Random Notes | May and June 2024

In early May, I officially resigned and became an unemployed vagrant. I want to take this May to slow down, give myself some time to take care of my soul, and think about the future direction.

It’s been almost two years since I graduated, and I don’t know what I’m suitable for or what I like. When I open the recruitment website, I have lost the ability to enter keyword searches immediately without any doubts. I keep asking myself: What do you really like? What exactly is right for you? What is the most comfortable and happy way for you to output? That’s the answer I’m going to have to answer in May, or at least I need to decide where I want to take my next step.

In terms of relationships, my boyfriend and I have also entered our running-in period - the number of conflicts in the past month has increased more and more, which made me a little at a loss as I thought we didn't need to run-in. I'm no longer sure whether we can solve this stage of the task together and move on. At the same time, I thought, if I am always giving up and always running towards a new beginning, will I never have a long-term relationship or even a family? Through painful but positive communication, we tried to pave our own path together.

15/5/2024

After working out in Tsim Sha Tsui, I suddenly wanted to do something different from usual. So instead of going directly to the subway station, I crossed the road and walked into Kowloon Park where I used to run. The weather was so good it was unreal. The sun shines through the gaps in the leaves, and the light and shadow shatter on the red bricks and are swayed by the wind. I was sitting on the bench, the sun was warm and the wind was blowing gently with a hint of coolness. Not every day good things happen, so remember those beautiful moments in life. Then I took out my phone and took some photos and videos to record them. I wrote this text on the memo on my mobile phone, "Parks, beaches, mountains and woods are all very suitable places for me to cleanse negative energy. I really feel that the energy here is clean and flowing. "

Later, I went around to the Breakthrough Book Gallery. I was not in a hurry to enter the bookstore for the first time in a long time. I was allowed to pick up a book that interested me and sit down to read. I read some books about the brain, memory and Hong Kong culture, and finally bought a sojourn diary back home.

During this period, I shared everything I saw with my boyfriend at work, thinking, "It would be better if he was around." There are many moments like this - I really want to share the beauty of the moment with the person I like, hoping that the other person is by my side, and then sigh with emotion: Even if you have family, friends and lovers, you spend most of your life walking alone. I don’t know if it is related to my childhood experience, but I have suffered from separation anxiety since I was very young, and it has continued until I grew up. The only difference is that now I have learned to fight against that force. When I fell into unspeakable loneliness and pain, I would force myself to do things, whether it was housework, exercise, reading, watching movies, or writing. I kept practicing to pull myself out of the quagmire and tell myself "That's ok. I don't have it." "Abandoned, the other person just has his own things to be busy with temporarily" or "I am an independent and powerful person, and I have enough power to decide my own life."

Peacefully coexisting with loneliness is a lifelong issue.

Before trying or accomplishing something, don't criticize yourself. Criticism will make us lose many possibilities. This sentence suddenly popped up when I wanted to try writing articles and drawing but started to criticize myself for not doing well. Trying, not being afraid of making mistakes, experiencing and feeling will make our lives full of more possibilities, and it will be easier for us to find our passion.

Practice being brave, practice sincerely affirming and praising yourself, and practice sincerely praising and blessing others.

I went back to my hometown in May, stayed at home for three to five days, and met some relatives and friends. I found that I have changed a lot in the process of getting along with everyone, and I have become more mature in dealing with people.

Dad asked me what I felt when I went home. I thought for a while and replied: "I don't have any big insights, but I just took this opportunity to take a rest. If I have to express my feelings, I found that I have worked hard to go far and become stronger."

After leaving social networks for a while, I have become accustomed to not snooping and not being curious about other people's lives, and I have found that even if I don't look at my friends' limited-time updates, it has no impact. So after I came back, I consciously stopped developing the habit of browsing social media and spent less time snooping and envying other people's lives. Instead, I focused more time and energy on my own life.

When I grow up, I am really not as brave as before. Due to financial pressure, finding a job is like grasping at straws. I don't have the idealism before, as long as I can afford the rent and food.

In modern society, we have been bound by the consumption concept created by various capitals. Is what we consume really what we need? As a marketer, while I feel that the world is becoming more and more artificially beautiful, I lament that in order to survive, I have gradually become a tool of capital or even capital itself. I am bound to consumption by various artificial concepts, forgetting that what I really need is What.

In the afternoon, I shared the blog I heard with Jade, "Our hearts are not inherently so slow. It is modern society that blocks our connection with all things in nature." In addition to the Internet and mobile phones, we also lament that work in modern society is making people more and more dull - because we are not allowed to have too many feelings and thoughts about "ourselves". She asked, "The development of technology has made our lives more convenient, but has it really improved people's happiness?" I said, "More often than not, we, like technology, maintain the operation of modern society. Screws are so busy that they don’t even have a sense of self.” Then she thought and said, “Maybe it’s happiness for the upper class people, hahaha,” she said, “We are just tool people.”

We often bargain with capitalism. To play the game of this business world, we must follow the rules of this game - we are bribed and become tools, and then we bribe others.

Talking to friends about this era, most people want to slash, otherwise it will be difficult to develop stably in the long term.

