My Brilliant Friend

Yu An and I have known each other since elementary school, and we have been together for nearly 16 years. We live in different cities and don’t see each other often, but there is no distance between us. Maybe some people are attracted to each other in the dark. When we first met, I didn’t expect that we would be good friends for so many years. Now I firmly believe that we will be good friends for as long as we live.

I used to be a sensitive, timid and uneasy person. Since I was a child, I felt like an animal learning how to be a human being. I observed how others get along with others and how they behave in the world. I adjusted myself little by little, hoping that I could become a "normal" person. When I first met Yu An, she was a particularly warm and lively person in my eyes. It seemed that her every move was easy, happy and natural. I was unconsciously attracted to her and approached her. There are many differences between her and me. After getting along with each other, I found that there seemed to be more similarities. Yu An once said that I was a person with enough strength to pass on strength to her, but in fact, for me, she was also the person who passed on strength to me.

We did a lot of things together, such as climbing mountains (we couldn't climb up halfway), reading books, watching TV series, variety shows, traveling, commenting on each other's posts, and chatting. We often found that our thoughts and ideas were exactly the same. Yu An was a more courageous and aggressive person than me. Maybe I was not such a brave person, but because I was with her, I became confident and brave. When we were in primary school, we didn't know what outrageous reason was. The exam was suddenly cancelled when there were only a few days left. No one told us why. At that time, we didn't understand the policies and regulations. We only had primary school education and were full of anger. Yu An said she would ask the director of the Education Bureau why the exam was cancelled. Basically, when she asked me if I wanted to do something together, even if it was something I had never thought of, I would answer without hesitation: "Okay." Perhaps it was because I believed in her from the bottom of my heart, and I knew that the direction she and I were heading must be the same. We wrote a letter to the Education Bureau together, sent the letter to the Education Bureau in the town, and really went into the director's office together. There was no teacher or parent accompanying us. Only the two of us elementary school students asked for an answer. I was probably too young at the time, and we were fooled by the adults and went back. But this incident gave me a lot of courage and confidence, and this memory always shines in the long river of time.

Once, I went out with some friends for some reason. The others were walking in front, while Yu An and I walked slowly at the end of the crowd, chatting intermittently about Dream of the Red Chamber. We happened to pass by a small river bridge in the town, and the breeze blew on us with the moisture of the river. I no longer remember whether it was day or night, but I only remember that I felt very peaceful and comfortable at that time, as if there were only me and her in the world.

We didn't see each other often. We only saw each other every day when we were in the same class in elementary school. Later, we went to different schools in junior high school, different classes in high school, and even separated in different cities after college and work. But we talked about everything. From QQ to WeChat, we talked a lot on the Internet, most of which were meaningless nonsense. Before college, our life rhythm was similar, attending classes, taking exams, and rushing to the college entrance examination. After entering college, because we were separated and studying completely different majors, we were busy with our own studies and lives. For a while, we hardly contacted each other, but we were like two ropes tied with the same knot. Although they stretched in different directions, they were connected deep in our hearts.

She and I walked on our own, but somehow we were walking on the same road. Even we ourselves were often surprised at how our states, thoughts and ideas could be so synchronized. When we were studying, we were both determined and hardworking people. We followed the same path as many people, constantly studying, taking exams, passing the college entrance examination, graduating from university, and heading towards work, full of curiosity and hope for the future. As we walked, we found that the front seemed to be a fog. After studying hard and working hard, where were we heading? The turbulent environment made us realize that the things we once believed in were no longer solid, and it seemed that there was no point in working hard.

When I felt hopeless, with no future and no goals ahead, Yu An also entered a similar state. She should have even noticed the problem earlier than me and started to criticize the huge monster earlier. Anxiety and pain followed me everywhere, but she was always by my side. Later, we continued to read books and listen to podcasts together. Inspired by Seahorse Planet, After School and books, we began to learn feminism. Our self-awareness became stronger and stronger, and we found it increasingly difficult to endure the confinement of reality.

Because reality and thoughts are out of sync, the process of gradual awakening and increasing self-awareness is very painful, but fortunately, we always have each other by our side, we can tell each other about our pain, encourage each other, and find new directions and possibilities together. Our troubles may be insignificant in the eyes of others, but no matter what others think, as long as we still have each other in the world who can understand each other, it is enough. Because of her, I no longer feel lonely and helpless, even if the road ahead is still unknown, and I don’t know whether it is a paradise or a cliff under the fog, but she knows me and understands me, and there is someone to accompany me, everything is no longer so scary.

The emotional connection between people is wonderful. In my heart, Yu An is as important as my family. As we grow up, we are constantly intertwined, collided, and influenced each other. It is hard to say who influences who more. She is her, I am me, but she is in me, and I am in her.