You are your own trauma healer

I am a person who likes to keep many things in my heart and not express them.

I recently realized that this trait caused me trauma when I was a child, but I was too young at the time and did not realize that doing so was not releasing my emotions.

For example, when I was eight or nine years old and attending an extracurricular English cram school, the whole class sat quietly in the classroom listening to the teacher analyze the next question. Suddenly, her cell phone rang. She apologized to us, opened the cover, answered the phone, and in an instant, her eyes were red. This middle-aged teacher tried hard not to let the tears fall out of her eyes, but still failed. She told us that we could leave the get out of class after finishing the questions, and she had an urgent matter to deal with today, and she was very sorry. Later, I vaguely heard that one of her parents had passed away.

That was the first time I saw an adult lose control of himself in the workplace. But I think it was not necessarily a loss of control. All the work and activities were not as important as the lives of my family, at least in my opinion. But that slightly cool weather with a gray sky made me understand one thing: when you are particularly sad, you can cry regardless of the occasion. It's OK, it's not a big deal. You have the right to tear.

In my family education, my parents were always annoyed and irritated by my crying. Even if I really cried because of pain (physical) and sadness, they would just say, "Okay, don't cry. It's not right for a child this old to cry again. You are so ignorant. It's embarrassing for everyone to cry here." When this intimidation worked and I was too scared to cry, they turned to sweet talk and gave me something delicious to coax me. I have such memories since I was about four or five years old.

My favorite snack at that time was candy. All kinds of candy, fruit flavor was the best. Sweet, slowly melted in the mouth. But what I didn't know was that although my mouth was sweet, the sadness in my heart still existed and was not resolved. So many years later, when I thought of the taste of candy, a hint of bitterness always appeared in my brain. I was like a sunny, cute, and well-behaved person on the surface, but when I peeled off the candy wrapper, I was wrapped in bitter dark chocolate.

After I went to school, I was envied by my classmates and had some bad experiences, but I didn’t tell my parents or teachers. I just digested it all by myself. I didn’t give in, I just believed that I could digest it all. Now it’s hard to believe that I have endured so much and am still alive today.

I think it was more because of my parents' personalities that I didn't dare to talk to them about things other than studying. They would always evade or scold me by saying "making a mountain out of a molehill" or "don't do things that are not related to studying". Even when I attended dinner parties with them and toasted, I always felt like an outsider, just observing everything silently and never integrating into the group.

After high school, I broke down and cried in my room several times. Of course, I chose to do so when my mother was not around. I was like a person drowning in emotions, trying to slide up and get some respite, but I never got help.

So my heart gradually became blocked.

From college to graduate school to work, I had many moments of confusion and heartbreak. But I never asked my parents for help. Because I could clearly imagine their answers, expressions, tone, and the impatient atmosphere in my mind.

So since I started living alone, I would exercise, watch movies, sing, and dance when I have time, but I would never choose to call my parents to share my life. I am very impatient with them. When I hear my mother talk about marriage, I am so speechless that any passerby can see the anger on my head. I am not willing to open my heart to them, nor do I want to listen to them talk about their trivialities.

You're right, I'm not that tolerant, I'm just so impatient and mean.

That's because I've had enough of not being able to express my emotions freely for a long time. For some people, this is not an important thing. But for highly sensitive people, it is very, very important.

Fortunately, I have learned a lot of valuable lessons from my good friends and partner. For example, how to comfort myself, how to relieve anxiety, how not to be too harsh on myself and others, and how to enjoy the present moment without wasting time.

I believe that fate has made me experience hardships and also let me see happiness and self-consistency. When facing gentle people, my heart will unconsciously soften, begin to tolerate, begin to laugh out loud, and no longer be trapped in a certain emotion.

As I write this, the gentle voices and expressions of those people come to my mind. I don't believe in gods and ghosts, but I believe that a kind, hardworking and honest person will meet someone who is worthy of his true love. Love is like a stream, flowing in each other's hearts, bringing happiness and light.

When I walked in the mountains, watched the sunset with my friends, chased the stars, and laughed loudly in 2020, I realized that happiness can make people faint. It's not just love that can make people happy, any kind of sincere emotion can.

I have so many wounds in my heart that I don't want to solve them by reading a few books. But in the past few years, at least since 2020, I have respected my own thoughts and feelings. I no longer live for achievements or praise. After all, "half a lifetime of hard work is in vain, and who will read a perfect inscription on the tombstone?" During this process, I was scolded and disdained by my parents countless times, but I am no longer the child who can only cry.

I will always stand beside the little girl with twin ponytails when she was five or six years old, hug her with heartache, and tell her that it is not wrong to show your emotions. Crying is not a sign of weakness. Making mistakes is also a necessary part of life, and you don’t have to be right in everything. Faced with different choices, you can do it or not, as long as you know that someone will stand firmly by your side and support you.

That person is you.