澳洲爱情故事：我喜欢的人，有ADHD

今年10月，一位在英国留学的朋友给我发信息，问我能不能跟她分享一下关于ADHD的信息。因为在她的朋友圈中，我是唯一一个关注残障议题的人。她只能向我求助。

在通话中，她的声音很紧张。成长至今，她去过无数次医院的精神科，但每一次的诊断都与ADHD无关。直到来到英国，她才知道自己有ADHD以及高功能自闭症。这一次，她终于没有被误诊，我为她感到高兴。

结束完这次对话之后，我跟伴侣分享了这件事。但令我意外的是，他对这个话题似乎有很大的兴趣。当我问他为何会了解这么多信息时，他却反问我不是早就知道他有ADHD的事情了吗？我瞬间呆住了，不知道如何回应。

我的伴侣，在那个时候已经跟我约会了四个月。但尽管已经认识了一段时间，我们的关系却无法像普通情侣一样稳定，他给我的感觉总是忽冷忽热，让我怀疑自己是不是哪里做得不够好。甚至，就连有ADHD，他都「忘记告诉我了」。

此前，我一直怀疑他有「回避型依恋」，所以花了很多时间和精力去研究这个依恋类型，以此希望可以跟他沟通得更顺畅。可直到现在，我才意识到他与我相处的一些奇怪行为，不是因为回避型依恋，而是源于更深层的ADHD以及后天环境的创伤。

在他向我「出柜ADHD」之后，我试图向他询问更多关于ADHD的信息。但他总是支支吾吾，试图逃避与我的对话，甚至最后有点生气地告诉我「我也不知道我的大脑怎么了」。我只好作罢，并开始自己查阅与ADHD群体的有关信息。

据维基百科的介绍，ADHD是注意缺陷多动障碍（attention deficit hyperactivity disorder），也是一种神经发展障碍。主要表现为难以专注、过度活跃、做事不考虑后果等。除此之外，还存在不合年纪的行为且存在注意力缺失问题的患者也可能表现出情绪调节困难或执行功能方面的问题。

看到这些冰冷的介绍，我才意识到我对伴侣完全不了解，尤其是ADHD对他的影响之深，已经潜移默化地带入到这段亲密关系中。当我们的关系再一次出现问题的时候，我决定把这件事重视起来，写下了这封与他对话的长信。

阅读提醒：我对ADHD群体了解不足，仍然处在学习与思考的过程中。如果这封信里的一些用词或者句子，让你感到不安，请停止阅读。

写下这封信的时候，我们又经历了一次吵架。我歇斯底里地给你发信息，控诉你的冷漠与抗拒。你选择已读不回，试图逃避我们的矛盾。

事实上，这种焦虑感不仅是源于一次吵架，而是从交往之初就隐隐约约出现。每次我想念你的时候，我总是会哭。但你很少会有如想念之类的情感表达，这让我很困惑，为什么你不能像一个正常的伴侣一样，宠爱我呢？

直到这次吵架的出现，我的负面情绪爆发得比以往更严重。我意识到，我快要失控了。于是，在这段关系已经有要结束的苗头之前，我决定回顾关系中的相处行为，并开始借助一些与ADHD相关的资料，去了解如何跟你更好地相处。

在我看来，理想伴侣应该会每天主动跟我分享生活，会纯粹因为我的出现而感到高兴，也会跟我一起制定未来的规划。随着关系的稳定，对方应该清楚并理解与我的相处之道，尤其是我喜欢的爱的语言：肯定的话语，亲密行为以及表达爱意的服务行为。

然而，与你的磨合，却显得非常困难。你总是不回复我的信息，也不会主动发信息跟我分享生活。我对此总是不满，你则是提到自己的拖延症，随后向我道歉。尽管我不得不接受了这个现状，但我还是觉得不舒服。 

直到后来，在一次查回避型依恋的资料中，我才意识到你在情感表达有困难，或者你可能很难理解别人的感受，也就是「述情障碍」（Alexithymia）。这确实影响了我，因为你很少会表达如「我想你」或者「我喜欢你」的甜言蜜语。

