7 questions about parent-child relationship: Gao Yifeng VS Ye Yang

Arrangement｜Yang Ruoyu, Liang Xinyu Author｜ Liang Xinyu (Deputy Editor-in-Chief of New Classic Culture) Photography｜ Huang Leiling

➤Q1: When did your son know you are a writer?

Gao Yifeng : About the second and third grades of elementary school, Xia's school issued a parental occupational survey. He wrote "novelist" on the survey form. The questionnaire also included the income status of the family and the future of the job. How, he wrote: "Not very good, this job will be replaced by AI in the future." (laughs)

This is the first time I found out that Xia knew that my father was a "novelist" and that "literary worker" was an identity, and was sadly told that my career would be replaced by AI in the future.

Ye Yang : I recently gave birth to my youngest son, so I used this break to try to be a full-time writer. In the past, my child knew that I was going to work, and there would be an "office", but now there is no such thing. He didn't quite understand what was going on. He would ask me, "If you don't work, why don't you become a police officer?" He felt that the police station was a police station. Stylish workplace.

I often write about what my son said, because he was so funny and stuttered for a while, I wondered if he bumped his head, and then I learned it was a process. He is now 7 years old. When I took a picture of him recently, he would say, "Don't put this one, because there are places that cannot be exposed." The problem is that he thinks that the parts that cannot be exposed are the whole body below the neck. trouble. (the crowd laughs)

➤Q2: When parents write about their children, will the people who write and be written feel uncomfortable?

Gao Yifeng : Xia began to notice my daily conversations with him on Facebook, probably when he was in fifth or sixth grade.

I guess the discomfort might have something to do with shame. I once posted a photo of Xia showing two o'clock when he was a child. At that time, he was very happy, maybe a little proud: "I'm very cute." The like rate is very high. Until a certain time later, he said to me: I hope he will see all the photos and texts that will be posted in the future. I said yes, and the review mechanism started.

I think that's when gender awareness begins to sprout, and with it comes a sense of being seen naked and defensive. Originally, posting the dialogue was a small gesture of making a record. I hope to keep this moment and review it in the future, but it turned out to be difficult.

I'm actually terrified of writing about my family. Ye Yang wrote that the family is very straightforward, violent and interesting. As a father, I may be more shy and worried, and I can't instinctively chase after running and jumping. The hardest thing for a writer is to write about things that are very close to you.

From digging out himself to writing about his family, Ye Yang wants to know what you think about this matter?

Ye Yang : When I first started writing about Mr. Peter (my husband), I didn't think about his ideas. Because I know him too well, I have known him since the age of 16.

He has a hard time reading a book, and I say, "What do you think of this book?" He'll say, "I read a ㄓ ㄤ." I thought it was a chapter, but it turned out to be a page, so I'm not very worried about him .

Once I met a colleague in the elevator, and she said, "Look at your book, your husband is very funny! But my husband read it and said, "It's so bad to be your husband!" That's when I started to think, is it right? It should be written like this again.

Gao Yifeng : When others read our writing about our family, it feels different from the writing we do with our family. Every time I write about Xia, although it is only a short conversation, my mood is actually complicated.

➤Q3: What should I do if I watch a movie together at home and see a restricted-level scene?

Ye Yang : Watching Netflix now, there are occasional sex scenes, which are caught off guard. In the previous film and television, this kind of scene would have some pretensions, and I could expect that things were about to happen and could be turned around. Now the plot is straight-forward, and there is no time to intercept it, so my son sometimes sees such scenes. At this point I would think: will he be hurt? Do I care about him?

One day I asked him, "Have you seen that girl take off her clothes? What do you think?" He said, "Mom, she will catch a cold like this. Did she have air conditioning before she got naked?" Because when he came out of the tub, his father would Said to turn off the air conditioner to not catch a cold.

My son is still young, but Big Brother Gao's son is already a teenager. Would it be embarrassing to discuss this in front of him?

