Do you have a lot of wishes in your heart, but you don’t want to do anything in action?

I always wanted to be a better person, a better communicator, a better practitioner, a better researcher, a better thinker, a better music lover, a better traveler...however I haven't been able to consistently take the time to do those things, but instead just keep taking the time to eat and read novels. why?

Oftentimes, you're thinking about how to change your actions, build new habits, and then lose battles over and over again.

Now let's re-examine: how did you come to these wishes? Are they really wishful thinking, or are they fake?

A lot about work (research, thinking), it's about insecurity: I don't think my current level of ability is enough to make money consistently; it's also about greed: I want to make more money, be famous (so it can be easier earn more money and be appreciated and felt needed). But deep down in my heart, I have a little need for money and fame, but I allow myself to be unsuccessful (“I can live no matter what, the poor have a way of living for the poor”), what’s more, I know in my deepest heart that greed and insecurity are temporary Feelings that don't consistently drive me in terms of values.

Where does this "better" desire come from, even among other, more "wholesome" aspirations? Is it a lot of insecurities (if I'm not good, no one will come to me, no one will like me all the time), or some kind of longing learned from others (I want to be famous / I want to be famous / I want to be famous Have a unique contribution/I want to be a person who can start my own business)? Are there any wishes that really matter to me?

Possibly from a long-standing narrative: I'm a uniquely chosen one, and I can't easily bury my potential. And this is just a concept learned from others.

What really has a greater relationship with myself may be "making myself comfortable": so I am willing to spend energy to observe, how to sit on my waist can be easier, how to make breathing easier...

Or "how to make me freer", which often means needing something new and breaking old shackles. But the shackles are often invisible. I don't have a way to do this consistently. I can only touch them occasionally, or when I encounter obstacles, I decide to deal with them: for example, I find that I can't easily and naturally Communicating with people is often out of tune, so what new ways are there to communicate? For example, if I find that I am very afraid of this, is there any way to completely solve this fear? Another example is that I wrote these at this time, because I feel that this may be a new way of thinking to break through the shackles.

Looking at it this way, those narratives of dissatisfaction with themselves often feel very distant and conceptual (“to get better, to learn more, to become famous”); what is really closer to oneself is the feeling of every moment , wanting to feel better - the motivation to act this way is clearer and more direct, and I feel far less of the "I should but I don't want to" pull.

Of course I doubt myself because of this, do I just want to be comfortable all the time? Is this a limitation of the ego - I'll keep going for comfort and get nowhere?

——Such a skeptical assumption comes from the fact that "successful things" must come from external drives, otherwise people's natural tendency is laziness and inaction, and this assumption is obviously problematic.

From Feldenkrais' perspective: if you want to be lazy, you are probably tired; reducing the pressure on yourself and unnecessary daily tension will give me more energy, less tiredness, and more motivation to learn and work. Exploring - that's human instinct too.

If you are always in a state of feeling-driven, will you be unable to cope with external pressure? Can't plan ahead? - Whatever you are doing, as long as you are making yourself more comfortable and freer, it is beneficial. Of course, you can stretch your perception of the outside world as much as possible, actually feel the "rain" (rather than listening to what others say), and then see how you want to react.

What if the outside world has a task that must be done? What else can you do, negotiate and negotiate.

So I start today, what do I really need to change?

First off, a lot of unnecessary self-criticism: even if I'm not doing this or that, it's just concepts, whether I'm motivated, competitive, moving forward, realizing my full potential, living creatively A life...no need to keep whipping yourself with these nihilistic rulers.

Second, it may be to be more aware of your feelings and to care about them. For example, daily physical discomfort, or seeing how uncomfortable others are, these can be observed and dealt with more often, and have long-term positive effects on all aspects.

Always feel that you don't have enough energy to study, and you are always reading idle articles? Face the feeling of needing to rest and entertain, and the aimlessness behind it or some kind of low frustration. Alas, it’s a commonplace, but it’s still hard to detect a habit and stop it.

If I want to learn the fundamental motivation, I still want freedom, I want to see more options clearly, and then I have the ability to make choices. So the first thing is to give yourself time to do this. If you feel that some unfreedom is a clear feeling at the moment, then it makes sense to spend time in it.

So, what things do you think you are not free if you don’t study?

The most direct is related to blockchain work: I want to know more so that I can figure out how much I should invest in this field (even I should talk to people outside the field more about where the skills I learned here can be used; Especially the more fanatical believers, what is the reason for their enthusiasm). Now there is a discomfort: I feel that doing system modeling (token engineering) seems to be more of an explanation to investors and users. What problems can be solved/prevented seems to be more difficult to tell? Then deal with it and learn it. There is also the idea of wanting to start some research in this field. The implicit direct motivation here is actually hoping to publish a paper, so as to find a job, and even imagine that I can use this research to apply for a green card. But I don't actually have such a strong sense of crisis. I feel that this must be done now. The more direct driving force may be the hope of obtaining an intellectual breakthrough (using game theory to look at a financial mechanism?), because it has been a long time. I haven't felt a breakthrough in my understanding of the world since... So, remember this feeling of dissatisfaction, and at the same time start looking for other possible breakthrough perspectives.

Second is the mind-body relationship, first to liberate yourself, second to want to help your boyfriend, and then to prepare for a situation where you might be powerless when you actually start practicing (see, double assumption here, no wonder such a goal feels so far away, So much less motivation), or preparing for possible future research directions (again, double future hypothesis!). There is also a question of belief here: Can you believe that a lot of physical discomfort can be improved? Do you have enough tools to do this? Fortunately, I have already found some ways, and I have been in this circle and can find more ways, so I should have more optimistic and firm confidence in this.

(Discovering this list of motives, examining how far the motives are from my reality, and finding the closest motives, is a very effective way to sort out)

Does this line of thinking allow you to find something you are truly interested in, passionate about, and doing consistently? It may not be guaranteed, but it will make most of the daily things feel easier and more natural. Those passion-driven geniuses are also a narrative after all, maybe I can be the kind of person that others will envy, maybe I will not be the top master in any field in my short life, just accept it, the illusion can be changed from today Start shattering, start down-to-earth real life.