[Matters 85] Say thank you and goodbye

Until now there is still a little bit in the mood. About, say "Thank you, goodbye."

At two o'clock in the morning in Germany, the online farewell memorial service began. Liren is the father-in-law, and I never thought that people would just leave like that.

Following the online memorial service, we knelt down, recited the scriptures, knelt down again, and recited the scriptures again. Until here at 5:00 in the morning, the father-in-law was going out of the hall to go to the feathers. We, on the other side of the world, could no longer follow through the camera lens. But the tears still flowed uncontrollably. In the face of leaving, I am always very narrow-minded and have no bearing. In fact, the funny thing is that no matter how weak the relationship is, people who have never met in daily life or online will always fall a little in my heart, because they meet each other. There is always fate, I always cherish and cherish it very much, and my husband who knows it is always sarcastically saying, who are you doing this for? It's not for anyone, it's just that he values his feelings and has been installed with a soul code that is not suitable for survival in society. After a long time, I tried to numb myself or pretend that nothing happened, but there was always an occasional opening, and everything poured out. In fact, the rational side is very clear. In every relationship, I always think that one day I will say thank you and say goodbye, and even to important people, I will keep thinking about how to leave at night. I cried a lot and finally thought it would be okay. But in fact, in the end, I can't help but cry. I don't know how.

After coming to Germany to study, I experienced three partings in total.

The first time was with my grandfather. There was no epidemic at that time. Naturally, I took a direct flight back to Taiwan by myself. When I got off the plane, I didn't even change my clothes, didn't wash my clothes, and I felt that I was smelly and was taken to the mourning hall. At that time, listening to the prayers, standing in the hall and following the process of kneeling down and chanting scriptures, the various experiences of getting along with my grandfather were overwhelming, and I couldn't help but cry.

The second time was with my grandmother. Not long after the epidemic started, the world was panicking, and the restrictions were quite strict. Naturally, it was too late to rush back to Taiwan by plane, and my family did not allow it. I felt that it was too dangerous during the epidemic, and I had to isolate all kinds of difficulties. Heavy, so I was forced to stay in Germany. At that time, there was no online memorial service. I could only look at the note my grandmother wrote to me and cry silently. At that time, my mother said, "Silently recite the sutra and pray for grandma, and she will receive it." I recited it at night, but no one led me in the end, and I only knew how to recite the heart sutra and the Buddha's name. Grandma goes to Elysium.

I really believe in the soul, and even blindly believe that walking is never really walking on weekdays. They who have turned into spirits will exist in some form, and even if their thoughts are strong enough, they can make their own thoughts passed on to them.

However, when that moment came, I couldn't help but feel sad, trembling, weeping, and turbulent inside, I needed a floating rope for me to grab (like, the current text. Please let me swim here, sorry .)

This time, I couldn't go back. Fortunately, there is an online memorial service. After kneeling and reading the scriptures, round after round, I laid out a yoga mat in the kitchen and living room of the German rented house. Sincerely, I suddenly realized that my relationship with my father-in-law was really short-lived.

The first time I saw my father-in-law was when I graduated from college. At that time, it was my future father-in-law. When I graduated, the two met in the corridor of the library. The normal process of politeness: taking pictures together, chatting with each other, that's all. Later, when I went abroad and got married, every year when I went back to Taiwan, I followed my husband south to my hometown. It's just because I'm not his child after all, so I always treat myself as an outsider, polite and distant.

In fact, restraint can be a bit harmful to enthusiastic people. But I can't help but need to be prudish about this dress or armor, and I hate that prudence at the moment.

Therefore, I remember that my father-in-law helped to carry bags and luggage. I also remember that when returning from the south, I would pass through my parents’ house first. He always asked me to carry some peanuts or fruit home, but he was worried that I would not be able to carry it and helped to carry it. I always say thank you, sorry, he always says why he is polite, we are all family. In fact, it's not a courtesy, it's a sincere thank you, and it's a sincere and sincere feeling that it's troublesome to others.

In addition, there is one of the most unforgettable and embarrassing memories, which happened at the airport.

Every time I fly between Taiwan and Germany, my time in Taiwan is always in a hurry. Family and friends get together and travel to three cities in one day (even though I'm not at work...) Occasionally I have to buy things that can only be bought in Taiwan, or I have to prepare a paper before because of the topic. Little literature is only available in Taiwan and is running around everywhere. Everyone can only be allocated so little time, and sometimes they even want to hide and be alone.