我对「述情障碍」了解不多。但一想到你总是会告诉我「我不知道」时，我猜你可能即使想弄明白，你可能也没有能力；即使你想表达，你的大脑里可能什么都没有。我必须承认，这确实让我感觉很沮丧，并时常怀疑自己是否没有足够的吸引力，甚至担心你会不会突然出轨。

但查过资料之后，我的焦虑感减轻了很多。因为这跟我没有关系，你也不是故意去这样做，而是因为ADHD。可能，你在心里也会觉得很遗憾，因为无法满足我对爱的语言的需要，无法让我在这段关系中获得更多的安全感。

值得一提的是，这不仅是你面临的困境，可能其他有ADHD的人也会遇到类似的情况。于是，我不断问自己，我能做什么呢？第一件事或许是停止抱怨，因为你生来如此，这不是你的错！你表达不出来，但不代表你不在乎我。

另一件事是超敏反应（Hypersensitivity）。这是我从网上找到的说法，不知道是否适用你的情况。 

每次我主动牵起你的手时，你似乎不是很开心，不到一会儿就会甩开。但你的表情又看起来若无其事，这让我开始怀疑是不是我的手有问题，所以你不喜欢。但后来，你却告诉我，因为我喜欢亲密的身体接触，所以你不得不强迫自己忍受。

我无法理解你的意思，以为你不喜欢我。但根据网上搜到的信息，不少ADHD的人都有高敏感的感官能力，身体会更容易对周遭的一切（包括声音、气味和触觉等）过于敏感，所以更容易感受到不适。也就是说，这并不怪我，是我多虑了。

 你跟我抱怨过好几次，你总是觉得自己的身体部位「不对劲」，但医生在检查后却告诉你一切正常，这让你更加恼火。所以我猜，也许是你的大脑和身体都过于敏感了。患有ADHD的朋友，也分享过类似的感受。对于没有ADHD的人而言，声音可以是接受信息的渠道，但她对声音却极其敏感。为了避免被其他人排挤，她一直不敢向外人说自己的情况，最后筋疲力尽。

我过去一直不理解你为什么总说身体不舒服，但现在我明白了，因为这就是ADHD的症状之一。哪怕身体生理上是健康的，但大脑却有可能告诉你相反的事情，让你的日常生活更加艰难。

我不知道如何让你的身体减少一些过敏反应，但我希望你能告诉我， 你能够接受哪些亲密的行为。比如牵手或者拥抱，你可以直接说出来不适感，而不是强迫自己默默忍受。如果短暂按摩有用，我也不介意为你提供，起码你能放松一些。

还有一些让我不开心的事情。比如，你不想向朋友和家人介绍我的存在；你也不记得关于我的重要日子；你总是会改变你的计划，甚至在约会出门之前告诉我要取消；你跟我对话的时候常常会走神，但却能高度专注工作。对此，我很生气，并觉得你没有礼貌，拿ADHD为借口。但事实上，这些行为正是ADHD的表现。

科学家发现，有ADHD的人很容易会被其他事物分心，同时也可以高度集中于他们非常感兴趣的一件事情，甚至会废寝忘食。我想，或许这就是为什么你在跟我交流时，看起来总是没有耐心的原因——对你来说，听长对话或许很困难？

至于共同制定我们未来规划，你也总是避免给我一个明确的答案。我猜，可能是因为你很难处理一些生活小事，比如对时间的掌控；当你的大脑很容易被其他因素影响时，你就会很难勾勒出一个跟我在未来相处的清晰画面。

又以跟我相处为例，有时候你总是显得格外冷漠，我对此很生气。你习惯性选择逃避，并质疑自己能否成为一个合格的伴侣。但这其实是一个循坏，因为大脑试图保护你，所以你总会主动提出分手，以此平息你大脑中波动的负面情绪。

 我对上述情况并没有一个清晰的解决方案，甚至觉得很难过。但我会建议你，对自己以及我们的关系更有信心。这就意味着，我不会拿别人跟你比较，也不需要你成为一个刻板印象中的好伴侣。

