rest

My depression is actually much more stable now, but it sometimes flares up for no apparent reason.
I honestly think I might still be having a seizure, but it's much better than last week.

Now that I think about it, I forget how I spent the last week.
On Mondays, things were actually okay, I could still exercise and read, but at night, I suddenly felt that something was wrong, so I decided to take a day off on Tuesday to observe my state.
I didn't expect the seizures to be more severe than I expected. I was very sensitive to many things and my emotions were unstable, but I couldn't feel whether my emotions were sad or what. I even picked up a Swiss knife and wanted to cut myself. Impulsive, but I stopped without cutting out any traces.

This episode was accompanied by a physical response, I felt tired, didn't have the motivation to do anything, didn't even want to take a shower, and if it wasn't for my boyfriend urging me to go, maybe I'd have to sleep all day without taking a shower.

I can only rely on games and dramas to divert my emotions. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I was supposed to return to the doctor last week, but my doctor asked for a temporary leave.

In fact, it has been several weeks since I found myself unable to sense my emotions, and I also sought the advice of a counselor. She suggested that when I can't sense my emotions, I slow down and don't do things that divert my emotions, just feel them.
But I found it was too painful, I couldn't calm down and feel it, and finally I used various methods to transfer my emotions.

I give myself a deadline: I rest until Sunday, Monday, that is, today, even if it is very uncomfortable, don't continue to lie in bed, because it will only get worse, I think of Starbucks: My favorite place to come during the blues , I don't know how long I haven't been here, because of money, but I found that I need a place where I can stay away from the place that makes me melancholy without being too suffocating.

For the first few weeks, I went to the K Book Center to study and meditate, but I know that place is a bit suffocating for me now.

I found that I was always spinning in a circle, full of energy, anxiety, and loss of fighting spirit.
But I persevered hard. I told myself that even if I choose to rest now, there is always a stop loss point. I have to persevere and restore the perseverance to do something.

In a way, I think I'm quite masochistic! But maybe it was also influenced by the fact that I knew that I was going to go back to school. I had to persevere, otherwise how would I survive after school started?

Having depression really gave me a lot of challenges.