The memory is particularly deep. It was the time I left the stage before writing my thesis, I carried a pile of documents in my suitcase for the thesis, twenty-nine kilograms, which is the weight measured at home. When I got to the airport, it was 30.1 kilograms, and I couldn't buy it, because it was too heavy and would hurt the person carrying the luggage. As a result, only opened to put some food in Taiwan.

However, at that moment, I couldn't find the key of the suitcase. The key was small, but I always kept it well. Somehow it was not in its original location that day, and all kinds of searching for the key just disappeared (later It was only in Germany that I found out that the inner layer of the bag had a small hole, so the key was hidden between the layers...). It's too late again, and in the end, it can only be solved by prying open with hard force. When the following red ears are ashamed, they are several years old to let this happen.

It's not easy to pry open a suitcase. Scissors, screwdrivers, and tools that I forgot, anyway, I tried so hard to kill the enemy and finally broke the lock of the suitcase. During the process, my father-in-law contributed almost all of his efforts. I’m really sorry for him (I also said thank you and I’m sorry countless times, but I just feel ashamed of being super invincible...) The father-in-law just said that it would be solved, and then he took the things and went to the envelope again. , I went to hang up my luggage, and then flew out of the customs with my husband. Finally, after passing through the customs and boarding the plane safely, I couldn't help crying.

It's just, if you don't want it, then there's no more. After the epidemic began, he never returned to Taiwan. There are videos in the middle, very brief, even sparse.

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Saying thank you and goodbye is not an easy task. Especially for people who always feel that they still owe something, the memory drawer in their hearts about that person becomes more and more hot and uncomfortable. I'd rather be blamed than me - of course, there is a stop loss point. After the age of 20, you will find that you no longer have the courage to be completely blamed, but you are still free and easy, and you can still go to all kinds of things with heartbreak. Space - it's just that there are too many people in my life for me to bear, some I don't realize at all, some I realize but don't have the chance, some exist in my heart but it's too late, and some I spend my whole life trying to owe it and I can't get rid of it. . So in the process of growing up, I gradually discovered that I was so incompetent, I could only keep in mind, actually doing nothing, very despicable.

But for the incompetent, you can only try your best to make yourself capable. Sometimes when I look back at my short but old years, I suddenly feel very emotional. At this time, although the two characters are still hanging, he has already ridiculed countless times in his teens, even the sticky sadness of spring and autumn before the age of ten, for a while, he realized that ten years and ten years were too short, and I am still incompetent. However, what is the ability?

Heaven and earth are not benevolent, and all things are dogs. Holding this sentence with a misreading attitude, I hope that I can follow the sky naturally, think about it, and how do you feel if you are a rude dog? It's better to be confused like that.

Birth, old age, sickness and death, becoming, staying, becoming, living, and being in emptiness are the path that must be passed. It is already known and must be passed. It should be peaceful and non-emotional.

I said thank you countless times in my heart, and in the end, goodbye turned into a wish for a good journey.

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There are too many moments in life where you can use thank you, no goodbye-maybe you are still floating and calm in a swimming-like attitude because of misses, and even, on weekdays, it is a relationship between gentlemen and gentlemen, but the phrase no goodbye, but It's always hard to say. Really want to say, always turned into tears, maybe in the heart, or accidentally on the face.

Every time I go to a funeral, I always ask myself "What is the meaning of life?" Suddenly there was a similar open-minded agitation. It is very contradictory, because I am reluctant to leave people, but I am not afraid that I have to walk this road that I have to go through, and because I am reluctant to still feel sad, but when I think about myself, I understand that the elders always say: "Sorrow." In fact, if The moment I leave, it's best that no one knows, and no funeral or anything, just like a bird or a cat will leave the nest or home before dying, and quietly find a place to find a world and quietly embark on the journey to come. , the point is, not to trouble others, which is the most important thing for me.

Thinking of this, I realized that I was not afraid of death, but was really afraid of taking someone down or leaving. Because of this strange thought, I always knew that I was extremely strange, but also because of this kind of thought, it clearly discerned those people with real good intentions, always grateful and eager to give something.

"Be grateful, do a lot of good, and learn to be someone else's honorable person." These are the words from my mother. It is true that I have met many noble people in my life in this way. Although I am still quite incompetent at this time, I think I can finally make progress and really help others.

At that point, maybe I'll be able to say, "Thank you, goodbye."