Gao Yifeng : This is really an important topic for modern parents. The predecessor of the book "Chat Talk" was a column in the family edition of the United Daily News, in which two or three articles were written about children's sexual awareness and sexual enlightenment. The edition really needs this kind of content.”

I said, "Will it be? Taiwan is very progressive, so it should be very open?" The editor-in-chief said, "Everyone will discuss it, but it will not be open." The implication is, "It's rare that you are willing to talk about this openly."

All my articles written by Yu Xia will be reviewed by him first, and he has also returned two of my manuscripts.

One of them was an adaptation of the song "Ding Ding Ding, Ding Ding Ding, how loud are the bells" into a "underpants version", which contained a lot of sexual signals. When Yu Xia sang this song in the big class, like Robbie, she didn't know the difference between boys and girls at all.

The other one is related to changes in secondary sexual characteristics. He said he wasn't feeling well and that the groin was not a feeling he was familiar with. I said that this is normal. If it is very uncomfortable, take a cold shower, which also shows what physiological phenomena boys may have.

Once in elementary school, his classmates teased him that he should go to the girls' toilet because of his long hair. he is very angry. I explained to him that girls can also go to the men's toilet when needed, and boys can also go to the women's toilet after seeking understanding from the girls; some cafes and libraries have shared bathrooms for men and women.

I think Ye Yang just said to take the initiative to ask Robbie: "Did you see it?" This is very important. If we cover his eyes, I don't think it's healthy for his sexual initiation, as if that thing was wrong.

Asking "Did you see it?" I think is right, and I will do the same.

Ye Yang : My husband's reaction was very different. Once while watching a cartoon, a sex scene suddenly appeared, and my husband yelled, "Do you want to eat meatballs?" and then grabbed his son to eat meatballs. At the same time, he glared at me, wondering how this cartoon could be seen by children.

Later, when similar scenes are encountered, Robbie will run to tell Dad that he should eat meatballs. Don't underestimate the power of association and memory of children. If you say it nicely and lightly, he may be fine, but if you yell, he will see this picture and want to eat meatballs later.

Gao Yifeng : I used to do men's fashion magazines, and there were often pictures of girls wearing swimsuits in them. These magazines were all in my study, not hidden. Xia will watch it with me, and we will discuss the angle of the photo, the light, and whether it looks good or not. Xia doesn't think girls will catch cold, otherwise the whole magazine will catch cold (laughs).

He watched movies with me, and when he saw R-rated footage, he turned his head away and asked me if it was over. I think this is the child's instinct. We didn't tell him to avoid it, and we didn't think it was necessary to avoid it, but he would think about whether to face it or not.

Ye Yang : I told my husband that you used to be the editor-in-chief of a men's magazine. There are many magazines, and your son is not forbidden to read them. My husband's reaction was: "When will Big Brother Gao break away, can I go to his house to play?" It shows how eager he is.

➤Q4: Have you observed the child's taste in women? Does he have a girl he likes?

Gao Yifeng : I have discussed this with Xia many times, and he always finds me annoying. I admire the girl he admires.

She and Xia went to the same kindergarten and elementary school. Ever since she was a child, when she saw Xia, she would shout, "Higher than Xia!" and then rush over to want the bear to hug him, and Xia would run after her. But she is generous and does not change her character.

Once I saw a photo of them on an off-campus trip from a primary school, they were sitting together and eating a bowl of noodles together. It seems that some classmates are teasing them about being in love, but they don't care what others say at all, they are like good buddies. I said to Xia, "Very good, I appreciate the way you appreciate girls." It wasn't because of whether you were in a relationship, but because you could share a bowl of noodles with a girl who was very cheerful, and didn't care about other people's ridicule.

The girl was so easy to get along with and the two of them could chat all the time. Even if they are older and have understood the difference between men and women, they are still willing to get along with their female partners who have grown up together since childhood, and they are not in the world.

