an artist who has reached the pinnacle, and a master of life in a chic life...but there is almost no second Li Yi.

From the 1960s to the 2020s, based in Hong Kong, he has been writing for half a century, closely following, personally witnessing, and recording almost every important collective trend of thought in the Chinese society. , or the host field itself has become an important source of thought.

Those who love him regard him as a mentor for generations of young people. His haters say he's an inconsistent chameleon. He himself called himself a "loser" in his memoirs completed in the last two years of his life:

"What I advocate and promote throughout my life, society always develops in the opposite direction, whether it is reading, independent thinking, or democracy and freedom.

 …In a world where facts are no match for lies, truth is no match for power, and where power and money rob all value systems, as a writer who is loyal to himself, it is difficult to avoid constant frustration. Especially since I have been writing for such a long time, and faced with such great changes in China, Taiwan and Hong Kong, when I think back to the goals I have promoted in different periods of my life, I undoubtedly think of setbacks and real failures. life". "

In the turbulent historical trend, especially in the evolution of ideological trends, how to judge the ups and downs of a person and social ideological trends can itself be very polarized. Whether he is loyal to himself or keeps changing with the times, the judging criteria are not easy to grasp-it also depends on the relative position of the judge himself and the trend of thought, and if he is not careful, he will fall into the rut of fighting against dissidents, worshiping or criticizing others.

Before "Memoirs of a Loser", I was not a loyal reader of Li Yi. I am amazed and admired by his political commentary career that has been on the front line for half a century, but many of his views in political comments are different from mine, especially in the era of Apple Daily, and even fiercely contradictory.

Thinking about it later, there may be a kind of time-space dislocation.

I have not experienced the magnificent historical ups and downs from the "70s" to the "90s". For me, the ideological trends that Li Yi was involved in or instigated in the first half of her life already need to be looked up in the library. Historical data, it is difficult to have a personal experience.

In the second half of Li Yi's life, when he was the editor and host of the speech section of Apple Daily in Hong Kong, the object of reflection and criticism still came from the "Leninist socialism" that he was engulfed in when he was young: he was particularly concerned about the situation where equality overwhelmed freedom. Sensitive, full of vigilance against the reality of tyranny in the name of the ideal of "pursuing equality for all" but bringing about "concentration of power equalized by a few". Therefore, he distrusts the political concept of "equality" very much, and often thinks it is hypocritical political correctness, saying that "freedom" is his consistent pursuit for the rest of his life.

And I grew up at the end of the 20th century when neoliberalism became the mainstream of the world. Whether in China or Hong Kong, what I experienced was precisely the era when the single worship of economic freedom led to uneven distribution of resources and the social structure of the disparity between rich and poor. Globalization and technological development once brought people yearning, but they did not make the world "flat", but exacerbated this inequality even further, so we are witnessing the new totalitarianism being fed bit by bit in such a structure grow up. "Freedom" is of course extremely important, but for me, equality is not a hypocritical issue, and the pursuit of freedom cannot be without the restriction and balance of the dimension of equality.

Although Li Yi and I feel similar to the crisis, we have very different understandings of its causes and ways of understanding it. Naturally, the ones I read more are also those who share my feelings and opinions.

Therefore, before "Memoirs of a Loser" , for a long time, I liked Li Yi personally more than I liked his views.

I met Li Yi for the first time in Hong Kong in 2017 under the introduction of a friend. Although I am not a classic reader of him and "Apple Daily", and we have spanned several generations, the chat was surprisingly smooth.

Li Yi is a senior. He has a legendary life experience and a wide range of friends. I am full of curiosity, but often before I have time to ask questions, he will throw a lot of questions at me, and listen to my answers carefully. The perspective is interesting. He also responded to his own point of view, but without any sense of preaching. Even if the point of view is different, he always appreciates the sincere thinking, and always encourages young people: I believe you must have better solutions than me. I once wrote down: "Through discussing with him, you will understand that on the road of sincere thinking, you and him are just passers-by on the road together, sometimes side by side, sometimes intertwined, regardless of high or low."

At first, I thought it was the cultivation of the elders: treat others with generosity and keep a secret. It was only later that I realized that thinking like this was the heart of a villain.

