When I don't forget nor want to have

At this moment, I am drinking red wine and chocolate, turning on a small warm-colored light in the room, listening to music and typing on the keyboard.

I have never drank any wine, and I don’t know how much I drink. I can only try it little by little. Red wine tastes much better than beer, I say.

This year is coming to an end.

Is this a year worth celebrating? For me yes. I endured another period of indescribable pain and felt the happiness of life again. The time interval for my own changes may be shorter than half a year. In the first half of the year, I was still in deep pain, but now I seem to have more courage to face life.

How do you integrate personal narrative with the larger world?

01

It was one night when I couldn't sleep, and I closed my eyes and turned over the memories of the past. My official account has been closed for more than a year, and I suddenly remembered that I actually still have an official account where I can write things, so that it can be brought back to where everyone can see it.

It’s been a long time since I met my friends from Yiyouqi . When I’m in Guangzhou, I occasionally go to Erbo to bask in the sun by the river and chat with other people I haven’t seen for a long time. Thinking back to 2019, maybe I left a message in the background of the official account saying that I wanted to join, or maybe it was through the second wave of matchmaking, but in short, I just joined in a daze. At that time, I still had a dream called "writing". Looking back at what I wrote now, it’s hard to say anything other than hypocritical. It was an important nourishment for me at that time.

Almost the only person still writing here is Xun. I have the feeling of watching this vibrant courtyard, nourished by various plants, gradually become deserted and turned yellow, with only scattered weeds still sprouting green buds occasionally.

I went into a darker world and continued to write, mostly to myself. After I no longer had the medium of my own public account, I threw them to more dispersed network nodes. Maybe fewer and fewer people see them, and I don’t know what their value is. I just felt the need to record - to defend against something.

“I want to write a year-end summary to be posted on the public account but I can’t. I seem to have become accustomed to writing in Mammoth which is more private and doesn’t have to worry about being scrutinized. So when I think about it, I will be criticized by classmates, friends and even casual acquaintances. As people watched, I felt my scalp go numb, and I was worried that some of my expressions would bring unnecessary social burden to myself.

At the same time, I want to be seen by the people around me for my true self, but at the same time, I am worried about others touching the soft belly of the cat. "

The dilemma between real names and anonymity is not just mine. In December, the positive article "Crime" did not delete the real-name information of a certain interviewee when it was first published. The interviewee protested afterwards, triggering a small-scale discussion in the press: When did we Should you use your real name, and when should you choose to be invisible?

Journalists take different positions. From the perspective of traditional news operations, unless it involves revelations or revelations that will cause trouble to the respondent's life and safety, in other cases, the respondent's real name is a supervision of the reporter, and the respondent and the public can use this to verify what the reporter has written. The authenticity of the content, otherwise reporters can compile a non-existent anonymous interviewee to support their own views. But in this era of panopticons where cyber violence is frequent, it is understandable that most people are unwilling to reveal their true identities.

I can’t be considered a reporter. From the perspective of the interviewee, I fully understand the public’s fear of real names. After all, I myself follow the principle of anonymity when writing on the Internet. But I also feel sad that we don’t really want to hide our identities voluntarily. We are afraid that we will be tracked, questioned, and accused of having a colored look.

Whether it's real name or anonymous, I hope we can have the right to speak properly. Say what you want to say sincerely. This is the most important wish I have made in the past year.

02

Something I've wondered since graduation season is why everyone becomes an adult so easily. I still remember the screenshot I posted on Moments in January. "It was like a group of wild animals that mingled together on the mountain. Several of them walked upright and formed humanoid shapes. But I was confused among them, with horns on my head and a tail behind me."

One day I was listening to a podcast from "Sage Time" last year, and Xiao Zhang and Zhizhi were talking about this matter. Suddenly I was struck.

In the first half of the year, I was on the verge of anxiety and depression several times. Every day before going to bed, I just want to cry. There was a moment when I felt that it was difficult for me to face the sun tomorrow. Then I lay on my side, hugged my lamb tightly, and patted myself like a mother. It was okay, my body would help me adjust.

I started to read psychology books to help myself, tried to move a small bench to the balcony to enjoy the daily limit of two hours of sunshine, left a long empty window in my diary, and wrote three or four pages in one breath.