Ye Yang : A very generous child. I used to study at National Chengchi University, the college is in the back mountain, and I have to climb the mountain every day. One day, I met a group of kindergarten children who came for an outing, and they all stood in line holding hands. I didn’t know what was going on, and I said to them, “Ouch, love!” The little boy ran over and kicked me in a frenzy, kicking my feet. to the broken skin. Later, when I told others about this experience, everyone said I deserved it. (laugh)

Gao Yifeng : I'm curious what will happen to Robbie?

Ye Yang : My son has a very... great taste in women (everyone laughs). He likes long hair, and he has big curly hair and riding boots. Every time I see him, he will say, "Good ㄇ ㄧ ㄝˇ 唷." I was watching an old movie one day and Marilyn Monroe appeared on the screen, and he kept saying Good ㄇ ㄧ ㄝˇ".

Gao Yifeng : He understands very well.

Ye Yang : He likes Di Lieba's look, with bright eyes and white teeth, wearing short skirts, or with curly and messy hair, and he doesn't usually have the habit of combing his hair.

Gao Yifeng : Should there be an old soul? Love the retro style. The standard of beauty has its own cycle. Short hair may be popular this year. Like Ye Yang, it will be popular again in 10 years. The whirlwind that Marilyn Monroe brought to the world in the 1970s and 1980s was the kind of wind-blown hair that Robbie liked.

Ye Yang : The girls he likes are all the same: big curly hair and splendid looks. I once asked my husband to come into the room and talk to Robbie about the importance of a girl's heart (I will admit that this is my fault, a man's taste in women should be decided by himself, don't try to correct him), and my son replied: "Where does the heart grow?" My husband said, "It's probably here."

What kind of girl does your son like?

Gao Yifeng : Straight hair, quiet, and few words.

Ye Yang : Yes, there is a feeling of focusing on the heart.

Gao Yifeng : I'm not sure where my heart is. (the crowd laughs)

When a child is exploring his appreciation of the opposite sex, the focus is not on which type he likes, but on an interesting topic. I think Peter should have been proud when he told Robbie that "the heart is probably here" - Dad knows a lot better than you.

➤Q5: Did the two of you learn to be parents from your own parents?

Ye Yang : It was only after my mother pointed me that I realized that I should learn from her.

I'm a very casual person, but my mother is a very deep eye, Virgo, and sees a lot of details. Sometimes I feel that Robbie's homework is not good enough. After school, I ask him if he can write for today's exam. My mother will tell you not to keep asking. If he wants to talk, he will feel stupid if you keep asking.

Yu Xia once said in the book: He feels that he is a useless person. My son is at this stage right now, and he is very glass-hearted. This is because he has a comparison object after going to school. Otherwise, he is very useful when compared with my husband at home (laughs).

He would go to compare himself with his friends, saying that this is not good and that is not good, is he a useless person? I've told him a hundred times that he's awesome and handsome, but he still thinks he's an "ugly guy" and won't believe it.

Hey, Yu Xia raised his hand, I'm so nervous.

Gao Xia : I think from the point of view of children, when comparing with peers in elementary school, only the scores are easy to compare. It seems that if the peers have higher scores than you, they are more useful than you. I have also experienced a score of 49 in the national language test. I was questioned and said, "Aren't your parents writing writers?" But I was very impressed. When I said that I was a useless person, my father said: The grades are different from others. , doesn't mean you are useless. The point my dad gave me was: Numbers don't judge a person. Aunt Ye Yang might be able to explain the definition of "useful" to her children.

Ye Yang : It's great to get such a practical answer.

Gao Yifeng : I am very happy that Yu Xia can take the initiative to speak. If I really want to give a child a value judgment, I would think that if the child takes the initiative to express his opinion, no matter whether the opinion is immature, correct or not, or whether it is good or not, it is "useful" to be willing to talk to adults.

