Mom, how are you doing in heaven?

Author Little Sun's Star and Heart

Since my mother passed away, every time I put incense on her, the first sentence is not to ask her to bless everyone with good health and make a lot of money, but,

"Mom, how are you in heaven? I'm fine here, please don't worry."

When I was very young, my mother suffered from a serious illness. Since then, it was inconvenient to use crutches. Maybe it was because she was so beautiful. I will never forget that she wore a long skirt and high heels before she fell ill. child's appearance.

The third grade of elementary school, my fateful year, I have a deep memory of just transferring to a new school. On the first day of school, I have to measure my height and weight. Since I was a child, I was very small and always looked like two years younger than my actual age. As soon as I stood on the scale, the pointer of the scale pointed to 18 kilograms. The new teacher thought the scale was broken and asked me to get down and weigh again. I got down and stood up again. This time, the teacher thought he was blinded and told me to get down again Once again, I went up and down there, as if I was jumping the stairs to get aerobics. After a few times, the teacher finally confirmed that his eyes and scales were not damaged, and shouted "18 kilograms" loudly. !

Just before the scale was almost driven by me, my mother fell ill and was hospitalized a few days after the start of the new semester. The fate of being entangled with my mother began to unfold, and the invisible and invisible fear and pressure also weighed heavily on my small shoulders of 18 kilograms.

I don't have any friends near my new home, only a few idiot kids who will come to learn how my mother walks, and those who have clearly passed by and still look back at you stubbornly, seeing how strange we look. Forgot to cast a strange look, and even opened their mouths to admonish and teach, "You are doing evil in your previous life, so you are so crippled and small, you have to recite this of us... (what a great scripture) can you be redeemed..." This In this case, after several times, I wondered if I had done something bad.

I was afraid that my classmates would also walk like my mother, and I was afraid that I would be rejected in the new school and new class. I didn’t dare to go to my classmates’ house to play. My classmates wanted to play at home. My head was shaking like a wavy drum. After a long time, instead of being rejected by others, it is better for me to reject others first, so I developed a set of self-protection methods as a child. I am endlessly lonely.

The new teacher was a male teacher, maybe he knew about my family and wanted to try to get along with me, I remember him wrapping me between his thighs and asking me affectionately from behind my ear, "Why don't you follow me? Classmates playing?" A bunch of female classmates were booing around, "Yeah! She doesn't even play with us..."

I don't know what to say, because at that time I was very afraid that the male teacher would shake my mother's situation out in front of everyone. I didn't dare to break free from him, and said timidly, "No... I didn't stop playing with them..."

Maybe the male teacher had good intentions, but when I think about it now, I feel quite disgusting, and it reminds me of Fang Siqi.

Another time, the male teacher asked a male classmate to get up and answer the question. The male classmate was ready to sit down after typing the question. The male teacher suddenly pointed at me and said, "You like xx (my name), right? You like her. , remember to find her to play with after class!"

At that time, I was too young and didn't know how to react at all, and hearing the roars of boys loving girls next to me made my head go blank.

My friendship situation has reached the point where the teacher will nominate classmates to come and play with me in class. Of course, I didn't play with the male classmate later, because I dug a trench for myself, and neither men nor women could cross.

The male teacher may want me to make more friends, but one day he announced in class, "Transfer student xx (my name)'s mother is sick and has difficulty moving. Everyone should take care of her and play with her!"

(I don't want sympathy! I just want to be like everyone! I want to be low-key and inconspicuous, can't I!)

I screamed in my heart, my heart broke.

The male teacher may be well-intentioned, but I lied to myself that "my family is so happy", and the little sky that was supported by the lie of "my mother is the same as everyone" in my fictional world collapsed instantly, and the male teacher's The starting point may be good for me, but his EQ is low. I hated the world because of his stupidity. Since then, I have dug a big hole for myself, and I have never come out since I jumped in.

