"Expectation."

Date: 2022.04.20

Location: Kaohsiung City

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"As human beings, what should we be most concerned about?"

A few days ago, when I read "Lakeside Essays", I saw the question and asked myself at the same time.

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It seems that I don't know what is really worth paying attention to, and even how to think about it at this moment is not so clear. While thinking about how to think about it, you are also facing how to deal with your next meal, your next social interaction, your next joy, or your next difficulty.

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Maybe there are so many questions that I don't know what to focus on. Or there is never a problem that needs to be paid attention to, just a conclusion that seems to be reasonable, but there is always no way to be persuaded by this conclusion in my heart.

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There is no way to convince it, but it feels like the answer, so I try very hard not to pay attention to the problems I see in front of me, but in the end I can't help but care about my current state and the relationship between the people around me and myself. Care about everything that happens in your life.

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"Careful" to some extent symbolizes that there is actually an expectation in the heart, because I look forward to the realization of the "expectation", so I care about the real life, whether there is really a path to realization.

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But what I am really looking forward to, it seems that I am not really so sure in my heart. From before to now, I have only been sure of what I don’t want, and because I am sure of what I don’t want, most of my energy is spent on leaving and giving up. Even if I really do something, my original intention is to let me do it without having to live my original life, and try my best to achieve the so-called "expectation", but in the end, it seems that I just want myself not to live a life that I don't want. , is it really close to "expectation", I still don't know.

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It's probably like saying, "I don't want to eat bad food when I'm not hungry." It doesn't mean that what I want now is to eat good food. Although the doctrine of the double negative means affirmation, but The actual feeling does not seem to follow such rules.

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Sometimes I feel that there are too many possibilities in life, so no matter how much negation there is, it may not be able to exchange for a real affirmation. If you still don’t know what you really want, those so-called expectations are still expectations, should you really care about the things you care about?

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When I remembered a while ago when I talked to K about how to continue doing "Walk a long way, tell a story", I also talked about the concept of doing "Camp Reading Club" before, and talked about why I wanted to do adventure therapy, and talked about it earlier. I used to take my friends up the mountain all the time.

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"Actually, I just like the feeling of everyone being together, having a good dinner, chatting, and having a heart-to-heart talk."

I don't know why, but I suddenly said that at the end.