Ye Yang : I have always felt that men seem to respect their children (and also maintain a sense of distance). From my own observation, most mothers don't worry about whether the child likes her or not, because the child is a lump of mother's flesh, and my lump of flesh hates me, just like my left hand cramps, when you have a cramp, you have to stand up and dance Jump and shake, it doesn't matter if the meat is high or not during the process, I'm here to help you solve the problem. Since I became a mother, I feel that "respect" is something that I need to pay special attention to and take a little time to get used to.

Maybe because of this, the mother's desire to control will be stronger, but the father is better.

When I was reading "Chat Talk", I felt that there were some topics that I might not be able to think in this way. Because you do talk to him as a person, but for me it's a question of meat (laughs).

In my relationship with my son, the part that hit me was because I was in pain, and when he was in pain, I was in pain. He came back and said to me, "Mom, my English is bad. When answering the question, the girl next to me said, 'I can't even know this.'" I was in great pain and wanted to solve this problem. It may not be possible to sit down and talk "Why do you think this way?" Because his injury is my injury, and I want to get him pain relief as soon as possible.

The father respects the child more, treats the child as an independent individual, and lets him handle things by himself.

Gao Yifeng : When my wife was pregnant, I was actually very worried. Because I am the one who needs someone to listen to me, or speak so that I can understand.

Once I was very impressed. On our balcony, the sunset was infinitely beautiful. I put my hand on my wife's belly and felt Yu Xia's first fetal movement. At that moment, my skin got goosebumps. At that time, I had a feeling that the alien was about to appear, and I couldn't dodge it.

The father and mother are just that piece of belly, and the father is really an "outside" person. The moment Yu Xia touched me across the belly, I was very worried, and there were a hundred reasons in an instant: why did he appear, why did I become a father, whether I could be a good father, and whether something would happen in the future...

Before Xia became a talking primate, I didn't know why Xia was crying or what was uncomfortable. I didn't know what he was thinking until Xia Neng told me.

The father was an outsider for maybe two or three years, receiving a weak signal in that position. It takes two or three years before you can become your own person. But mom doesn't seem to need it.

➤Q6: What is the easiest point to get angry with a child?

Gao Yifeng : I am often sulking (laughs), and Li Chongjian also said that I am often sulking in the book.

Ye Yang : Yes, it is mentioned many times in the book that you are sulking.

Gao Yifeng : Sometimes I just call him three times and he ignores me. I don't know what he is paying attention to, and I get sullen. Sometimes it's the weird little everyday things I propose to do and he rejects. If a student treats me like this, I may not feel it, because it is my son, a little detail will make me have different fluctuations, sometimes it is very good, sometimes it is not very comfortable.

The most angry and most troublesome is when he doesn't talk to me. Sometimes when we discuss more complex or serious issues, he will say that I can't answer you right now, give me a few minutes, I will go back to the room, and come out to talk to you again. At the moment of being cut off, I have very complex, indescribable emotions, more complex than anger.

Ye Yang : Is it easy for my father to say excitedly, "What's your attitude?" Because the child's tone of voice is not right, does it seem like a father's identity is unlikely to be provoked? When a mother has a bad attitude towards her child, she usually says, "He's tired." (Everyone laughs)

My own guess is that mothers are better at interpreting what their children don't say, and they will also defend their own flesh, but they are not easy to be provoked. Except for some situations, such as telling him not to rush, this will hurt, that will stink, and to put it bluntly, he doesn't want his own mass of flesh to hurt or stink. On the contrary, the father seems to be relatively indifferent to these.

Gao Yifeng : I should be very happy if Yu Xia goes to rush.

Ye Yang : But if he breaks his hand?

Gao Yifeng : Just say don't break your hand next time. (the crowd laughs)

Don't know how Mr. Peter will face Robbie's provocation? In my impression, Yu Xia never provoked me.