The transition period between graduating from college and getting your first job is like a slow-moving train trying to connect to another section of track. You have no idea what will happen ahead or where you are going.

I gradually denied myself through repeated resume submissions and failed interviews. After finally finding a job, I questioned myself about the meaning of my work as a new media editor. When I was told things like "less negative news has been published during this period", "the leader said this article should be deleted", "the traffic has not been very good recently", I couldn't feel that I was doing something beneficial to society. .

The only thing that makes me relieved is that this job does not require me to have too much social contact.

I don’t know whether this kind of low socialization is a good thing or a bad thing. A person in his twenties has to muster up the courage to type for ten minutes when calling a relative he doesn’t know very well. At a dinner with several male colleagues and leaders, I don’t know how to start a conversation, and I want to make new friends but rarely have the courage to take the first step.

I don’t know where my fear of interpersonal relationships lies, but I just feel that there is no need to spend my extra energy on many occasions. Sometimes I feel like I might be a cat. Only friendly fur, a warm nest, and the occasional cat teaser stick can make me purr and feel happy.

I still have a hard time accepting that I am an adult. It seems that I will never learn or want to learn to socialize with hidden words, nor do I know how to get along with others with reservations. Maybe I can pretend and never be. Although this is not an excuse.

In the last few days of this year, I returned home and followed my parents' lifestyle, taking a shower, soaking my feet, chatting and falling asleep after dinner. Mom will also meditate alone for a while. I can feel that their physical anxiety is a little more. Maybe in the process of aging, people have to face the increasing number of minor physical problems, which brings about the fear of passing away.

I'm trying to figure out how much money I can save this year, at least it will give me some security. I went to the hospital this year and roughly figured out the process of medical examination. As an only child, I will eventually have to face such a moment alone one day.

"There must be growth." I wrote this in July.

To be growing, it doesn't matter if it's slow. I will add in December.

03

When looking at this year's Little Universe annual report, the options " Don't be willful " and " What's next technology has known " unexpectedly appeared in the annual podcast options.

My first half and second half of 2023 are so separated. In the first half of the year, I was still studying decentralization, wandering curiously among various community rules, and chatting with friends about feminism and humanistic values. In the second half of the year, I fell into reality, looked around at various social events, and began to study money-saving tips and financial management knowledge. I paid the rent regularly every month, and then handed over an amount to my parents.

It is unimaginable that the graduation project of "Feminist Man" ended in April, and the separation from my friends came in June. Everyone goes their separate ways, not knowing when they will meet next time.

The progress of my graduation thesis was stalled in July, and my academic thinking seemed to be stuck at that time. A few days ago, I was talking to a friend about academics. She said that she no longer had the topic or direction she wanted to study, and she didn’t know how to find it.

I thought about it, and it seems that the questions I want to ask have always been related to my life situation. I first wanted to do linguistics and local folklore. At that time, I still had a great sense of identification with my hometown. I also want to take questions related to urban communication and local space, because I also want to get in touch with architecture, and therefore want to try sociology. Later, I read the book on Chaos and came to Maoxiang. I wanted to do decentralized topics, and gradually became interested in small communities and blockchain. This year I became a little more curious about psychology. Although I'm still a loser who hasn't spent any time or energy exploring...

One day when I was still interning, I suddenly started to search for "Macau University Tuition Fees" and hit Enter - after looking through the website's Mainland Student Tuition Fee column and looking at my bank card balance, I decided to put this idea into practice. Completely erased from mind.

Then I turned around and signed up for this year's postgraduate examination again.

My thought at the time was, I don’t know how good I will be in the exam, but I will still take the exam. It was a bit like a distant sustenance for my ideal life, which allowed me to see a little light at that time.

As for whether I was well prepared, I can only honestly say, no. Work took away most of my energy, and the rest of the time I needed to take care of my physical and mental well-being. The only thing that sticks to me is the 100 words I memorize every day, nothing else.

Although getting to the end is meaningful in itself, even if it is trivial, it still means something to me. It made me realize my own worthlessness and depression in front of the so-called dreams, realize that I will only waste the time that could have been grasped, realize my incompetence in socialization, and realize that idealistic people may never reach her. the other side.

