10 things to do to survive

Title Errata: Ten Things To Do To Stay Alive.

I rarely mention my parents, they are two extremes: no matter what kind of adversity my mother can find a reason and a way to be happy; and no matter what kind of occasion can be happy - of course, for a young daughter who died at the age of 30 For my father, there is no such occasion in life - my father can find reasons to express his unhappiness. As the only remaining daughter of my parents who has been living abroad for a long time out of their sight, I have depression and anxiety that I can't tell them. It's hard to pretend that everything is okay, and if I have to deal with all my dad's daily unhappiness, That would probably only be more melancholy or anxious. My mother also tried her best to ignore her husband's sighs and sighs. She should be optimistic about her old age and must not be influenced by my father.

A while ago, probably because my wife and daughter both underestimated his "pain", my father started to mention a lot on his social media accounts that he is old and has many problems. This and that, his friends will be very rude at first. I enthusiastically offered advice and asked him to relax, but at a certain point, when everyone found out that they had advised him, my father felt the knot in his heart (in short, there was a small problem with his body, he felt very anxious every day, but when he went to the doctor, he was very anxious. I can't find the reason) and I didn't solve it. I left a message saying please relax, and my father would reply: "This is not something that can be relieved by others saying that you can relax." In this way, everyone doesn't know what else to say.

As the marginal effect of this kind of PO text seeking comfort gradually diminishes, Dad feels that his relatives and friends don’t understand him. He would push him off again on the grounds that he was not in good health. In short, it was a cycle, and no one knew what to do.

One day I finally couldn't help it and decided to write a letter to him,

 Dear Dad:

Maybe you know, or you don't know: the only daughter you have left is someone who opens her eyes every day and struggles to find a reason not to kill herself.

But even though I feel that I have nothing to live, after my sister passed away, the option of suicide has obviously disappeared from the list of life. If I still have a little bit of basic filial piety as a daughter, I can't be so selfish that you both lose two people in your old age at the same time. daughter. Of course, if I choose to get married in order to escape from a situation that makes me depressed, I also have to be responsible for my other half. I always feel that my life has collapsed, but if I commit suicide, it will ruin another person's life. Before marriage, he did not Sign this doom.

In short, since I have decided that "living" is the only option, I have to try to make "living" more meaningful, so I travel around, produce articles, protest in the streets, teach Zentangle painting, and study for a doctorate. , immigrating to a brand new country, I can always find new things to do, not because my personality is like a mother, in fact my personality is more like you, but I just don't want to be like you in terms of "living". For example, I hope that people on social media don't like me because of my pain, but that my rather interesting life can resonate with others. I hope that in the future, instead of reposting past glory on social media, every Every moment has new challenges worth talking about...

After I finished writing this outrageous sentence, I couldn't write any more, and the letter was never sent.

In short, now you know: travel is still a foreign life, and it is enviable in the eyes of others, but it is only one side of people's words, in fact, it is just my way of procrastinating.

However, since the appointment with my husband to commit suicide has to wait at least until the age of 75 (it's really a self-inflicted agreement), I still have to try my best to be as exciting as possible before this deadline, and there are still some things that can be done.

 It took me so long to list these ten things to do before I die.

1. Get a Ph.D.

I heard this: a doctorate is a way of life, and it is a luxury that not everyone can enjoy.

For a long time, there was only this sentence in the self-introduction (and I don't remember where it came from).

In 2018, a doctoral classmate in Germany wrote to me, she finally returned to China after a serious illness, and returned to her original NGO work. People around her said she was stupid and spent 10 years physically and mentally exhausted. Finish a degree without a commensurate job. The last time I saw her, she was lying in a hospital bed in Berlin (the two of us always took turns visiting each other when we were sick in those years). After moving to Canada, whenever I thought of greeting her, I shrank at the beginning of the letter. I don't want to hear that she hasn't finished her dissertation, nor that she has done it - for all my friends who are pursuing Ph.D.s in Germany or elsewhere at the same time, I avoid it, for the same reason.

In the fifth grade of elementary school, I wanted to get a doctorate and become a university professor. When I was in my twenties, I went to Germany to study for a doctorate. out of trauma. Later, I tried to convince myself that there are opportunities in life and there are stop points, so I gave up.

However, giving up is also a trauma. Only when you give up can you know what is called "regret". It is a pity that you can no longer replicate the thirst for the academic road in your 20s. No matter how beautiful a marriage is, even if two people can share weal and woe or share in life. The most joyful/depressing moment, but the other half can never share the feeling of regret, it is another kind of regret.

In order to get rid of this regret, thinking about this life, it would be better to get a Ph.D.

Planning : At present, I have successfully entered a fully funded doctoral program. I will follow the schedule and get my degree. If I can't get it this time, I will try again at the age of 60 (mistake).