He always writes his thoughts honestly and directly, without covering them up, and without going around in circles with grand narratives; but at the same time, remains curious and open, and respects other people who are honest with his thoughts, whether they share the same views or not. This is the core reason why he can achieve such an achievement-he can make friends with many people with opposite positions and backgrounds, and when he hosts a speech position, he can also be inclusive, use different spectrums, and engage in fierce articles, even at the expense of offending his boss or patron.

Many of the experiences he wrote in his memoirs echo the process of developing this value.

He mentioned that when he founded "Seventies", he was in the mainstream leftist trend, but he hoped to get rid of the blind obedience to the extreme left:

"At that time, I was deeply influenced by Lu Xun's essays. Lu Xun said that although he could be regarded as writing "obedience literature", "what I followed was the order of the pioneers of the revolution at that time, and it was also the order I was willing to follow. It is not the imperial decree of the emperor". Therefore, "obedience to literature" is not to obey the orders of others, but to obey one's own orders. If editors and writers do not follow the ideology they believe in, and blindly follow the imperial decree to write and edit, they will never Texts that produce real feelings....The intention of creating "The Seventies" was to try to follow the "follow what you want to follow" when the leftist culture was bound by the ultra-left trend of thought at that time, so that it could not provide readers with any humane products. find a way out of the order of

In the editing process of "The Seventies", he paid special attention to readers' feedback:

"I pointed out in the editor's remarks that the readers of a magazine should be its authors, and the authors of a magazine should also be its readers. This means that a magazine is not run by editors and writers for readers, it is not to "educate" readers, it is not to use fixed Instead, readers participate in the discussion of world society and life, and readers and authors seek answers together. My declaration shows that the magazine will adopt an open attitude. As long as the manuscript is well-written, fact-based, and unique I will adopt my opinion. Because of this policy, I later changed my understanding under the influence of the manuscript. I founded this magazine, and this magazine also created the rest of my life.”

He mentioned that in his 1980 speech on the east coast of the United States, he proposed "From Identity to Re-understanding China", and then developed into a speech and book manuscript, which was regarded as a break with the leftist camp:

"This is not a sign of success, but rather a sign of failure. It is my self-destructive future when I was considered a model of success among the left. However, after the article was published and the book was published, I was in a better mood than I had ever had before, a kind of The feeling of me writing my heart, completely true to myself, with no stakes. It’s beautiful.”

He also understood in practice that the basis for the practice of such multiple values comes from freedom, and he defended it all his life:

"From my own experience, I have seen the impact of free speech in Hong Kong on mainland China and Taiwan. Here you can see information that ordinary people on both sides of the strait cannot see, and you can get in touch with people who have personal experience and don't have to worry about causing disasters by words. Here, leftists and leftists can attack each other, and they can also communicate peacefully, and make their own judgments in various information. Here, speaking with conscience will not compromise their own safety. Freedom of speech is a must for all political systems and all people’s rights. necessary."

It was "Memoirs of a Loser" that really made me a reader of Li Yi.

His memoirs are not so much a record of his personal life and historical events as a memoir of a certain social trend of thought. Just like what he himself wrote in the article: "Because of his life's work, the focus of the memoir is not the record, but the mental journey. What kind of social consciousness is the starting point of the mental journey is the first thing to explore."

Li Yizeng has been unable to make up her mind whether to write a memoir.

After 2017, every time we go to his house for gatherings, we will talk about this topic. He always has two knots in his heart: First, the experience of my life is useless to the younger generation, right? Is it that important to write it down? The second is that writing autobiographies cannot escape the Rashomon-style self-beautification. I have seen many autobiographies distort history to an unsightly extent. Will I do the same without self-examination and eventually become a laughing stock of history?

The second point is that people often comfort him. If he can be self-aware and self-reflection from time to time, he doesn’t have to worry too much. Besides, he can also have friends to check and confirm it, so as to avoid a person talking to himself.

As for the first point, I have never been able to understand where this panic comes from. The ups and downs of a lifetime spanning the twentieth century, if you are willing to share, must be the most precious public wealth. How can you worry that the younger generation will not need it, or it will be useless to the future world?

When Hong Kong entered the largest social movement in history in 2019, Li Yi completely let go of the brewing and entanglement of the memoir. Like a soldier, he returned to the front line, wrote comments and analysis every day, devoted himself to the public opinion position, and supported the young people on the street with his pen. At the same time, he always hated himself for being too old and lacking courage to go to the front line.