When I was counting down to ten days, I looked at the unfinished work and cried. It was bone-chillingly cold in Guangzhou during those days, and I was in my menstrual period. I even worked the night shift the night before the exam. I sent a message to my friend and said: I only have one idea now, finish this B postgraduate exam as soon as possible, and then I will never think about it again in my life.

Can I really never think about it again? Maybe not.

There are two niche newsletters in my email subscription that I like very much. One is from Joel Studio . It will have many discussions on physical urban planning, space and local relationships, and will also share some of the latest concepts. The relationship between conception and social practice. The other is Sunset Room , an independent game media laboratory that publishes many thoughts related to games and media, explores the intersection between games and other disciplines, and discovers concepts such as ethics, body and rights relationships in games.

I can’t say I fully understand it, and I still need time to digest a lot of it. But every time I get to know a new concept and feel my brain "opened up", I feel very excited.

I just suddenly felt that I didn’t necessarily have to explore the academic topics I was interested in in a fixed time and place, although my biggest motivation for taking the postgraduate entrance examination was that it would allow me to have an independent period of time to think and explore. It may be really difficult to practice it after work and life, because my mental and physical strength is not sufficient. But, it’s time to put aside the idea of ​​“doing something creative”.

I can compromise with reality here.

But I still very much look forward to encountering those obscure theories and values ​​again at a certain moment when I am ready.

04

In the last diary entry in 2022, I wrote a lot of concluding phrases, such as getting the first internship certificate, attending the wedding I wanted to have, and appearing in the C paper as an interviewee. In the middle of the long and short sentences, I wrote this sentence, "I haven't met anyone I like."

In the past year or more, I found that I had lost the ability to like others in reality. I don’t even understand how I could be attracted to someone for a long time and maintain a long-term liking in any of my previous relationships.

The CP that I relied on to imagine virtual intimacy also split and faded out. I tried to find it again in film and television works, but I didn’t like the sweet emotions piled up by industrial saccharine.

Listen to the podcast about Han Byung-chul's book, Why We Have Difficulty Entering and Maintaining Relationships. We are displaying and trading love, and we are so narcissistic that it is difficult to spend more energy to understand different others.

After learning all about intimacy and sex, I began trying to find my place on the spectrum. In the small community, everyone talked about their own experiences, and it turned out that we all had been confused and confused. We tried to embed ourselves into the traditional intimacy routines, and were painfully separated. I felt a sense of identity again for the first time in a long time.

I am still a person who needs love very much. I mentioned this in my diary numerous times.

What I'm not sure about is, what is love? Is it being recognized and embraced, is it deep recognition and resonance, is it endless curiosity and expectation, is it one night that disregards the future like in the first part of Love? Can love last forever? I always feel that when we realize love, we are already destined to stay away. Can I enjoy unconditional love? Just like in the original family, I will always think of some heavy shackles.

But love is still something that can make me cry.

Always embracing and being honest will make my heart feel as full and sore as if it were soaked in liquid, and it will beat thumpingly.

The category of Intimate relationship in English actually also includes the love of close friends and friends. It was also the first time I realized how important friendship is to me in my life. Looking back on my life since college, many breakthroughs in concepts and behaviors were helped by my friends.

In the fall, I started going for walks along the river with my friends. This experience suddenly opened my eyes and made me realize that maybe my life could be broader. “We only really talked when we were walking.” I also began to rely on the warm sunshine by the Pearl River and the touch of the air across my skin to keep me alive.

I really hope that my friends are well and preferably not too far away from me so that I can see them again soon. Every friend I call a "friend" is so important to me.

I'm thinking about meeting more friends in the new year.

In the end, I still don’t know how to summarize it. It seems difficult for me to summarize my year with one emotion or one word. So I asked the Miao Xian Bao in Cyber ​​World, "2023 Annual Summary", and it replied to me:

Eight of Swords (reversed): restrictions

Keywords: freedom, openness to new ideas, finding direction It suggests that pain from your past has made you flexible and adaptable to change. Now you can trust yourself better and examine every situation in your life differently. It is recommended that you completely clear your mind of old schools of thought as carrying unnecessary baggage will give more mental load.

I really like this summary. So be it.

See you in 2024.

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Mail can be dropped off on my milk crate here.

Happy New Year.