2. Walk or hitchhike with your husband to complete the Shikoku tour

During my honeymoon, I went to Shikoku for two weeks, and the whole process can only be described as "a thousand mountains and birds fly away, and thousands of people disappear." oh! Let me first say that "going to Shikoku" does not mean going to four countries, but the island of Shikoku in southern Japan. There are four prefectures on the island: Kagawa, Tokushima, Kochi, and Ehime. Many people ask how did you get there? In fact, when I went there, I chose randomly, because the place where the two people wanted to go, the other party had been to, and the places that the two had never been to, such as Central and South America, and felt that the honeymoon should not take the hard route, and finally simply Draw lots of places that Japan has not been to.

Shikoku is basically the countryside, aging is a street scene, and winter is even more lonely, all scenic spots are closed, and the Shimanto River, known as the last clear stream in Japan, even has no water. But even in the cold winter, lonely pilgrims are still seen visiting 88 places of practice of Master Kukai around 800 years ago. This is the so-called "Shikoku Road", which is 1,400 kilometers long and spans four counties.

It was supposed to go in the summer of 2020, but now it seems to be a long way off.

Planning : Continue to practice walking and maintain your strength until the day you walk.

3. Write family (love) history

I have always wanted to write a family story, based on the various love stories of family members, including the desperate mandarin duck during the Kuomintang-Communist war, the elegy of the child bride of the big family in southern Fujian, the unrelated love in a complicated family, the eldest son in this province and the female teacher in another province. The love between teachers and students plus elopement, the temptation and betrayal of "becoming an American" in the turbulent era, finally catching up with the female classmate next to you in elementary school, the encounter of two different cultures in the era of globalization, the relationship between the pearl of the palm and the wanted criminal , etc. To reflect the modern history of Taiwan and changes in location.

Planning : All aspects of the oral collection have been collected, just need to write it, but there is neither a plan to publish nor a plan to be made public, so the plan is indefinitely delayed, possibly until the last day before death I can squeeze it out, and then give it to my nieces and nieces to make copies, so that they can distribute it to those who come to twist incense during my public sacrifice.

4. Have a postcard exhibition in Toronto

When I moved to Canada, the last box of goods by sea was full of 40 kilograms, and all of them were postcards, not only sent by myself or others during travel, but also exchanged, maps, girls, umbrellas , snow, illustration, landscape, advertising, how many 40kg postcards? It can probably cover all the walls of the rooms on the third floor of my house.

The epidemic has made postcards a nostalgic treasure in life. What this article shows is just the tip of the iceberg.

I don’t know when it started, but it has become my personal wish to hold a postcard exhibition in Canada (I also want to hold it in Taiwan, but it is not easy to ship 40kg of postcards back to Taiwan), maybe because I think postcards are very important for immigrants. It is especially important for people in the country. On the one hand, it shows the customs and culture of the original place. On the other hand, think of an immigrant from a non-Western country seeing an immigrant from a small island displaying a series of landscape postcards of their own country. What a surprise?

Planning : Continue to lurk in various immigrant or writing groups, hoping to meet people who can do this through various activities.

5. Write a website about restaurants opened by immigrants in Toronto

This idea actually originated from an activity in the academic English class of U of T. It is probably similar to free research. Students in groups of four or five have to come up with a project. Three little boys and I started by visiting immigrants from various countries in Toronto. 's restaurant for a long time to eat and drink, and finally wrote a blog.

Toronto is definitely the most diverse place in the world. Unlike Taipei, the Mexican food here is Mexican Mexican food, Greek food, Greek Greek food, and Jamaican curry chicken. It is absolutely impossible to confuse the Vietnamese’s Hue Beef Lemon Noodles with Taiwanese Beef Noodles. In short, when you go out and walk along the road, basically all the world’s food is on the same street.

And I'm curious how these restaurateurs replicate the taste of their hometown to a foreign country? What's the history behind it? Will they have raw materials that are hard to come by anyway?

But the reason for not publishing this book is: the average lifespan of a restaurant in Toronto is one year. Of course, there are many restaurants that stand still, but most of them are short-lived. Among the restaurants written on the blog, only one Okinawa ramen moved to a more distant place. Small storefront and survived the ravages of the pandemic. But you can still have a website.

Planning : Just keep eating, ask questions as you eat, and see if you can write an introduction before the restaurant goes down.

6. Learn to drive

As a matter of fact, I didn’t deliberately fail to learn about driving, but I didn’t learn it because of mishaps. After a certain hack, I thought: Since I lived well without driving for the first half of my life, why is there any reason to learn it now?

However, my husband's uncle passed away a while ago, leaving behind my aunt. The aunt whom my husband picks up and picks up for the rest of my life is suddenly unable to move in a small town (Canada is a country where you can't go out of the city without a car after all), although I have no plans to move out of the big city in my life. , Of course, life will always encounter in case, maybe it's time to learn to drive.

