The hagfish-like woman in "Drive My Car"

At the beginning of each character, there is pain in life. Those pains that we have not yet been able to speak and deal with are called "trauma". It must be deep, deep cut, like a sharp knife, a breach in the depths of the soul, and since then there has been a difference from the crowd, forming a watershed. You know, some wounds are personal, very personal and very personal, which cannot be contained by the "normal" of a group, and sometimes even intimate objects cannot be contained, like a kind of personal privacy and secrecy.

Like in life, the deepest love and the deepest pain are the same, they cannot be shared with others. And a person often has this kind of individual "deepness" before his own life really begins to take shape. Before that, we were just vain shadows attached to social groups, and regarded the "greatest common denominator" of society as ourselves; but facing the deepest reality of each person's life, we just searched for the "greatest common denominator" between each other. least common factor". About what I am and what you are.

In the marriage relationship in the play, the unspoken contradiction lies in the conflict between the individual and the relationship community. Like who translated "ambivalent" into "Ambivalence"? Often our expectations for relationships are to find someone to take over and place our most selves, to form a community that is inseparable from each other, and to rely most closely in the world. When will we be willing to admit that we in the relationship are still individuals, with each other's needs and self-constitution, and even beyond the scope of the other? The other party, has a part of our relationship that cannot be satisfied? I, in fact, is not the other's all, all, even though we live so closely together?

Like the hagfish in the story of the wife whispering and escaping after making love, the other party actually has an absolute self and complete will. She said that it is not like other similar ones, it likes to cling to the big fish, it just sucks the suction cup of its body tightly on the rocks at the bottom of the water, and then keeps swinging its body with the water, dancing and dancing , not eating or drinking, no matter how thin you become like a water plant, until the end of your life, you still don't give up, swinging with all your last strength. That kind of swinging and dancing is like reducing life to the final and simplest form, returning to the most primitive and primitive will and power of life, even almost an unconscious pursuit, just feeling the most fundamental existence of oneself. And this drive, it's so raw, so innate, so primitive, so stubborn and so strong in feeling its way.

As a result, sex is also like a way of manifestation and existence of this original and original power. More core is that we want to use this or that to constantly feel ourselves and release the inner original power, which is close to a kind of instinct without thinking, to let the self exist. As Shuji Terayama once said, kissing and kissing is just using other people's mouth to kiss oneself. And the union of sex seems to be two people doing the same thing, maybe it is just using the other person's body to feel their own existence.

It's about the ego, this very raw, felt power. It can extend and expand in all directions, so that it will not point to a single object. Even if it is, that single object will not be a specific external object, but will ultimately point to , Normalized self.

It is also different from superficial and superficial sexual desire, but it is the call and pursuit of self-existence from the core. Like who said, the feeling of sexual enlightenment can actually be in the open world, feeling the vastness of one's own existence, and various spaces and possibilities, that's all. But it makes people feel inexplicably close, because they are close to themselves, and they are close to others. In the play, whether it is love or love or sex or storytelling or writing or acting or driving, it is all the same, it is just a way of how we let the inner flow freely.

Everyone needs to feel the existence of self, but this kind of thorough self-seeking is destined not to conform to the way defined by the world. In the process of growing up and socializing, the power of the original self is only constantly suppressed and regulated, forming a self-internalized bondage such as "morality". On the contrary, a child who is as white as a piece of paper, before he understands the shackles of socialization and ideological education, can get closer to this freedom of true self-existence. By nature. All the efforts made by some people in the day after tomorrow are actually formed to get rid of these things that have been imposed on them, so that they are deeply ingrained, and the unconscious consciousness is restored to the self. Everything in this world flows naturally, and I am just one of them. And those who are more enlightened may just try and touch the edge in a dim way, and choose to let them exist truthfully. like audio. He/They just dare to touch their own reality, so they are closer to finding it.

In the play, the relationship between Yin and Jiafu seems to have crossed the subtle and thin self-boundary and escaped the boundary of the relationship. Then, like a rift opened, it is hidden but cannot be ignored, exists clearly, but has nothing to say. Don't dare to cross the threshold half a step, like a taboo. Relationships have secrets, different distances, estrangements. As for the family portrait, it is trying its best to maintain the balance on the surface, as a way of correspondence. He said, she is so natural, while loving me, while doing things to betray me.

