In your imagination, what does a survivor of sexual assault look like?

A few days ago, I listened to the Podcast of the episode " I was sexually assaulted, but the teacher was silent... ". There was a paragraph in it that mentioned that the behavior of survivors of sexual assault may be "normal" in front of outsiders, but it is normal Under the surface, perhaps to divert attention from past injuries to other places; in the podcast speech, " Silence " author Chen Zhaoru mentioned a survivor who was still a student, and the student said that she/he must focus on I study hard and get good grades in exams, so I don’t think about what happened to me, but in front of outsiders (teachers), I think students with excellent grades behave as “normal” and don’t look like a “victim”.

I always feel that the word "victim" puts the victim in a relatively weak or vulnerable position, and if she/he doesn't appear to be vulnerable in need of help, it doesn't seem to be accepted; but In the past few years since I first realized that I was sexually assaulted, I think most of the time I can still be like an ordinary person, complete daily and work tasks, communicate with friends normally, maintain interpersonal networks, etc., only at certain times, because of some I still can't fully identify the triggering factors, so I will lose the ability of life that ordinary people recognize, and the whole person will enter a violent but weak "survival mode"; it is very like encountering a monster while playing video games. As the outline of the monster becomes clearer, The rhythm of the background music began to accelerate slowly, and the game character also transformed, but the HP value on the body was only 10%, and the state of the whole person must be up.

If I succeeded in defeating the monster, it might not be because of how good my skills are, but because I suddenly remembered that there was a can of life potion in my backpack. Yes, in Survival Mode, I actually forget that I actually have a can of life potion in my bag (laughs); but more importantly - monsters are monsters, just games, not what's going on right now . Defeating monsters just means—I remember being able to log out of the game, log out of the victim scene, and return to my real identity as a "survivor".

To me, the above description is the moving process of the two identities of victim and survivor, which are dynamic with each other, not fixed in a certain state.

The word surviving is describing a situation in which the person is doing everything possible to survive; although in "survival mode" I seem to be incapacitated, such as crying all the time, not eating, not sleeping or sleeping for a long time, rejection Meeting anyone, etc., but these are protective mechanisms that have helped me through this time; the body is "negotiating" with a vast grief that seems to have no boundaries, beyond the reach of consciousness.

A traumatized person, (as those protective mechanisms show), is fulfilling the potential that a person needs to survive. - Nuan Nuan Lecture "Childhood trauma and companionship, how to enter the valley of life? >

I recently joined the survivors community initiated by @nuannuan. Before joining, I actually hesitated for a long time, worried that I would not know how to get along with other survivors, but so far (my emotions) are quite stable. , although I'm quiet in the community, in group practice, for the first time, I found it nice to be able to include the phrase " I'm a survivor " in my self-introduction, and when I heard someone say "I'm a survivor , too" When the person responded, there was a power that slowly rose like a bonfire from the bottom of my heart. It was the comfort of being accepted, and this premise may be because of knowing that we share the same identity; but nonetheless, because of my own Physical and mental state, when facing people who are also survivors, I will choose to deal with sexual assault-related topics more carefully, because I understand that this may be a trigger for both parties.

Thinking about it now, maybe my "worry" about joining the survivor community at first is reflected under the surface - invisibly, I also have a predetermined impression or label of "survivor"? I imagined that maybe this group of people would be the same as when I was "attacking", with difficult to get along with, landmines everywhere, high mood swings, irritability and anxiety, etc.; After communication, there is an opportunity to bridge the gap between imagination and reality.

A big thank you to Nuan Nuan for providing this supportive community and many high-quality lectures (and hot cocoa)!

I remembered that a citizen of Matt City asked me before whether this writing account would only publish texts related to sexual assault (of course, he did not ask so directly), I remember my reply at that time: I did not intend to put myself His writing is limited to a specific category, but what he wants to write and what he can write is affected by the current state. Although I did hesitate and fear, because I was worried that when the realm of writing touches more overlapping with the real identity, will it bring "danger" to me? And this society is not ready to accept our presence; but I think most importantly, I understand that I want to make more people aware of the "true face" of sexual assault survivors. So, if the situation permits, I will continue to write.

Well, that's it for today.

So what does an imaginary "survivor" of sexual assault look like to you? : )