I read Li Yi's essays one after another, and I began to understand why he struggled with the question "Are memoirs important?"

In the midst of a revolution, no one needs to remember. In a city where he risked his life to break through, Li Yi hoped that he would be at the forefront of the freedom front, a fighter, at least as he himself said, he could "take a bullet in the front" for young people. He probably also hopes that the young people in Hong Kong can keep breaking through in this front line, and there is no need to listen to the memoirs of the old people.

This is also the role that Li Yi has played for half a century—surfing and analyzing at the forefront of the trend of thought, and having a dialogue with the latest readers, rather than cultivating theories behind or writing memories.

In the 2019 documentary "Sit and Watch the Clouds Rise", Li Yi described her choice in this way: "Under the freedom and rule of law in Hong Kong, I am also on the edge of China and living in a narrow environment, which has created my life. I want to maintain this condition that provides me with the realization of the value of life, the original value, and I want to maintain it until my death. I don’t give up because I am old or I am looking for comfort, I think this is the final realization.”

Memoirs are precious records of history. But someone who has been writing for a present audience certainly knows that people really look back at history only when there is no hope for the future. I think Li Yi may be looking forward to this day not coming.

In April 2021, after all the violent incidents have returned to the gloomy waters, there is not much that can be done, and Li Yi understands her final responsibility. He began to write his life testimony, and named it "Memoirs of a Loser".

The first chapter of the memoir was published in "Apple Daily". On June 24, 2021, "Apple Daily" ceased publication and high-level officials were arrested. Under the risk of being arrested, Li Yi hurriedly moved to Taiwan. He has said many times that he does not want or want to leave Hong Kong. Except for the necessities of life, a full set of "The Seventies" and "The Nineties", a few books and materials needed for writing, and a chair that has accompanied him for decades, he has almost nothing at home in Hong Kong. His home in Taipei is more like a studio. In addition to meeting guests and a few activities, he spends most of his time writing.

It seems that there is only one last task left in his life: to remain free, to complete his memoir, and to leave a testimony for future generations.

In less than two years, Li Yi's health declined rapidly. Perhaps because he is aware of the unstable state of life, he seems to be trying his best to seize the last time, and pours all his energy into his writing, as if he is running a marathon at the speed of a 100-meter sprint.

Li Yi once quoted Qu Yuan's poem in the article "I still have the kindness in my heart, even though I died nine times, I still have no regrets." He said that this sentence has guided his life: "What I pursue is the completion of a life that runs through my life... the completion of a life that is constantly frustrated but does not change its original intention."

The serialization of his memoir was finally updated to Hong Kong in June 2019, "The Past I Want to Forget, But Can't Forget". I think that half a century has been full of turmoil, and this year of writing, even if he is reluctant to give up, Li Yi also understands that he has done his best and explained his journey, so he can pass it on to the next generation.

It is also in this memoir, which is very succinct in words but soul-stirring when I read it, I understand better the relationship between Li Yi and the trend of thought in which he lives.

He is open to the flow and debate of the trend of thought itself, but the choice of his position is based on the most basic facts and the most basic value that can accommodate this fact-freedom. Therefore, he is like a mirror, reflecting the ups and downs and ideological evolution of the Chinese world for half a century with his continuous writing, while maintaining a stable subject loyal to himself, making his thinking spanning more than half a century a worthy analysis in the history of Chinese thought. Important sample.

He said he was a loser. But rather than saying that this is his personal failure, it is better to say that he is just like a mirror, reflecting the rise and failure of global socialist experiments in the first half of the twentieth century, the domination of neoliberalism in the second half, and the new The disintegration of the world is full of crises. As Nietzsche said, he allowed himself to practice in these trends of thought and live out the contradictions of the times. A "loser", leaving a brave footnote for the large-scale thought experiments that have been oscillating in human history.

He likes Winston Churchill's famous saying: "Success is not the end, failure is not the end, only courage is eternal." He believes that courage is the foundation of all qualities, and it is also the support for him to finally overcome all obstacles, leave doubts behind, and complete his life with final testimony.

"A person's failed life is the end of a person, but not the end of the latecomer. A person's courage is his eternity, and it is also the eternity of the latecomer." He said.

"Memoirs of a Loser" serialized by Li Yi: https://matters.news/@yeeleematter