Talking to him again about the difficulties of this era. I feel that the current world is in a protracted process of chaos and reorganization. Lifestyles, business cooperation, capital circulation and other aspects are undergoing changes and are full of all kinds of instability. I think we will eventually figure it out. A relatively stable road.

People of every era have their own difficulties.

Recently, I have been shutting myself at home to look for a job. I only go out for interviews and grocery shopping. During this period, I have also declined invitations from friends. I just want to concentrate on this one thing. Before I found a job, I had no mood or desire to have fun at all.

Yesterday, I watched the short TV series "My Altay" adapted from Li Juan's novel of the same name. It inspired the desire to write and express that is often suppressed by my "criticism", and I plan to try to write whatever content I write and whatever content I write. Let the words flow out naturally like thoughts and emotions.

Looking for a job is a very tough thing to do mentally, especially with the pressure of a high monthly rent of 8,000 Hong Kong dollars, I regret whether I should have started looking for a job earlier. On the other hand, the aspect of training your mentality is: in every attempt at delivery and interview, you must be fully prepared to deal with it. Unknowingly, you will accumulate negative energy - questioning your own on-the-spot performance, doubting your own abilities. ability. At this time, you will repeatedly think of what people often say, "Persistence is victory." Whether you have the perseverance and courage to persist on a road where there is no hope has already screened out some people.

How many people in the world can actually do the work they love? Or should we say that "whether you like your job" depends on your personal mentality, not on the nature of the job?

During the interview on Friday, I received an offer on the spot, but I have been hesitant about whether to accept it, because this is not a career that I really like, it is just a job that I am trying to submit to support myself.

I discussed this job with my family, good friends, and boyfriend, and asked them to help me analyze it. Almost everyone tended to suggest that I accept the offer, and encouraged me, as if I was the only one who was shrinking and hesitating. . In the afternoon, I listened to Ruowen Huang's advice on personal growth and job selection - it was interesting to hear an argument: every obstacle you overcome will bring more choices for the future; find something at work that makes you "can't wait" goals; focus on the life you want, not the problems. In addition, I also deeply feel that most of the time in life, we can only walk alone, and only we can make many decisions - because only we know what we really want, and in the end we can only make it ourselves. Take responsibility for yourself. But I am still very grateful to have these precious people around me who express their care, support and encouragement with words and actions. Without them, my life would have felt lonely and cold.

Then I started thinking, I suspected why I resisted this offer? It should be because of past failures and painful experiences that made me afraid to face my own shortcomings and inner fears. The frustration and the fear of the future that it brought caused me to limit myself to my comfort zone. As a result, I, who wanted to live in a vast world, increasingly didn’t know where the future was and in which direction I should go. Is this the life I want? Is life just about trying to avoid pain? I don't think so.

It has been two years since I graduated. In the past two years, I have almost lost the motivation and focus I had when I was in school. Occasionally looking at the learning vlogs I often watched in the past still reminds me of wanting to focus on studying. After working, you will find that there is very little time left for "you", and sometimes the fatigue caused by work will create inertia, causing you to tend to do some mindless leisure things during work and holidays. It is used to relax the body and mind; at the same time, there are fewer and fewer concentration resources that can be used for learning. I feel like a work machine, obliterating my personal thoughts and dreams, and am used to living in my comfort zone. I decided to make a change this year. No matter how busy or tiring I am at work, I should allocate time to relax and learn input and output. I enjoy those moments of total concentration (mindfulness). As for what to study, I’m still thinking about it.

So back to the topic of whether to choose this job. I spent two days drawing an analysis chart to analyze whether I should choose to do this job from the perspective of good and bad, and the characteristics of myself and the company. My friend asked me how I thought about it, so I sent her my analysis chart. She said, "I feel like you will also think that this job can give you a chance to try out and discuss business with others." I said, "Because my previous experience as a CS has given me some knowledge about work that requires me to face people. I am overly defensive, but I still want to run my own business in the future, so in the long run, I should break out of my comfort zone. Thinking about it on the other hand, if I never break out of my comfort zone, I will always have fear and fear because of past unhappy experiences. If my life is limited, I will feel that this life is a pity. If I clearly know what my goal is, but it takes ten years to muster the courage to break through my comfort zone, I will feel that these ten years of hesitation, waiting and accumulation of energy. It’s a waste of time for me, so I might as well take the first step bravely and start immediately.” She asked me what my concern was, and I said I was worried that my Cantonese communication would not be adequate and I would give people a bad impression. , and people and things in trouble. But we finally agreed that we can make progress through learning, and she also affirmed me with "I think you are fine! Your learning ability is so good." I am really grateful to have the support of a good friend. In addition, in terms of mentality, I believe that the world is diverse, and it is precisely because of different people and ideas that the world is diverse and wonderful. I don’t want to use my personal opinions to refute and criticize others, but I hope that I When encountering different opinions or being "attacked" by others, you must learn to understand and respect others, build your own psychological defense line so as not to get hurt, and then learn how to communicate and negotiate, and how to fight business wars.

As I write this, I suddenly realize that it’s July.

Come on in July too!