Closed Diary 11: Sea Possibility

Cross Zhongheng, go to the sea or build an ecological toilet

At the beginning of the month, I went to Hualien to build an ecological toilet with a friend who used to build an earth wall on the mountain. This article mainly shares my mood changes before and after departure. Those who are interested in building toilets can read my friend Akai's Facebook .

To be honest, when I came back from this trip, I only understood why I insisted on going in the first place.

Before departure

"Do you really want to go?", "Why do you have to go?" I kept asking myself before leaving. There is a reason for these self-doubts. For me, it was a journey that required a lot of preparation, and there were many uncertainties along the way. Just to prepare for the trip, I can list many reasons not to go, and they all sound reasonable, such as:

• You need to bring your own tent there, I don't have one.
• Camping gear, I don't have one.
• The weather forecast was for continuous heavy rain, and I didn't have a canopy or camp rope (and had a failed canopy experience - I'd never know how to tie those knots). In fact, before arriving, I didn't even know if there were any trees around to tie the canopy.
• To stay overnight in the wild, I haven't tried it. It might also rain, which sounds bad. I just want to sleep well, I'm worried I won't be able to fit in. (It was indeed maladaptive at the beginning. I slept in the tent for nine nights. During this period, I had trouble sleeping due to various factors such as too hot, insomnia, mosquitoes, insomnia, and the sound of the waves. On the penultimate night, many people gathered in the tent. I had a shamanic ceremony outside, and I heard that there was a chorus and drumming at the end, but it was the sweetest and most peaceful sleep I had, which is really inexplicable)
• I don’t want to go with a big bag and a small bag to take a car to transfer, so I plan to ride Zhongheng (from Nantou to Hualien, the journey is nearly six hours, most of which are steep mountain roads like hairpin bends), I have not ridden such a long road, I am worried... Will there be any problems along the way? What if there is a car accident?

I borrowed or bought what I was missing, but I couldn't calm my unease. My car is old and old, and the owner of the locomotive shop said there is no guarantee that there will be no problems on the road. The traffic that discourages me the most can only be done by constantly telling myself, "Just slow down, you can avoid most accidents", and then slowly set off on the road with an uneasy heart. In order to avoid unexpected situations, I also set off two days in advance.

I did so much preparation for this trip. Is it because I like natural architecture, or because I want to meet friends? There are still opportunities to meet these people in the future. If I usually choose to stay at home, I will not have such a hard time with myself. I don't even know what I'm obsessed with, must I overcome all odds to make this trip? I couldn't figure it out until I went.

“When common sense starts to come under attack and our desires try to resist, we try to justify our attachments. But the reasons we find are all worthless. The truth is, we don’t know how to describe what it is. It drives us. Something grows and grows within, gradually breaking free from the ropes, until one day, although not quite sure, you sail away without hesitation." - Nicola Bouvier, "The World of the World" use"

after come back

Fast forward time to my return from Hualien. Yes, I rode the crossbar again, but it was a completely different mood than when I came here. The unease before departure has been experienced once and for all, no longer shrouded in phantom images, and no longer intimidated by imagined plots. I already know what those worries actually are, and I can finally let go of my dangling heart, which is a lot easier.

After I came back, I realized the persistence of going there. What I wanted to go through was this process — a pursuit and exploration that crossed my own boundaries — I wanted to understand my comfort boundary, why it was there, and whether it could be used or not. Expand more . Where to go or what to do is not the point.

After you break the first wave, the rest of the waves become relatively easy. This journey was that first wave for me. On the crest of the wave, I saw the vastness of the sea behind it, and I knew (outside my comfort zone) that there was another world to explore.

The worries and fears before departure have been shattered by specific actions and become waves behind them, fluttering in the air and evaporating on the beach. Fear will no longer limit me. I know I can go further and further, for my own pursuit. I no longer cast envious eyes on others or wait for others to tell me the answer, or imagine a wonderful world in my head, but it is not my own. Now, I can confirm it myself.

Achievement of the month (2020/09)

• Painting: Find new ways of expressing. Draw as much as possible every day, for nothing. Home imaginative exercise.
• Picture book: After changing three themes, the story was finally finalized in the fourth, and the outline was completed.
• Music: on hold
• Article: 1 article (10 days off work diary)
• Reading: "Creation is a journey of spiritual healing", "The Little Star Dweller", "The Use of the World"
• Number of days at home: 16 days
• Email break up, cancel Medium paid membership
• Organize the studio
• Cross Zhongheng, go to the sea or build an ecological toilet
• It was the first time I went to the cinema to watch a movie since it was closed.
• Participate in body workshops and learn intuitive massage

"Retirement Diary" is a diary that I started serializing after I left my job at the age of 30, one piece per month. Interested can follow : Facebook   ｜ Instagram   ｜ Medium