About Identity | Can or should I identify myself as ______?

This is definitely a personal reflection and probably doesn't have any "useful" content. I'm not sure if you will read it, but please remember that you have the right to decide to stop reading at any time, or even quit following. Extremely long text, remind you.

Before I am any kind of identity, I am a person first. But can I or should I identify myself as a "Content Creator (Content Creator), photographer, model, feminist"?

If I needed to introduce myself at this time, I would probably say:

 My name is Ah Fei, and I am 25 years old. I am currently working as a private film model, a filmmaker, and a prostitute. I also opened a space for talking about sex with my friends, called Common6.

If it is a more detailed self-introduction, it involves a lot of reflection on my identity.

 I started working as a private photo model at the age of 18, and I took almost all nude photos; until I was 20 years old, I learned that the photos of my previous private photos were leaked, and I began to think about how I should view these private photo experiences. At the same time, I picked up a camera at the age of 20 Start shooting people.

Influenced by studying social work in Taiwan, I came into contact with more perspectives on feminism and gender issues. Since I was 21 years old, I have continued to systematically use photos and words on social media to share my Sexual violence encountered in private filming and power issues in photography. At the age of 22, he completed his graduation thesis. Taking Taiwanese female models as the main research object, he explored the self-identity and social perception of women's body autonomy.

At the age of 23, he set up MindFoodStudio (MFS), a sexy photo platform for women, with his friend D. At the age of 24, he opened OnlyFans to share records of his daily life and sexual pleasure. At the age of 25, he founded Common6, a space for talking about sex with his friends, and took pictures of himself on Twitter. The genitals to illustrate the structure of the genitals.

The highest number of followers of the IG account is 17K, and the current number of followers of Twitter is 44K.

In my self-introduction, it is not difficult to summarize the identity I currently have/is crowned - "Content Creator (Content Creator), photographer, private model, feminist", but, I can use Do these identities call themselves?

In the follow-up, I will sort out these identities and the confusion in my mind one by one. I have confusion in almost every identity (laughs).

Among these identities, the most useless suspense should be "private model". After all, I have been photographed for a fee, and I am happy to enjoy the work as a private model; I have nothing to reflect on this identity. Rather, the incidental situations and functions derived from this identity have become my confusion about "how to run IG / Am I a Content Creator?"

The confusion about the identity of "Content Creator" mainly appears in the operation of Instagram (IG) and Onlyfans (OF). I am not even sure whether I am operating these two platforms. The word "management" means "planned" to me. To say that I have no management for IG/OF, not all, but it is true that there is no plan, so I am very confused, can I or should I Do you pretend to be like this? Should I be working on this? How to work hard will be more suitable?

Let's first think about the identity of the OnlyFans Content Creator.

At first, OF was opened because when I was running Patreon at MFS, I also used part of the space to write long articles and put my selfies or masturbation images; but because MFS is jointly operated by me and my friend D, occasionally friend D will comment on me The content, or some messages are only for me, which will cause friend D's discomfort.

I know that I like to get sexual pleasure by showing myself. At the same time, I just want to be seen by people who appreciate me. I don't like being judged by my friends.

After thinking about it, I decided to open an online space of my own, and hope that only people who like me can see it. Therefore, setting up a high threshold is to make buyers think that they really like it enough—— Do you spend a lot of money to watch Ah Fei's daily life or masturbate?

 Therefore, the establishment of OF was willful, and there was no plan to "sell appearances". I am not sure if I can use the word "sell appearances" to describe what I do. About a year after I opened OF, I even thought about it, malicious exiles said I was a "tam chicken", do I deserve this profession to call myself? (so Tamagotchi is not an offensive word for me LOL)

Therefore, I began to observe some Twt owners in Hong Kong who were selling pornographic works (some of them will be called Content Creator), and found that even if they did not show their faces, they would continue to produce pornographic short videos with different themes, and they were very active. Almost every Stable output of at least one video every week or every month; I really don't count as a standard for fixed output videos.

A while ago, I thought about whether I should refer to other models and produce different works for purchase every month, or at least as one of the contents of OF; however, I don’t like this method very much. Are you running OnlyFans / Content? Whether I operate or not depends on whether I want to promote my OF on other platforms. If I see OF as necessary or appropriate for content creation, why don't I promote it? The OF is not regarded as a part of the operation, but it seems to be operating. Should the identity of this part be affirmed?

