"Don't want to be empathetic anymore": 10 talents and pains of empaths

Is empathy a huge plus?

When I asked the question, my friend shook his head firmly.

She recently found a word to describe herself as an "emotional sponge". Specifically, she can understand and absorb all kinds of human joys and sorrows. She is more sad than an unemployed colleague, more angry than a friend who has broken up, and more than a crowd. social phobias in .

She can sensitively perceive the emotions of others, and even intuitively guess the reasons behind it.

God.

Yes, it is God. At first I thought she belonged to the "highly sensitive group" (which we introduced earlier), but her sensitivity to people and emotions is obviously more extreme and profound.

Until I saw in a book that this is actually another personality trait called Empath, also known as "Envoy".

For example, will you have the following behaviors:

1) Highly sensitive. Through tone of voice and body movements, you can detect the "emotion" or "information" that the other party has not spoken.

2) Unconsciously absorb other people's emotions. You can be exhausted by the negative emotions of others, but you can also feel buoyant and empowered in a loving environment.

3) Often rated as "very introverted". Prefers one-on-one contact or small groups, and is confined to social settings even when extroverted.

4) Highly intuitive. You like to experience the world intuitively, feel first and then think, which is probably the opposite of how most people in our overly rational society behave.

5) Requires alone time. Due to your natural sensitivity, you are prone to emotional overload, so you need regular alone time to recharge.

6) Can be overwhelmed in an intimate relationship. Deep down, you fear being "engulfed," and you're often caught up in a nerve-wracking, uncomfortable relationship where you want company that, paradoxically, makes you feel insecure.

7) You seem to have a "healing" power. You always automatically become the most "considering" one in the circle, and it is easy to gain the trust of others, but they are usually the "seekers", and this functional relationship can sometimes make you feel lonely. (Also makes you vulnerable to "emotional vampires")

8) You want to ease the pain of those around you. It is normal for you to give care and help, even if you feel overwhelmed sometimes.

9) It is difficult to establish personal boundaries. There is little defensiveness between others and oneself.

10) Love nature. You can be nourished and restored with energy in wildlife, the ocean, or other natural environments.

"Envoys" are almost always trusted because they make people feel safe, and because of this, "empathy" seems to be the pressure they have to carry.

What is it like to be an "angel"?

The word "Empath" first appeared in science fiction to describe a person with supernatural ability to understand the mental and emotional state of other people, a bit of a mind reader.

Deanna Troi in "Star Trek: The Next Generation" is a typical role, she acts as a spaceship consultant, using her ability to sense the emotions of others and communicate with them through non-verbal means. Such descriptions may seem fantastic, but they may also inadvertently misrepresent the actual experience of the Empath in reality.

Psychiatrist Judith Orloff first introduced the concept of an empath (she is an empath herself) into the description of the personality, and she believes that empaths are highly emotionally sensitive people who, in their daily lives, "share Love" happens anytime, anywhere.

What kind of experience is that?

"Empathy" itself is an ability, an ability to understand other people's thoughts, experience other people's feelings, and be able to put oneself in another person's position and think about problems (Bellet, 1991).

However, when this ability cannot be controlled by oneself, or exceeds the range of physical and mental tolerance, we will encounter a kind of "backlash":

1) Empaths are more prone to chronic fatigue:

Just as an actor can't "play" in a movie role, an empath can be engrossed in the emotions of others. Often, empaths don’t just “take care” of other people’s emotions, they “absorb” as if everything the other person is going through happened to them.

Based on her clinical observations, Dr. Judith Orloff found that when empaths are overwhelmed by the emotions of others, they may experience psychological and physical symptoms such as panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and chronic fatigue.

A study published in Health Psychology also found that the more empathic parents were, the more likely they were to experience chronic inflammation. It can be seen that empathy is not always a "gift".

2) Empaths are more likely to feel lonely in relationships:

Of course, in general understanding, empathy is the bond between people, but for empaths, excessive empathy often destroys their relationships.

Studies have found that empaths are highly sensitive to social stimuli, but cannot process them well. As a result, they often simply "shut down" their feelings or maintain negative expectations about human interaction.

Danish family therapist Jesper Juu even refers to empathy and aggression as "existential twins." An empath may more quickly and accurately predict whether the other person has hidden apathy, rejection, and threats that make them appear "too easy to anger" in the eyes of others.

3) Empaths are more likely to fall into "functional interactions":

Loneliness does not mean that empaths do not have deep interpersonal relationships. Quite the opposite.

Because of their empathy, empaths often act as "listeners," "helpers," and "healers" in a relationship, and they are happy to use such an intuitive, deeply revealing interact.

If you have friends who are brokenhearted, ask them to sort out and analyze your relationship status. If you have friends who are confused, ask them to talk about life and ideals. But everything is limited to this. The next time you contact each other, it may be that the other party has "again" some emotional problems or life troubles.

In short, the personality traits of empaths make them like a "ferryman", and most of the people around them are people who want to take a boat instead of walking with them.

What makes us empaths?

You might wonder, is there really a personality trait in this world that can "empathize" with others?

Academia was skeptical at first, after all, most research on empaths relied on "self-reports."