Ye Yang : Your words are full of provocation, haha. Is Yu Xia 15 years old?

Gao Yifeng : Yes, he will also remind me that he is in adolescence, I have to deal with my mid-life crisis.

Ye Yang : Are you worried about his puberty?

Gao Yifeng : Blame men a little bit. It seems that our adolescence has never ended and will continue into middle age. Every time I see you write about Mr. Peter, I think: He has a very long adolescence!

Ye Yang : You can understand him! (laugh)

Gao Yifeng : My interaction with Xia is sometimes very much like an adolescent boy. For example, we would listen to music at home, do some stupid dance moves together, be funny in front of each other, but not laugh at each other. Using his own adolescence to face Xia, it seems that he will not meet his adolescence counterattack? If Dad could not be so aggressive, don't be like my dad...

Ye Yang : High above?

Gao Yifeng : Yes. I have puberty like a child, and when he was puberty, I treated him like a puberty, maybe I could solve the problem.

Ye Yang : I just lowered my head and thought about it, I really don't know my husband. He got up at one o'clock in the middle of the night last night to breastfeed, and passed me a photo that he took as a selfie through the "Jiujiu Shengong Global Headquarters". He thought it was very funny. I really can't believe that someone would pass me a selfie of Jiujiu at 1:00 in the middle of the night. I brought it up in the morning and Robbie asked what it was and Peter said it was a suspension system.

Gao Yifeng : Mr. Peter lives with the little boy in the way of a big boy, maybe he will find a way to spend adolescence together. I also look forward to enjoying the great things of this generation with Xia with the eyes of adolescence and having fun together.

➤Q7: Yu Xia, father wrote you like this, grow up with you, will you be afraid of him getting old?

Ye Yang : I think being able to become a parent-child is a kind of fate. A while ago, I bought a popular book called "Courage to Face the Ageing Parents", but my mother said, "Why do you buy this kind of book!" She thought she was not old.

When you grow up and find that your parents are getting older, you will understand some things and know that they are also working hard. To give me something that startled me, my dad gave me a yellowed parenting book "One Minute Father" after giving birth to Robbie, which said: Don't scold children for more than a minute. The world fell apart after I saw it. Because my dad would say when I was young, "I'm going to scold you now..." After a minute, he stopped scolds and talked about "Slam Dunk" instead. I always thought that it was invented by my dad. It turns out that my dad also learned how to be a dad by reading books.

I want to ask Yu Xia, you will gradually find that your father is getting old, your father is very strange, it turns out that your father learned some things from others, and your father is also confused... What do you think at this time?

Gao Xia : He took me all the way to Da, so he must have stumbled. I accept that he will get old physically, but when we sit down and talk, I still think of him as a young man, just a more experienced young man. I don't particularly see my dad who I sat down with as an old man, or a particularly powerful person, someone who was a teenager like me, but more experienced than I was.

Gao Yifeng : Thank you Yu Xia. I will climb more mountains, exercise more, and stay young. (laugh)

My father is gone, but I can't seem to let go of being a son. Part of the reason is that I am still comparing, and Yu Xia is also a son. What is the difference between these two sons? I want to save a little more time when I have a common identity with Yu Xia.

I still often reflect on what I did when I was a son, including fighting my father and running away from home. I am also observing, what is the state of Yu Xia when interacting with me, and I hope to continue to maintain the possibility of dialogue with him. ●( The original text was first published on the OPENBOOK official website on 2022-08-19)

Chat <br class="smart"> Author: Gao Yifeng Publishing: New Classic Culture

About the Author Gao Yifeng
A father who writes novels.
Published novels: "2069", "Bubble War", "Magic Cabin"; collections of short stories: "Crow Burning", "Riding in the Beautiful Light", "Introduction to Scars", "Flesh Moth", etc.; and long lyrical essays : Trance, Still but Emergence: The Slow Moment of the Whiskey Drinker. The novel has been translated into English and French.