Before my mother got sick, I used to put flowers I picked on my head. In a former elementary school, there was a tall male classmate who would carry me around in circles. A bunch of friends ran and danced around, and the children were laughing under the blue sky. brighter than the sun. But that bright sun later became a dead sound in my life.

When I grew up, I also got used to it. Those who came to imitate my mother's walk and persuaded me were all ignorant children and religious madmen. I chose not to care. When I was in college, I even took my mother and my friends at the time to go there. I went to the night market, and sure enough, people have grown up and their minds have matured. My mother and I have traveled many places on five feet.

Then something happened that changed my life.

When I was in my twenties, I had a man who was talking about getting married, and we got to the point where our parents met at a dinner. At the hotel, before his mother arrived, he said a word to me, and on the spot I wondered if my ears were deaf.

He said, "Wait a minute and tell your mom not to stand up. My mom will be startled when she sees that."

I said, "You didn't tell your mother that my mother's hands and feet are inconvenient?"

"I said it, but imagining it is different from seeing it in reality! My mother will be scared to death when she sees your mother's actions, she will feel sorry for me, and she will oppose our marriage!"

will feel sorry for you? ? ? My heart broke in two on the spot. I could hear the cracking sound.

I didn't say anything, but what I thought in my heart was, I want to stand or sit, ma'am, what the fuck? ! How could I tell my mother such a thing, lunatic!

Throughout the dinner, my mother sat with a smile on her face. Her feet are not good enough to press on nerves, and she needs to go to the toilet often, but that day, no matter how I asked her, she shook her head and said no.

He must have gone to tell my mother not to stand up. My mother is inconvenient, and she is the one who suffers the most. He even went to tell her this, this dead man!

Later, I didn't marry this man, even though he didn't say anything, just when we were talking about marriage and we were just about to book a hotel, I disappeared, and disappeared without a trace. Of course, we usually get along with each other. There were a lot of questions, and this event was the final straw.

I refused to tell my mother what the man said back then. I heard that the man came to my house crying to pick up the luggage. What he said to my mother, my mother still refused to tell me. My mother only said one sentence, "You don't have to worry about me, go and pursue your happiness!"

I burst into tears every time I think about it, not because of the man, but because of my mother's heartache.

I know that I will never be able to pass this hurdle, and I will always cry for the rest of my life. I used to be unwilling to face it. I deceived myself and pretended to be dead since I was a child. I thought that if I didn’t admit it and didn’t face it, I would always be like everyone else and not be seen by aliens. , while I was in my mother's last years, did I honestly face myself? I thought about this question for a long time, and finally, I don't want to lie, I don't think so, otherwise I wouldn't hear her words, "You don't need to worry about me, you go to pursue your happiness!" She put it there and left by herself.

I think my mother was very happy to see me happy at last, so she endured the loneliness of losing me, but if life could do it again, I would choose to stay by her side, she wouldn't do anything at all Okay, I just want her to stay by my side, I really want her to tell me that no matter how wayward I am, she never blames me, and I really want her to tell me that I worked hard in a foreign country She has seen it, she is proud of me, but she can't speak...

One winter night, her heart was probably tired and didn't want to beat. She passed away in her sleep. At that time, there was no one around. My dad was already cold when he found out.

Now, I really hope that she will climb out of the coffin board, read my blog, and say to me, "Compared to xxx (famous writer), I think your writing is better!"

Hahahaha, it's so funny that I want to cry... When are you still laughing?

I copied my mother's appearance, but I didn't get her strength and courage, so I often fell into pain alone, but I think my mother left me a treasure, that is, the ability to be funny anytime, anywhere, because I have This kind of funny special ability, so it can live to the present in a foreign country.

Thanks to my mother, no matter what kind of life she brings to me, it is actually my own choice in the end. I have nothing but incomparable gratitude to her.

I would also like to thank a young man from a star who was willing to listen to me tell these stories and endure my tearful flood attack. I can only thank him for two words,

thanks…

It's the only language I can speak to you in the most perfect language in the world.