In fact, watching, or waiting to see his reaction, is interesting. He chose a way of inaction and non-response, but this kind of thing will not disappear without a trace, as if it never happened, like throwing a stone and getting an echo. All the lack of echo is actually just a delayed and post-response response, and the counterattack must be more powerful. I was like waiting to see what this man would do with his way, with his rational, calm personality. So, you will guess, what is going on in his mind under his plain expression? How to understand and accept all this.

Yes, it turned out to be the word "understand". That kind of indifference does not seem to be brewing explosive power, it is not seeking an outlet to express emotions, nor is it emphasizing the rights, obligations or responsibilities that should be dealt with in the relationship. On the personal emotional level, to digest and understand all this: a person he is so close and familiar with has an intimate place other than himself.

It’s like falling in love to a certain extent, and suddenly discovering that the other party is unfamiliar, with aspects and needs that we don’t understand, and trying to figure out and understand how those split parts can be combined and coherent with what we have always known. . It is conceivable that in any long-term and stable relationship, when you find out that the other party is not the face you know, it must be a huge shock. And a mature emotional relationship must not negate everything with a sentence like "the other party is a bitch". You may even secretly think that in the relationship, there is something that the other party wants, but you don't know and can't satisfy it, so there is such a kind of "escape" and "derailment". You will want to seek out that gap in relationship and self, where is it. In particular, he said that he could feel that the other party really loved him, and he had no doubt about it.

Yes, once there is a conflict or a gap between love and self, how do we face it? Don't dare to look directly, because it will hurt people. Underneath is actually the fear and insecurity of the ego. Is it not enough? What tests people in a relationship is often love or self, which is more important. Like a "rival in love", there is a "missing piece" of the person you love. Are you willing to look at it, go into the hurt, and find the missing piece that you don't know? Even the more painful it is, the more real it is? As he said, even though he and Yin are so close, he still feels that deep in her heart, there is a huge black hole vortex that he cannot understand, which is always pulling her in a direction that is unfamiliar to him. what he cannot touch.

He thought that the intimate relationship was between her and someone other than himself, this or that. But in fact, it could just be about her and herself. The new-found intimacy. The most intimate relationship in this world is between yourself and yourself. If you dare to look directly at it, everything will be regarded as deviant. It's not impossible for him to understand, it's just that he is constrained by his own fear and insecurity, and chooses a safe but far away position. He was no longer at the heart of their relationship, intimate, because he chose to avoid the deepest, most painful truths about each other.

But, being as close as they are, why is he still so afraid? One of them, perhaps because her freedom mirrors his unfree, oppressed side. Sexual freedom, the deepest kind, must be about the totality of embracing, accepting, releasing, and expressing oneself, not any lack of compensation, replacement relationship. The former is "fullness", the completeness of the self; the latter is "lack", such as the lack of self in emotions, values, and identity. Or "emptiness", like Takahashi, who said that what he read and felt from Yin's script was his own "emptiness".

Is the family portrait "empty" or "full"? He seems to be very full, but I feel that he is full a lot, in fact, it is to cover up his emptiness, some lack of substance in his life, like his emotional relationship that has lost the support of the foundation. Even deeper, there is some trauma he shares with Yin, the origin of the trauma: his daughter who died young.

It's just that Yin is different from him in that Yin accidentally found other ways and outlets to release his existence on the edge of the "emptiness", but he has not yet. Like she accepted her "emptiness" and embraced the parts of herself that needed it, even if it was subconscious. For Yin, sex is a kind of calmness after the body is released, which leads to the release of the suppressed truth in the heart. Flowing in the way of stories, there is also a part of her self, which is a fragment of herself that can be retrieved and put together. Stories, love, and sex are just one of her ways of existence. She just realized that she is "full" possible.

And this way of seeking self-existence has positive and negative ways. Extremely intense, such as in the hagfish story, Takahashi later added the part: the character in the story said that the most unacceptable thing is that he has done something bad, but the world seems to be unaffected Yes, still turning. The phrase "I killed it, I killed it" repeated in front of the surveillance camera is also like an extreme call and desire for one's own existence, which transcends all standards of right and wrong, morality, and even law Boundaries, but just: I need to exist. It seems that this is what she needs deep in her core, a kind of urgency for self-establishment.