Planning : First of all, I will have time to study until I can go back to Taiwan and live for a while.

7. Drive all the way north to the poles

As a prospective Canadian, I feel that at least once in my life I have to take a road trip across east-west or north-south, driving west from Toronto to Vancouver, or north to Yellowknife/Whitehorse, to see the second largest territory in the world The country is what kind of space.

Of course, in comparison, I prefer to go north, not so much to see the aurora, but to experience the desolation and etherealness of the polar regions, and to see how people survive in such a climate.

Planning : There is no good plan for this matter. I can go on the road if I have time and money, but I have to wait until I learn to drive well. After all, the road is so long that I can't just let my husband drive alone.

8. Say goodbye to the master (and chat with him in Tibetan)

A few years ago, Dharma King came to Toronto, and in the process of chasing stars, he met many Tibetans. They climbed mountains and mountains, and things changed. They were still sitting on the ground, raising their heads and facing me standing in front of me without defense, smiling warmly and raising their hands. Hada/Food/Receive blessed rice grains or red thread from the lama, don't hesitate to share. I finally realized that I would never go to Tibet again, and even Nepal or India, with limited time and financial resources, might not be able to make it easily, and the beginning of Tibetan literature had to be intermittent and unsustainable. I didn't expect that because of fate, I would move to this city where the most Haitians and Tibetans gather outside of Tibet and the government-in-exile. Because of fate, because of fate, it's amazing, isn't it?

People always ask me when did I become a Buddhist? I don’t think I can be considered a Buddhist in the eyes of these Western or Chinese believers, because I can’t fully believe in the teachings of a master, and regard the empowerment ceremony as a floating cloud (really speaking of empowerment, I received empowerment from Longevity Buddha in Nepal back then. , Four-armed Avalokitesvara empowerment, 15 consecutive days of the Kagyu Secret Mantra hidden in the Powa Dharma, all come for one round, once in a lifetime is enough), and even the offerings are unwilling. I can take refuge. In fact, I just talked with my master for a few days during the dharma meeting. He said, "A few Taiwanese asked me to do a refuge ceremony. Do you want to come?" I didn't have time to refuse, so I agreed.

Later, although he was stationed in Nepal, I also met him during my travels in Germany and Sweden after I left Nepal. However, as the teacher is getting older and older, and the epidemic is raging, the chances of him leaving the station are also increasing. The less, I wonder if we can meet again before we die?

Planning : Of course, first of all, we need to improve the Tibetan language to a level where we can chat (it has only stayed at the level of pinyin and reading scriptures for many years), maybe we have to visit Nepal again, or hope that he will go to the United States after the epidemic is over to spread the Dharma, and then I am desperate. fly over?

9. Build at least one paper house

Ever since my sister passed away, I saw the paper house that her husband's family burned for her, and I have always had the idea of helping her build another house in the future. Later, I also seriously looked for where in Taiwan can I learn this. It’s a pity that because of the immigration schedule, I left Taiwan in no hurry to attend class.

Of course, with the evolution of the times, the paper tie house has gradually changed from a traditional technique to a fine craft on paper. It is said that many students of the Department of Architecture will go to work to make a paper tie house. According to my own handicraft skills, it should not be too difficult to build a house ( Where did the confidence come from?).

Planning : It is necessary to supplement the knowledge of composition and architectural design in order, and the swordsmanship must be more refined. If there is no chance to go back to Taiwan for classes, then learn it by yourself.

10. Make another list of 10 things you must do before you die

Hey, you don't really think you're almost dead after ten things, right?

impossible! ! Life is much longer and endless than you can imagine, not to mention accidents, there is always the next list waiting to be executed. As I said in a letter to my dad: "I hope that in the future, instead of posting the glory of the past on social media, each present has a new challenge worth talking about." How much does it take to complete the above nine things What about time? In 10 years, after doing these things, in my early 50s, I would think, "Ah! Is life so meaningful?"

of course not. In the first half of my life, I learned two languages other than English, went to Germany to study, traveled around the European Union several times, talked a few times in foreign romances, vigorously loved the boys in Taiwan, lived in Beijing, Berlin, Freiburg, Sierra For more than two months, I have volunteered in such interesting cities as Jeve, Boston, and Toronto. I have also volunteered in overseas and native tribes. I have given speeches at universities and Eslite Bookstore, and even the most talked about book publishing plan on Matters. Painting, has also self-printed and self-sold a book + let the publisher republish it again , a total of 100,000 in the sea (pull hair). It seems that many people's dreams have been fulfilled, but it has not increased my enthusiasm for "survival". As I said at the beginning, it is just delaying time.

But the list can be made again, maybe keep making the list and keep executing it until the day when death comes, the so-called "living" is not necessarily the most interesting part.

Planning : Honestly, I have my next list in mind right now.

By the way, I have prepared a suicide note in the last ten years.

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