I don't have an answer, and I'm not sure I need it.

Once I regard OF as a place to operate, it is easy for me to lose the desire to share; however, at the same time, I feel that it is unfair to subscribers, because this is immeasurable content-subscribers cannot expect to subscribe to a What content can be obtained every month—even though I seem to have made the "rules of the game" clear, that is, it will be updated from time to time, but if you are a person who is serious about OF content, you should quantify the content so that subscribers can grasp more information?

 I want to maintain my self-willedness, and at the same time, the longer I stay in the market, the more I feel that my approach seems a bit "wrong". How to balance the demands of the market and my own self-willedness is a big question.

Then there is the question of who the Instagram Content Creator is.

Many people know me because of the articles or time limit I put on IG, about my sexual violence in private photos, power differences in photography, daily perception of sexual violence/gender, how I view image leaks, my For some event-induced gender/gender thinking, these are all Content, right?

 However, IG’s Content Creator involves another identity—the "advocate". I occasionally feel both grateful and uncomfortable when others think of me—what I am grateful for is that when others encounter sexual violence, I remember that there is at least one person who can support them. They refer resources, and at the same time feel uncomfortable why there are people in this world who become famous because of sexual violence like me.

If the world never hurts, why would anyone need to be an advocate in this area?

As mentioned earlier, I have no suspense about the identity of "Private Model", but this identity is extended - about equipment, about the experience in the private film, about how I look at the private film - I still have a lot to say . But, should I still use this as the content of IG? No matter how much content you write, there will still be a huge number of damage events. Is it useful to write it down?

"The world is bad, but you can choose to be kind" - I understand, but at the same time I am confused why there are still countless people who keep hurting others. Every time I hear about stories of people using power in photography to lure models into non-consensual sexual encounters, it tires me out. We all need to learn how to equip ourselves to face everything, but why can't perpetrators learn to control their fantasies and behaviors? These exhaustions even made me confused about the identity of the photographer, let me talk about it later.

Going back to the part of IG Content Creator, is it because the influence is not enough, so the reach rate is not high enough to reach the people who need this information? From the perspective of planning IG content, indeed if I keep posting, maybe I can increase the reach. As the account was deleted, my activity level obviously changed, and my management efforts were obviously not high; even though I knew that the old articles had their effects, I knew that if I just reposted them, the efforts would definitely not be so high. In fact, I already have the answer to this part, which is to find a place to store old articles (such as matters), and then actively contribute to new articles, and then guide others to read old articles to obtain relevant information.

If I use Content Creator as the method, I have to think again and again in terms of content and form, what can I do, what do I want to do?

Should I focus on gender issues? Do you want to continue talking about sexual violence in private videos or different forms of sexual violence? Do you introduce yourself by describing your own experience, or try to tell the story of someone else's? Still want to talk about body structure, how to explore the body? Do you want to continue sharing in the form of pictures and texts? Want to try making a video? Want to use nudity as a tool to make sex education videos? Want to write a long post on Matters?

 I don't have a verdict. I am not sure whether I will continue to advocate, but at the same time, I know that there is always something worth advocating, so I will probably still do it, but the form needs to be sorted out.

The next thing is to think about the identity of the photographer, and I want to let go of this identity.

As I said earlier, these exhaustions really confuse me as a photographer. I have explained to my friend D from MindFoodStudio earlier that I will quit MFS and stop taking pictures.

The clearer statement of "no longer photographing people" is that in addition to continuing to complete the promised shooting plan, I will no longer be a "photographer of people" and will no longer operate an account for the purpose of photographing others. In the future, the subjects of photography will only be myself, my partner, family members, and friends. Unless friends propose, I will not take the initiative to invite to shoot.

 In fact, the thought of no longer taking pictures of people appeared as early as when I was writing a thesis at the age of 22. When I was doing literature collection, I saw Susan Sontag's "On Photography", which described "the camera is a penis", "photography is the most gentle predatory behavior", "photography is a tool of power"; I still remember that I was writing a thesis There were countless times when I was loathing myself as a cameraman, and I didn't like this way of using power.

I had many discussions with my friends back then—does it really make sense for me to photograph people? ——And my friend said that he can see his real self in front of my camera and enjoy the process of being photographed. His response comforted me. I also regard photography as a double-edged sword. It all depends on how the user uses it. And I keep photography as a way, so that I or others have a way to know each other.