与此同时，我希望你能更开放一些，不要总是推开我。当你被其他的负面事情控制，并且把情绪发泄到我身上，让我离开你时；我希望你能明白，有时候让你不开心的可能不是我，而是其他事情。尤其是当你与其他事情抗争时，亲密关系不应该是被责备或者回避的对象。如果可以，我也希望你能告诉我，这不是我的问题。这样，我就不会觉得无缘无故被你抛弃。

我也想到了一些策略。当我们不理解彼此的感受时，或者可以用安全词或者停止信号，先把话题暂停，等冷静一段时间再沟通，尽量不让个人情绪过多影响我们原本生活。如果你实在不知道如何跟我沟通，但我又看起来心情很不好，或者你可以记录下来你的想法，或者向Chatgpt求助；甚至，我可以给你提前发一些安抚我的话，你可以在矛盾发生时像机器人一样复制粘贴。至少我知道你不是故意忽视我，只是当下不知道如何回应。

坦白地说，我希望你看完这封信后，不会生我的气；我也希望你能和我一起探讨ADHD，以及你的一些行为或想法，尤其是是你喜欢或讨厌的事情。在这段亲密关系中，我不想你继续再戴上面具一样，跟我相处了。

为了写这封信，我还特意观看了一部纪录片，叫《Horizon: ADHD and Me with Rory Bremner》。在纪录片中，不同领域的科学家解释了ADHD的成因，比如基因就是一个重要因素。通过医学仪器的检查，一些有ADHD的人，大脑有一些成分缺失了，或者是有一些部分不够活跃，导致了他们的行为与想法出现错位。

这种错位，足以影响一个人的一生，以及这个人身边的家人、朋友以及恋人。比如在纪录片中，发现有ADHD的主持人，就坦言「ADHD让他讨厌自己」，低自尊就此产生。主持人还用了一个比喻描述自己的困境，ADHD就像是房间里的无声大象——社会对此的关注甚少，就连有ADHD的本人也不一定知道自己是什么怎么回事。

 主持人的经历，让我意识到你「出柜ADHD」是多么困难。尤其是当你向家人坦白时，他们可能并不能理解你说的是什么。如果你准备好谈论这件事，我相信我会做一个好的倾听者。甚至有可能的话，我也想跟你尝试做亲密关系的心理咨询。

 此外，我也通过阅读其他资料，有了一些随机猜测。有ADHD的人似乎因为身体无法产生足够多的多巴胺，所以动力总是不足，也难以与身边其他人维系密切的关系。这就意味着，在与我这段亲密关系中，你的冷漠更多可能是无意识的。

 当然，其他人也提到了一些解决方法，比如少在线上发信息，多在线下生活中见面。但由于我们身处异地，这或许在未来很难实现。此前，我很希望你能搬来我的城市。但如今，了解你的情况后，我意识到生活中大的变动反而可能会加剧你的不安，所以我不再强求。如果，你的动力不足，那么我不介意多付出一些，比如在有空的时候来看望你。

 你时常说，你总觉得大脑无法正常运转。很抱歉，直到现在我才理解你的日常困境。我知道，维系一段亲密关系对你而言，充满了挑战。也许我们可以多做一些尝试，看看能不能探索出让我们都感觉好的相处模式。

 无论如何，你都会是我在异国他乡最重要的家人。希望这封信不会给你带来太多的压力与焦虑，也希望我们之后能面对面地讨论我们的亲密关系。我爱你。

Dear E

Hi, my love. I hope you are enjoying your holiday at the moment.

I decided to write a letter to explain what I have found these days and what I thought about you and this relationship. Please forgive my poor English and wrong expressions or grammar if you do not understand some sentences.

I have worked and studied in Canberra for the past two months, and everything seems calm and peaceful. However, I always cried because I missed you so much, and I could only chat with you on weekends when you had energy. I felt so empty when you were not with me, and I started to look back on this relationship and found more materials about having a relationship with people with ADHD.

When you told me you have ADHD, I was so angry and did not understand why you always gave me an announcement without any discussion or explanation. When you continued pushing me away and asked me to find someone else, I felt I was not welcome and realized that you did not like me. But, was that true? Did you stop liking me or have you never liked me before?

