Reasons why 30-year-old career women cannot fall in love or get married

Hello everyone, I am Lin An.

March was originally the women's activity month of "Free Living Room". We prepared salons with the theme of "New Free Women, No Career Limits" in six cities across the country. However, the recurrence of the epidemic disrupted the rhythm and activities in many cities had to be postponed.

But fortunately, there is still online. This month, I invited several popular guests from the podcast "Reverse Life" to return to discuss the career, family and love of 30-year-old women, and try to explore how, as a career-oriented, independent woman over 30 years old, we can pursue freedom in this era of women's awakening.

The freedom here can be economic freedom, emotional freedom, body shape freedom, and appearance freedom.

In the first episode, I invited Song Yue, the manager of Wild Operations and also a new podcast host, to talk about how two "workaholic" women who were born in 1992 and are about to turn 30 view love and marriage.

This episode of the podcast will be released in two articles. In the first article, let’s talk about “The reasons why career women over 30 cannot fall in love and get married.”

The following is a summary of the highlights of the conversation. You can scan the QR code to listen to the full program on the Xiaoyuzhou app.

You are also welcome to interact with us in the comment section: How old are you this year? What kind of relationship status are you in? Are you satisfied with your current relationship and life?

Guests of this issue

Song Yue, community manager of "Wild Operation"/author of "From Traffic to Retention"/host of the podcast "Someone on the Island", is currently working in remote growth operations at a domestic online education company.

All employees in her company work remotely, which allows her to juggle multiple roles. In addition to her main job, she also uses her spare time to write books, operate her own 3,000+ paid communities, and create self-media content and online sharing sessions.

Does “work brain” affect love?

Lin: Songyue and I have one thing in common: we are both very busy at work and are considered workaholics by outsiders. There is a term called love brain, which is used to describe those who put love first. I came up with a corresponding term called "work brain". Do you think you are a work brain?

Song: I think so, but I think work-related brain has little impact on my life and intimate relationships, because work can bring me great energy, which is something that other parts of life, even love, cannot give me.

I also think that life and work should be separated. I am two completely different people at work and in life. At work, I tend to pursue perfection, be fussy and detail-oriented, and be more serious. But in life, I am very cheerful and casual, and I am a typical experience-oriented and adventurous person.

Others may look at the state of my life and think that my mental age is relatively young, so I separate these two parts.

Lin: I am a bit like you, I am also a workaholic. But the workaholic state will affect my ability to develop an intimate relationship. Last year, I also met some guys who were concerned about my starting a business, especially those who were very busy themselves.

Others will look at you with the tinted glasses of a "workaholic", and many people think that it is not good for girls to be workaholics, and may even be "afraid" of you because of this.

Song: This situation will definitely happen. You and I are both active on social media, and people think that Lin An and Song Yue are KOCs or KOLs in certain vertical fields.

I have recently been following a variety show called "Half-Ripe Lovers". I agree with what Xue Zhaofeng said as an observer:

For two people who are very suitable for each other, their eight senses must match each other. The eight senses refer to the five senses plus the three outlooks.

How can your five senses and three views match each other? You need to complement each other in production relations and be as similar as possible in consumption relations, only then can you make it to the end.

For example, in terms of production relations, the woman may be better at social relations, but the man may bring more income to the family. This is a complementary production relationship.

Having the same consumption relationship means that both of you are homebodies, or you both like outdoor activities. You have a lot of topics to talk about, your three views are relatively similar, and you can feel a lot of new things when you are together.

How should a relationship between a strong woman and a weak man be handled?

Lin: But I have observed some real cases around me, such as "double-entrepreneurship families", that is, families where both people are starting businesses, and the probability of conflicts is higher. Especially in some relationships where the woman is strong and the man is weak , it is inevitable that the man will be psychologically unbalanced or in some daily communication processes.

Song: I have seen cases of strong women and weak men around me, but the relationship between this couple has always been good. As an observer, I really appreciate how they get along.

There is a relationship of mutual learning and competition between them. For example, when the boy sees that his wife is better than him in some aspects, he does not think "I am weak" or "I can't save face". On the contrary, they can see the strengths of each other, feel happy for each other from the bottom of their hearts, and see "what I can learn from each other".

So there is a little bit of a secret rivalry between the two of them in life. After spending a long time together, they have become better individuals.

