Talk to yourself｜

Still have some chaotic dreams, feeling like all kinds of powerless control, a person's loneliness and weakness. But I can't just go back and look for others to rely on and not work hard, because I know in my heart that others are also people in need, and I'm not the only one. It’s just a feeling that you lack a clue about life, that your strength is not enough, that you are pushing time away, and you are always too easily affected by the external environment, like moldy food, which makes people extremely frustrated, or the weather suddenly changes. It's cold and humid, but you can't live only in sunny weather? Although I do think so. Then there are those interpersonal relationships, too easily affected by a few words. My center of gravity is still unstable, I need to feel confirmation too much, and I think too much about what I can get right away, and I constantly need things to happen, but I just can’t be satisfied with the current feeling. It does seem that you have a lot of time, but in front of time, you are afraid and confused about what you need to do.

It's like the frustration of going out a few days ago. There are often times when there is nothing to do, instead of having to go to a shopping mall and find something that you can afford. Matter makes me feel safe because it's all ready, but how could I not know it's so empty? It's just that I really don't know how to survive in the big world, or rather how to live my life. The insecurity in my heart is so great that I can only rely on safety in everything, and I am the safest. Like books and computers, I still can't tell why it is difficult to pick up a book or watch a movie, like all obstacles are internal and my own, and the obstacle I need to overcome the most, It is so easy to open your own door, yet so difficult. It's really hard to talk to people, what kind of situation is it, maybe it's hard for me to understand exactly why I'm so afraid of what I need to do. Perhaps, with too many unfulfilled self-expectations, I have to do something, like writing a decent text, and this pressure is actually forcing me to breathe and prefer to escape. For me, this kind of thing is not about chasing happiness, but full of too many eyes to see myself from the outside world. But knowing some things does not mean that I can live without the pressure of reality. I am still being pressured by time point by point, and I am more relaxed than I believe in time. The feeling of lack of confidence in the individual, and the approach of others, I have to feel that it is malicious, or has some myths and fantasies. I think what I really need are those who understand each other, but do not need to lead. The relationship of stumbling comes and goes indifferently. But my heart is too weak to have something to do with myself in order to feel my existence, but I always reject all people and things outside my core. Probably all I want is "yes, yes". But reality is always different, and I don't want to accept them. This is the reason why I have been fixed and unable to flow. I only want the right and comfortable existence, so I live only by myself, only by myself, Not really happy.

What makes you unhappy? my various limitations. Therefore, sometimes there is always a reactionary force in the heart, trying to destroy everything, but the object is the outside world, not the inner self. Like me, I just project my inability to the outside world as an object. If you want to subvert yourself, what kind of situation would that be? I'm dissatisfied with the way I am and want to do the opposite? Go to the farthest places, let the unknown lead the way, let go of any shackles about safety, try all the things you haven't done, meet strangers, throw yourself into a relationship, leave as you want, irresponsible, irresponsible Thinking back and forth, relying on the impulses of the moment... Will I be free? Is freedom just an imagination? There are gains and losses in everything, there is freedom, and sometimes there are risks and injuries. The key is how a person chooses and chooses, and I am the one who chooses safety over freedom, but I suffer because of this. Understand freedom of choice and make good use of freedom.

When I saw a photo on the Internet, I turned the shadow of a person upside down under the sunlight, and turned it into a world where the shadow is the subject. , the shadow chooses to live out the opposite self. When we see it, will we recognize "self"? Sometimes I can't help thinking, if I lived in the hands of others, would I live a lot better and live out my true self? In sci-fi stories, there are often parallel time-space plots. If there really is another me in this world, and only one of the two can live, and I am my own worst enemy, can I be sure that I will be worth living. the one? The feeling that you don't live well, that you have many choices, that you can't do it, but even if you do, will you feel like it's you? Or are others just moving closer to the world? If there is any difference in my parallel time and space, it is due to the difference in a series of choices, and I truly believe that my choices are all good? I feel like I'm going to lose to another happy self.

In fact, regarding the self, that is the most unbearable comparison. I can only believe that we are all in the experience of ourselves, and we gradually grow forward and become the most authentic self. Because I don't want to believe one thing: only the best are worth living. If there is something you want to say, or try your own way, stubborn your own way, even if it will prove to be not so good, but at least you will recognize yourself. Is it a good thing to change yourself, or is it just a myth? Or change yourself, it is better to accept what you are like, and everyone has their own way of being. Maybe it’s just to accept that I have my own needs, like I need a lot of time and a sense of security, but I’m still on the road, continuing to make small or invisible attempts by myself, maybe this is enough . Maybe what you need is really not to go outside, but to dig deeper inside. I can't be someone else, I can only be myself, and I'm sculpting myself point by point. Like who said, changing people is a long process. Accept who you are, accept where you are, and you will have your own freedom. That's called calm.

Writing, for a minute and a half, made me feel real. And waking up is a kind of restart, and it is repeated every day. It is a test of persistence. Every time it changes from zero to one, and every time it returns to zero, but it is a continuous action, which may change in time. What's in there.

PS Does it make sense to write these? It’s all just my own process, and when I think about what other people might think or say, I feel like it’s too weak, too useless, or something like this, prepare “positive energy” for me, or show sympathy and pity, I get annoyed and prefer not to say anything. . Anyway, these things originally lived on paper, I could just embrace my own existence and not talk to others. It's just that sometimes, you still want to try out a little bit because you inevitably want to exist.