Some things triggered my anxiety but I did not mention and I was scared of telling you how I felt. You are a very sensitive person and If I share those feelings with you, you always choose the easy way to react to me, which is asking me to find someone else. I did not understand and I said very rude sentences and words to you. For that, I was not proud of. And, please allow me to say sorry again. That is the whole background for why I want to write a letter to you.

I contacted my friend, who is a PhD student with ADHD, and asked about her relationship to see if she could give me some suggestions. She did explain some patterns and the reasons for some of your behaviors. Considering you always said "I don't know", I decided to explore more facts about ADHD on my own.

Trigger warning: If any words or sentences I use in this letter trigger you or make you feel uncomfortable, plz stop reading. I do not intend to hurt your feelings and this is not a break-up letter.

To me, my ideal partner would be someone who would share their （gender-neutral）life with me daily not just weekly. They should be happy to meet me and make some plans for me. I love it when someone does things for me especially and my love language includes Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, and Physical touch.

In the beginning, I was not happy about you not texting and replying to me a lot. To tell the truth, I am still not satisfied with it but I have to accept that. Later, I realized that you have difficulties in expressing your feelings or you might find it hard to understand other people's feelings.

I guess this is Alexithymia? It did affect me because you seldom said sweet things like I miss you or I like you. I was very anxious when I could not see you so I was always worried about you cheating on me. To be honest, I felt like myself busy finding some proof to prove that you fancy me at some time--I tried to confirm you are still with me.

I do not know about Alexithymia, one of the symptoms of ADHD. But based on you saying so many times "I don't know", I think even if you want to figure it out, you do not have the ability. Even if you wanted to express it, I guess there is nothing in your brain. What does that mean to me? I felt very frustrated sometimes since you wouldn't express your feelings to me. But what makes me feel relieved is that it is not your problem, it is just ADHD.

One of my love languages is Words of Affirmation, and you cannot do it, physically. That is sad, huh? However, it is not just you, maybe other people with ADHD face a similar situation in their relationships too. What can I do? I keep asking myself. I guess I should stop complaining since you were born this way and it is not your fault or you do not do this on purpose. If you can do a little bit more about saying sweet things, that would be great！ But if you cannot, it is fine.

The next thing is about Hypersensitivity. I found this word from Google and am not sure this is the wrong word. Sometimes I felt confused since every time I tried to hold your hand, you seemed unhappy and just wanted to shake my hand off. But you looked fine and I wonder whether something was wrong with my hand so you did not like it. And later, you told me you were not interested in being touched so you kinda forced yourself to stand with my behavior since I like that.

According to what I found from Google, some factors make your body feel no good, and maybe too much touching by others for you is a disaster. I remember you said you always do not feel good about your body, and the doctors told you that you are all good. I guess this is because your brain and your body are too sensitive. My friend felt the same. She said too much noise or other things make her feel super uncomfortable, but other people without ADHD might believe that is an overreaction. But the truth is this is the symptom of ADHD. Physically you are fine but your brain tells you differently and it will make your life harder.

I had never thought about why you said you are always uncomfortable until I looked up this word and finally understood the reason why you acted so weird sometimes. I do not know how to make your body feel comfortable, but I hope you can tell me what behaviors you would accept. For example, you need to tell me straightforwardly that too much touching is not allowed if I do it all the time. I would listen and do what you asked but you had to explain that to me. Otherwise, I would be the one who is always overthinking. And I do not mind offering a massage for you if that is a way to help you feel more relaxed.

Other things make me unhappy. For example, you refused to tell others about me and you won't treat me as a partner. You did not remember important dates about me. You always changed your thoughts, let alone promise and commitment. You told me you do not feel motivated all the time, but you can highly focus on your job. I said that you should stop being rude and ADHD is not an excuse. But it turns out all of these behaviors come from ADHD.

According to what scientists found, People with ADHD can be distracted by other things easily, and they also can highly focus on one thing that they are very interested in, even forgetting to eat the whole day. I guess this is why you always seemed to lack patience when you talked to me--maybe it is hard for you to follow up the long conversation? And speaking of the plans for our future, you always avoid giving me a clear answer. I guess it is because you find it hard to manage small things, like time, so you are unable to picture everything when your brain might be affected by lots of things. To take dating with me as an example, you did not feel good but it affected me. And then I got mad and you started to doubt whether you could be a partner. It is like a circle and then your brain would try to protect you. So you want to give it up on me, saying I should find someone else or you do not like me, to allow your negative thoughts to be calm.