I have been reading Jin Yong's novels recently. The Huang Rong and Guo Jing he created are actually a very typical "strong woman and weak man" combination.

Huang Rong is a female character in the Jin Yong universe that I like very much. Her father is Huang Yaoshi, the master of Huang Island. Her family is very rich and has a high status in the martial arts world, but she fell in love with Guo Jing, who was not a good match for her.

Guo Jing is not only a poor boy, but also very honest. I even think that his honesty is a little stupid. But Huang Rong is attracted by Guo Jing's sincerity and integrity. In her eyes, this honesty and stupidity are both advantages.

I think Guo Jing is more than ten levels lower than Huang Rong, but Huang Rong is able to be more compatible. Moreover, Huang Rong is also very good at showing weakness and tenderness when necessary.

For example, Hua Zheng came to Guo Jing to marry her. Huang Rong said, "Since you are engaged, Brother Jing, you should marry Hua Zheng. Although I am very sad, I can understand you. Just marry her. I know that you have me in your heart." But in fact, she was very painful inside.

At the same time, I think that although Guo Jing looks stupid, he knows very well that he will never be as good as Huang Rong. "Rong'er is smarter than me", "Rong'er is always right. When I encounter any difficulties, I just listen to Rong'er." His mentality was very positive from the beginning.

So I think the combination of a strong woman and a weak man still depends on the values ​​of both parties, and whether they can truly practice such values ​​in order to go all the way to the end.

Lin: I think in the example of Huang Rong and Guo Jing that you just gave, both the boy and the girl made some appropriate compromises in this relationship. This is the premise.

Once one party in such a relationship is unable to compromise, conflicts are likely to arise. I think this is also related to the long-term teaching and discipline of men and women in our social environment.

For example, in the 1970s, if you were a working woman, people would look at you strangely, wondering why you were still working after getting married and why you were not at home taking care of the children.

But now, whether you are a full-time mother - a family-oriented woman, or a career-oriented woman - still working in the workplace, everyone thinks it is a very normal thing.

But for men, it seems that what society has always taught them is a choice: you have to be the pillar of the family, you have to become bigger and stronger, you have to make more money, you have to buy a house before you can marry a wife, and so on.

This concept does not give men an option to step back or return to their families. It seems that they can only pursue their careers forever, but cannot be full-time dads, support their significant other, and make the other party better than themselves in their careers.

This social reality may also be the reason why strong women and weak men cause more controversy in our current environment.

Song: In recent years, I have been in contact with people born after 1995, or even soon after 2000. I found that the boys of Generation Z are very accepting of the social phenomenon of strong women and weak men. They may even think that this girl is amazing and has a very charming personality. I really want to get in touch with her and learn something new, rather than her causing me too much pressure.

What does this tell us? Girls don't have to look for someone older than themselves. We can also be compatible with younger boys. Just because a boy is younger than you doesn't mean he is mentally immature.

Second, I think you have to find the core when you are in a relationship. What is the core that you are looking for?

My former boss was always worried about my personal problems. He gave me some advice that I found quite useful. He said that it is not difficult to find a lifelong partner. You just need to know what you care about most. Just like him, the most important thing he cares about when looking for a wife is whether the other person treats him well.

As long as this core is always there, other aspects should be tolerated with an inclusive attitude, because no one is a perfect individual.

Why are there more and more single women in big cities?

Lin: There are many large cities and new first-tier cities where many outstanding women are single. What do you think is the common reason for people to be single?

Song: I think first of all, everyone is under great pressure from work and life, and has no time to meet the opposite sex. The key is whether there is enough time to develop a stable relationship after meeting the opposite sex.

I think it is not difficult to meet someone you like and who also likes you. The difficult part is how to establish a high-quality relationship afterwards.

Another thing is that women are becoming more and more independent . They are no longer dependent on men, either financially or spiritually. I mentioned earlier that I am following the show "Half-Ripe Lovers" recently, and many of the things said by the guest Wang Ziwen may be very inspiring to women in their 30s.

She said: "At my age now, I have enough material life to satisfy myself, and my spiritual life is also relatively rich. So my requirements for love will be more pure. Whether the other person can bring me happiness is the first thing I consider. Love has become more of a icing on the cake, it is more like a luxury. It's better to have it, but it doesn't matter if I don't have it. "

Third, life is becoming more and more diverse . Before the Internet was born, we might need love or a significant other to solve the problem of loneliness. But now there are many interesting things. For example, I am addicted to craft beer and talk shows. There are many things that make me pass the time and live happily. I even think that mobile phones are more fun than boyfriends. So why should I have a boyfriend?