I have always been clear that I don't like photography, I just like to meet someone through the tool of photography. I once said that among the subjects of photography, the only thing I am interested in is documenting eroticism.

But I also decided to put down photography because of the theme of eroticism.

 Recording the sex of two people, I am a bystander, find the right angle to record the process of happening, that's all.

However, when recording a person’s sex, I am a participant, because I inevitably have to communicate or wrestle with the subject, and even negotiate how to present the picture in order to create greater tension, whether it is near or far, or has physical contact, If one is not careful, either party does not think consciously, or is taken away by one party to a certain extent, it is easy to fall into the dilemma of power differences.

The reason MindFoodStudio was founded was to respond to outflow and sexual autonomy. Rather than being photographed ugly and being outflowed, it is better to take the initiative to take good-looking photos for sale; I also want to record women's autonomous desires, whether it is masturbation or gestures. It is decided jointly by the subject and the photographer.

However, no matter how consciously I share power with the subject, I still cannot deny that as the photographer, I am controlling how the picture is presented and how the model manipulates the body. I just know what the market wants to see. If it does not meet market expectations, Just filming real masturbation without too much action in a straightforward manner, it does not meet the audience's expectations. The struggle between showcasing lust and the market was tiring for me.

Even if I consciously deal with the power of the cameraman, I can't ensure that the partners or the subjects are always aware of these power differences, and I will worry about the photography process; D discussed "I'll give up", and finally decided to let go of this plan. MindFoodStudio will still be handed over to friend D to operate as usual, but I quit.

 The decision to let go of the identity of the photographer also comes from a strong aversion to "photographic power". There are too many people who continue to use photography to practice sexual violence, not just the recent high-profile incidents, but there have been many unsung and hidden harms all the time.

A friend asked me, don't you want to continue to be a photographer and tell others what a photographer should look like?

After being photographed by me, many people walked into the circle of being photographed, and then encountered different forms of sexual violence; every time I think of it, I sincerely hate my identity as a "photographer". Why do so many people deliberately use photography to hurt people?

When photography is linked to lust, if you lack awareness, you are letting your desires go.

Tired, really tired. In the future, as a model, I can still speak about power issues in photography, especially sex and photography. I really hate those who package their sexual desires on top of "art". Face your own sexual desires honestly, and then hold on to your basic respect for being a human being and the professional ethics of a photographer, can't you?

I'm not going to shoot people anymore, I'm not a creator in the first place. At most, I like to make records, to record the person in front of me. In recent years, the photography I have been asked to take is more about creation.

Finally, I think about the identity of a "feminist". It is really tiring to write this (laughs)!

The identity of "feminist" is currently not an identity that I actively claim to have, but more of "being considered a feminist". I am not rejecting this identity, but I always feel that I am not qualified to be a "feminist".

 I am indeed very influenced by feminist views, especially liberal feminism, radical feminism, sexual liberation feminism, etc. However, I really can’t classify which genres my thoughts are more inclined to. I can only say that I I like it very much and feel the impact of feminism on my thoughts, but am I already a feminist like this?

Some time ago, I posted a video on Twitter called "Practice Sex Education—Deconstruction of the Vagina", which was forwarded by some "salty nets" and subscripted as "Hong Kong Feminist Artist". I was confused and laughed out loud. It's not disgusting, it's just a bit against harmony (laughs)

To be a feminist, it seems like there are a lot of expectations to live up to, and at the same time I wonder, do I need this identity to be able to do what I'm already doing? If an identity will bring barriers to communication, should I use this identity to pretend to be myself?

I don't object to others calling me "feminist" or "feminist", but if this term is derogatory or has certain prejudices, then I will not force a dialogue. If you have the opportunity to get to know me first, then talk to me.

 Will I call myself a "feminist" one day? This part is still in the process of exploration, but whether I have this identity or not, I will still continue to do things that are in line with my values. Therefore, about this identity That's all for now.

I sorted out my thoughts by accident, and it coincided with the end of 2022, so I regarded it as this year's sorting haha. In 2023, I hope that I can reorganize myself after the closure of Common6, think about a continuous initiative or the direction of content creation, and write until I am tired. Anyway, there is still a long way to go, so let’s explore slowly❤️‍🔥