I do not have a specific solution for all of these situations, and I have to admit that it is overwhelming for me. But I would recommend you to have some confidence in yourself and us. That means I won't compare you with others and I won't force you to be a good partner, which I believe is a stereotype. For me, I want you to be more open-minded and not push me away. Whenever you feel you are controlled by those negative feelings and I am involved, I hope you can tell your brain to stop making any decisions you regret. Maybe you will change your mind when you feel a little bit better and I do believe sometimes it is not me but other things that make you unhappy. The important is that you need to know a relationship should not be blamed or avoided when you are struggling with something else. Just do things once at a time and I wish you could tell me directly it is not about me, so I won't feel I will be abandoned by you for no reason.

There are some strategies that I figure out. Maybe we could use safe words or stop signs when we do not understand each other's feelings. We can talk about this later and do not let personal feelings affect our daily lives so much. If you do not know how to communicate with me and I seem not in a good mood, you can try using ChatGPT and let it comfort me. Or maybe you can mark it down and share your thoughts later, so no one would be misunderstood. And I can give some examples and send them to you before, so whenever happens, you can copy and paste like a robot. At least I know you do not intend to ignore me but you just do not know how to respond atm.

To be honest, I hope you won't be angry at me after reading this letter. I do wish you could walk me through ADHD and some of your behaviors/thoughts, especially sharing what you like or dislike. I tried my best to find more information since I do not want to hurt you in the future. Also, I do not want you to put your mask on when you are with me. So before we meet up, I choose to write this letter, and plz correct me if you do not mind when meeting up in person.

To write this letter, I also watched a documentary called "Horizon: ADHD and Me with Rory Bremner". Different scientists in the documentary explain the causes of ADHD and it seems ADHD is related to something missing parts in the brain and some parts of the brain are not/or less active than they should be.

He（the main character in the documentary） said HDAD makes him hate himself, and I do not know whether you feel the same, since It seems that ADHD causes low self-esteem as well. In the movie, the character uses a metaphor to describe his life--ADHD is the silent elephant in the room, which I agree with. I could not imagine how hard it is for you to come out to your family about ADHD, and I will be a good listener when you are ready to talk about this part of your life. If it is possible, I would like to try relationship therapy with you in the future.

Apart from that， I also have some random guesses after reading other materials. You mentioned you felt excited when you met me. People with ADHD seem they can't stand with bored and maintaining a relationship could make you feel bored when you have known someone for a long time. Plus， your body might not have enough dopamine， so you find less motivated to maintain intimacy with others， including your partner， friends, and family. I tried to understand your behaviors by using the materials I read. The better way to chat with you seems to meet up under this situation according to others' suggestions， so you can focus more on the deep talk and get less distracted. I guess that's why long distance relationship with you would possibly go down and then eventually you forgot my existence in Melbourne.

Since I do not stay in Melbourne for a long time, so plz forgive me for using this way to communicate with you. It is easier for you to understand since short texting is useless. I know you refuse to relocate to Canberra, but from what I found, the easy way to talk to people with ADHD would be in person instead of talking online. I wish you could relocate here and we can explore together, but I would be happy to visit you when I am available. I know it would be so difficult for you to maintain a relationship when your brain does not function properly. Let us try our best and see what is the best for us.

Merry Christmas and enjoy your vacation. I hope we can talk about this topic in person. Don't feel stressed anyway. Even though I cannot see you on this special day, you are the most important person for me and my chosen family here. I love you.

Desert Rose

19/12/24

约稿合作：

在澳洲一年多之后，我发现迫切需要写作。比起繁重的体力活，写作是我最擅长的事情，在记录和反思的过程中也可以疗愈自己。如果有需要产出性别、残障、影评、商业软文等文章，非常欢迎来联系我进行合作；我也可以做线上编辑，进行修改和创作文章。

另外，如果有任何媒体机构或者出版机构，对我的故事感兴趣，请一定要联系我。我很想出书，出一本属于自己的书。只有回归中文写作时，我才是我自己。