Lin: I would like to add two more points. I just mentioned that girls in big cities have very few opportunities to meet the opposite sex. I agree with this point. Especially after becoming a freelancer, you will find that you no longer have the kind of regular relationships with a group of colleagues that you used to have in the workplace. Your relationships with most people are in a very unsustainable state.

For two people to enter into a relationship of mutual appreciation and mutual growth, it must be confirmed after repeated socializing for a period of time. Nowadays, single women in cities often lack the environment and soil for fostering long-lasting and stable social relationships .

Most of the time we meet someone at an offline event. If neither of the two people takes the initiative to maintain the relationship and keeps asking the other out, the relationship can easily die at any stage.

Secondly, I read an article a long time ago that analyzed why there is a common phenomenon in China that the group of men who are "left over" are very uniform, that is, the poorest group, but the women who are "left over" are of all kinds.

There are two pyramids in the article, which divide men and women into different levels. Here we should introduce a concept called "upward marriage" . It means that most traditional women hope that their partners will be better than themselves in social status or economic level.

If women in the fourth tier want to "move up" and find men in the third tier, the resources of men in the third tier are limited, so some of the women in the fourth tier who cannot "move up" are left behind. (Although I personally hate the words "leftover men" and "leftover women")

But for men, their ability of "downward compatibility" is very strong, so the women who are "left over" in the end are of all kinds, especially the women at the top of the pyramid. They have no way to migrate upward and can only be downward compatible.

Women who are unable to accept downward compatibility will have to face the situation of not being able to find a satisfactory partner.

Can you accept not getting married for the rest of your life?

Lin: Can you accept not getting married for the rest of your life?

Song: I always have a yearning for love. If I really meet the right person, I will confess my love to that person even if I am 70 years old. But if not, I will not choose to compromise because of social pressure or because I feel that I will lose face if I don’t get married now. My standard will never be lowered.

Even if I have to face a lonely life alone in the end, I may go to a nursing home in Beijing to contribute volunteer hours in exchange for being able to live in a nursing home in Beijing at a discount or even for free in the future.

Even when I just graduated, I always had a dream: I want to build a nursing home by myself, called Sunflower Nursing Home. I imagined it to have three floors, the first floor is a billiard hall, the second floor is a disco, and the third floor is where everyone lives. All single friends of Chen Songyue are welcome to check in at Sunflower Nursing Home.

Lin: This reminds me of a news story I saw before, where several old ladies in Japan rented an apartment together, each living on one floor to enjoy their retirement together. Many people used to envy this form of mutual assistance and cohabitation among women.

Many people are now anxious about how they will support themselves in their old age and whether they will end up alone. I think when the number of single women and singles grows, there will definitely be a solution. Because our policies and systems are all for the benefit of people, when this group gradually grows, society and the country will have to think of some ways to solve this problem.

So I think that many of our current concerns are a bit ahead of time. Maybe when we are in our 80s or 90s, single people will become the mainstream of society, and they will start to "discriminate" against married people? (Laughs)

Song: Yes, and the nursing home I just mentioned is a place where men and women help each other, so it will definitely be more interesting. So you don’t have to worry too much about the elderly care issue. I think there will be a solution for everything. When the time comes, things will work out.

The theme of the next article is "The era of plural marriage and single-life retirement is coming soon", please continue to pay attention :)

"Reverse Life" is a podcast program by content entrepreneur Lin An.

From time to time, we invite people who think in reverse and have a unique attitude towards life to talk about their life experiences and satisfy the public's imagination of life outside the mainstream.

The program format is mainly chat and interview, and the topics cover career choices, lifestyle, self-exploration and psychological emotions.

I believe that there is no absolute truth or correctness in this world.

In addition to following the crowd, we have other directions to choose from.

Lin An, author of "Only Work, Not Go to Work"/host of the podcast "Reverse Life"/brand manager of Free Living Room.

His representative work is "100 People Who Don't Go to Work", which continuously investigates and tracks lifestyles such as freelancers, digital nomads, and remote work.

Weibo/Official Account/Xiaohongshu/Bilibili: Lin An's Living Room