"Lost."

Date: 2022.05.12

Location: Kaohsiung City

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"Senior, I'm actually so envious that you always know what you want to do?"

I don't know why recently, but I suddenly remembered that W once told me that. At the moment, I responded to W with a few reasons why I was able to have a direction, but to a certain extent, this reply actually showed that I did not understand the actual state of the other party.

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I don't know why, but it seems that I suddenly understand it recently. When he couldn't find a day that really made him happy, he seemed to be able to understand W's envy at that time. It's just that in such a state, it doesn't seem to be really envious of anyone. When I gradually realized that everything is nothing in the end, what social practice and what entrepreneurship to create an ideal world seems to have lost its meaning.

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Is this a kind of loss? I don't know how to define my current state, but my past self might say to my present me, "It feels like you're getting lost."

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A certain self in the past is a self after all, just like a file stored in a computer, if it has not been deleted, and if it can be called out to open it, it means that it still exists. At this time, I can still think of the values I used in the past, which means they are still and can be used. But the beginning of doubt seems to indicate that the called file may need to be adjusted or even deleted.

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"Is it bad to be lost?"

Recently, I have been constantly asking myself, the days in the past few weeks, I probably felt bad in my heart, which is why I felt so uncomfortable. But these days, I seem to have gotten used to it. After I get used to it, my resistance seems to become smaller, and I no longer feel that I am bound by the so-called "bad".

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"I've been enjoying the feeling of being lost lately."

The day before yesterday, H asked me to talk about his own state, and he cared about me by the way. After the dismantling, they still lived under the same roof, and they no longer talked about everything every day at that time, or should be more accurately turned into a state of "he doesn't want to talk, and I don't want to listen."

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After all, the days will dilute the emotions. After seeing H doing the same unpleasant things in the days, but after gradually walking in different paths with each other, it seems that they no longer feel angry, and after they no longer feel angry, they seem to be able to listened. Perhaps it was because he felt as if he could listen, so he was willing to speak.

Saying this seems like I just pushed my no longer angry to the day, but maybe I am no longer angry, or it may be just my recent, I still can't find the meaning, so I don't know how to be angry. After saying this, it seems that I suddenly understand that "angry" may be a symbol that oneself exists in a certain meaning, because this meaning is challenged, so "angry", so that I have energy to protect myself.

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I used to hate angry people, because angry people would hurt the people around them in various ways. I was hurt, so I hated them, and I didn’t want to be angry, but now people who feel angry may just want to protect Just a certain meaning.

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"When was the last time you were angry?"

"You keep joking with other boys when they are your husbands, especially the best man you were the best man and bridesmaid."

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I forgot when K asked me for the first time, I couldn't answer anything specific that time. But I said this when we talked again a few months ago. If "lost" is not finding the meaning of a certain existence, I suddenly feel that maybe I have been lost all along, and it was only recently that I finally found the meaning.