But according to a study published in Nature Neuroscience, it objectively measures empathy by studying mirror-tactile synesthesia.

The results show that about 1 to 2 percent of people are true empaths, while clinical psychologist Helena Rempala believes that number could be higher, about 10 to 15 percent.

What makes us empaths?

1) May be related to overactive mirror neurons in the brain.

Research on mirror neurons has found that mirror neurons can read and understand each other's emotions by filtering out our own emotions (Iacobani, 2008).

Empathizers, on the other hand, are thought to have highly responsive mirror neurons and thus develop a deep connection to the emotional feelings of others.

A 2018 study by Abigail Marsh went a step further by revealing brain differences between empaths and non-empaths, with empaths being more sensitive to fearful faces because their amygdala was more responsive to those faces. .

2) Empathy may also be an option.

"Like most personality traits, empathy is difficult to distinguish between genetic and environmental influences," says psychologist Jeff Gardere. "Being an empath is not just a drive, it's a choice."

Empathy is a learned behavior, and the development of empathy can be observed as early as early childhood. And in a social climate where "empathy" is highly praised, we may be proud of our ability to "read" and help others.

To put it bluntly, we're actually trying to learn how to read.

At the same time, studies have also shown that if our parents lack empathy, we are more likely to become empaths, "this may be because we were trained from childhood to put the needs of others before our own."

How do empaths take care of themselves?

Dr. Judith Orloff, who first proposed the empath, wrote in her book "The Empath's Survival Guide":

"Part of my evolution as a doctor has been to learn to embrace these abilities as valuable, nurturing and supportive. I embrace my sensitivities rather than avoid them."

Like highly sensitive people, empaths are not a disease or defect, they are just a stable and enduring personality trait that we may not be able to change, but there are ways to get along with them.

Based on her research and clinical experience, Dr. Judith Orloff shares how to be a balanced, empowered, and happy empath.

1) Consciously establish personal boundaries

If you are an empath, you must be aware that the greatest discomfort in interpersonal communication comes from the moment when boundaries are violated:

You feel anxious because your boundaries are violated, and at the same time you feel an inexplicable pleasure because your mission to help the other person is fulfilled.

As a result, this conflicting emotional experience has made it difficult for you to establish clear personal boundaries.

But it's important. “Giving without boundaries can make us lose control over our internal resources and dedicate our best to the more important people in our lives.”

You need to make some brave attempts:

Define your limits. Review your past experiences of feeling uncomfortable, angry, or resentful toward someone, create a "boundary chart" for them, and write down the boundaries of what makes you feel comfortable and safe, as detailed as possible.

The only way to really let someone know that you've crossed the line is to tell them directly. If you're not used to doing this, start with small things like the waiter getting your order wrong and asking her to reconfirm.

Or don't promise anything "for now." Give yourself some time to review your "boundary chart" or consider your "usable level", do you have the time and energy right now? Do you have to take responsibility for the other person's emotions? Will you be happy with it? After answering these questions, respond.

If these all fail, delete them. If you've made it clear that you're "uncomfortable" and still don't get the respect you deserve, remember that you can leave and no one has the right to make you uncomfortable, or to take advantage of your value without permission .

2) You need to learn how to take care of yourself more than to take care of others

Some studies have shown that empathy is positively correlated with emotions such as anxiety and depression (Malgorzata, 2018), and you even blame yourself for the pain of others (Lynn, 2011). Rather than taking care of others, empaths need to learn how to take care of themselves:

Give yourself plenty of time to rest. Don't force yourself to cycle between different things.

Make conscious choices about who you spend time with. "Listen to your body, see who's giving you energy and who's consuming your energy, and be aware of the signals your body sends instead of ignoring them."

When treating yourself, think about how you treat others. Try to understand your emotions and imagine how you would talk to them, comfort them and give them hugs if you were your friend.

Find a place to relax. For empaths, being close to nature is the way to activate the "psychological recovery mechanism." (Marselle, 2020)

Practice meditation.

3) Most importantly, allow yourself to "take a step back"

The reason why empaths are called "envoys" is that they always place the mission of God before the happiness of the individual. To fix this, they need to allow themselves to "take a step back."

Taking a step back means you can block friends who ask for help, you can say "no" to them, and you can escape into your comfort zone before feeling exhausted.

Even in the eyes of other people, you have a little "rescue".

In her book, Dr. Judith Orloff advises empaths to "reclusive, away from the world, at least once a year. Plan your time to nature or other places of peace so you can relax and recalibrate." your system".

In our sociocultural environment, it always seems shameful to step back and escape.

"I have to be empathetic

i have to help

I have to be decent and not tired"

These are the quagmire that empaths are trapped in, and a study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology finds that the attitudes we take in dealing with the pain of others often affect our own health and well-being .

I saw an empath's diary on a foreign website, she wrote:

"When my empathy is triggered, those unprocessed emotions will leak out, sometimes bursting like fireworks; and when the emotions go away, I'm like an empty shell that has been evacuated, my own The sense of worth disintegrates in an instant.”

I hope everyone can understand that empathy is a value.

But you, not only this one value.