"The Courage to Be Hated" We all inhabit a subjective world that each assigns its meaning

Title: "The Courage to Be Hated"
Author: Kishimi Ichiro, Koga Shijian Translator: Ye Xiaoyan

Determinism vs. Teleology

 Determinism: What happened in the past has determined our present and our future, and it cannot be shaken.

Freud believed that the trauma of the past creates the unfortunate experience of the present.

 Teleology: What should be investigated is not the cause of the past, but the "purpose" of the present. People can be changed.

Adler argues that no experience in itself is the cause of success or failure. It is not the experience that determines the ego, but the meaning we give to the experience.

 This book is about people from Adler's point of view.

People can fabricate anger

When you have an outburst, is it really because your anger is controlling you? Or is it actually trying to achieve a purpose through anger?

Let's imagine a picture together.
When I was a child, there must have been accidents. My parents were very angry because you didn't go home to do your homework immediately after class, but instead went to the park to play. They go to the park to catch you, frowning and raising their voices, ready to scold you. It's too late to talk, Auntie Lin next door was walking back from the dusk market. She saw the two of you from a distance and waved happily: "Hey~ you guys are here too!" His brows had already been quickly unlocked, and he responded to the warm greeting with a bright smile. In just a few minutes, Aunt Lin waved her sleeves and left. The storm in your mother's heart is condensed again, and you are once again caught in the storm circle, ready to be shattered. This is what Adler meant. The anger of parents is actually to achieve the purpose of making you afraid and making you dare not do it again, not the anger itself.

People often decide not to change

People can change anytime, anywhere. You cannot change because you are determined not to change. Because the current lifestyle is a bit unsatisfactory; relatively speaking, maintaining the status quo is easier than changing. For example, it is relatively beneficial for the future self to spend the evening reading and studying after get off work, but it is a relatively easy choice to sit on the sofa after having a full meal, turn on the TV, watch a drama and watch the sleepiness.

Last year, A said that she was preparing for the IELTS, in order to obtain a visa to work in Australia, but she was unable to read, and seeing that the test date was approaching, she also spent her time worrying about what to do if she failed the test, instead of Get ready now. I said, "Would you consider shutting down the social media software for a while, so that you can concentrate on preparing for the exam, and it's not too late to play after the exam is over!" She said, "I can't do it! I can't imagine being without a face. In book days, I was brushing every few minutes." I stopped giving advice. Because for her, it was a big deal to go back to Taiwan if the exam was not good, and it was painful for her to work hard to prepare for the exam. After that, I really returned to Taiwan and complained again and again about the working environment. I'm so tired to hear that there's nothing you can get without hard work.

The arrogant person is actually a manifestation of inferiority

A truly confident person does not boast. Only those who have a high sense of inferiority will be eager to boast that they are excellent, because they are afraid that if they do not do so, no one will identify with such a self. Adler called it the superiority complex.

I just started working at Soda Stream, a sparkling water brand. At that time, a quality control manager asked me to explain the matter. He said: "Are you smart? Because I'm smart, I don't like to work with stupid people." I was too stupid to react, because no one ever talked to me like that in my life, I kept silent and thought about it all day: "Only stupid people don't know they are stupid, right?" Because smart people are smart , because they are humble, often think that they are not enough, and study hard and make progress. When the arrogant people are about to blurt out some arrogant words, they should not see the taillights of those smart people, because when they waste their time bragging about themselves, they are already stronger than them.

Do you see your friends as partners or competitors?

In Adler's point of view, you can't bless those who appear to be happy from the heart, because you see relationships as competition, and you think other people's happiness is like "your own setback", so you can't give blessings.

There are so many people like this! ! ! T is the most negative person I know. She and I are just nodding acquaintances. Once she said she wanted to come to my house to cook hot pot, and I agreed that day. Ever since I drove her in the car, she began to criticize, saying that my car was hot, old, why didn't I change it, and then she took out our mutual friends and took turns to criticize, who is more and more like an uncle? ! Why does the boyfriend keep changing? I was so overwhelmed by negative emotions that I was about to explode all day long. Can someone change your boyfriend to do your shit? You don't have to be like this if you can't get a boyfriend, right? In the end, I was really annoyed and said, "Can you shut up?" From that day on, I just disconnected from this person and never replied to her messages again. People who can't see the goodness of others are not suitable to be friends, not even for a second.

The first time I read this book was probably when I graduated from college and just came out of the society, and I forgot the content and only remembered the title of the book. Picking up this book again by chance is full of harvest and spiritual healing. It is very suitable for people who are out of breath in life and are emotionally blackmailed by the people around them. It gives you a different perspective of thinking and learns to let yourself go.