Jiafu has always been afraid of this kind of "emptiness", and avoided the reality of his own life. He thought that only he was deficient, and he needed to fill it up. He really needs to find a place for self-existence and an object to rely on emotionally to make up for his "lack". And that is sound, he uses sound as the outlet of self and emotion. Like a hidden window, it can understand him best, understand him, and release it on his behalf. He has not yet felt the absolute freedom and loneliness of the individual. He is dependent, so he is in a weak position in the emotional relationship. Because he needed her, he was particularly afraid of losing her. She became an integral part of his own existence.

He said that he felt that there was a big black hole whirlpool in Yin's body, but in fact, didn't he also have such a black hole whirlpool in his body? The same is true for everyone. It's just that the sound has found its own way to get close to it, making it visible, visible and perceptible, and most of us choose to avoid it and cover it up, mistakenly thinking that it doesn't exist, or it's all caused by others.

We exist, perhaps ultimately, to uncover our own unique reality of life. Go and see clearly what the black hole vortex is, why it exists, and how it forms such a vacuum, which keeps pulling people inward until it collapses, or pushes it out to infinity. The only way to stop it is to see it with your own eyes, face it squarely, and look directly at it, so that it will no longer consume and expand inwardly, until it devours and overwhelms our existence. Gazing into the abyss requires a kind of self-established strength. I see before.

Why am I empty? What do I hate about myself? Touch, and then everything is still, for a moment, it will be like a silent vacuum absolute existence, I only feel myself, everything is extremely clear. Then, we will have the long-awaited peace and tranquility.

As Jiafu remembered, the last sound. That morning, as usual, before she went out, she told him that when she came back in the evening, she wanted to tell him something. Afterwards, he described her tone as always gentle but firm. I think Yin also found the courage to face up to his own existence on the edge of repeated suppression and struggle, like a kind of acknowledgment in his heart, a kind of determination to accept who he is. I can believe that before she died, she gained her own truth and peace.

And the rest, always external, is just sharing. Like Takahashi said, maybe she has been waiting for you to ask her questions. It is a kind of release and sharing of love. I want to tell you who I am and how I found myself.

And like those stories that escape freely, perhaps this can be a sentence: I love you, and I also love myself, pursuing what I want.

And just as Misaki said, there is no conflict between the two, and this is what Jiafu needs to understand and let go of most, so that she can no longer be a "mysterious" existence.

do i understand you Because I love you and care about you, I want to know all about you, good or bad, it doesn’t matter, because this is you, so I want to know, even if it’s the part where I’m not. But a deeper relationship, asking me to love you, means that all parts of you are related to me.

After all, he looked directly at himself with love and made her whole. As Takahashi said, no matter how close the relationship is, we cannot fully understand each other. All we can do is to look directly at the truest self. Including all cowardly, weak, selfish parts. In this way, he, who had been aphasia for a long time, found his (voice) voice.

This is also like the metaphor of silent casting in that scene within a scene: In fact, each of us is silent, and it is not until we find our own unique language and expression that we reconnect everything. She had lost the closest connection to her body, only now, in a different way, everything was flowing again.

The truth is often simple, but the process we have to accept the truth is extremely complicated. Love does not exclude others, let alone exclude oneself. When you embrace the reality of your own life, you embrace the reality of the lives of others; when you allow yourself the freedom of who you really are, you allow the freedom of others to be what you really are. The same is true, the relationship has a new meaning, it is no longer a bundled community, but it is independent, but it accepts and shares with each other. There are parts of us in common and parts of us outside of each other. For each of us, what we can find and gain in the end is only ourselves. The other party is not ours, but our own. And for the sake of love, we also learn to practice our independence to perfect each other. Not just out of fear of becoming a burden to the other party, but from the heart to understand that independence is the greatest freedom, and I also want the other party to feel the beauty and completeness of being myself.

This is the revelation given by that hagfish-like woman.

Come, tell me, what is the underwater world that you see and feel in your eyes...