As long as you don't get married, you can do anything

First of all, let me explain my personal position: the main point of view and self-requirement are radical lesbian feminism and gender separatism, and I oppose any form of marriage system. The ideal is to live a female-only life, but at the same time, I have a lot of heterosexual love at this stage. And marriage still maintains an inclusive and reflective stance.

The family of origin and the choice of view on marriage and love

What role does your mother play in the family? Does this affect your choice of marriage?

What kind of image did your father play in your original family? Will this affect your marriage choices?

The trauma and sequelae brought to me by my original family are the topics I have been concentrating on recently. Those detailed but continuous pains not only overwhelmingly determine my choice of marriage and love, but also have an impact on my way of doing things and even my way of thinking. indelible impact.

My father was a typical East Asian parent who was controlling and had no respect for women. And his father's early death and "self-made" entrepreneurial experience gave him firm self-confidence and even self-confidence. I grew up in a small town in Fujian. According to my observation, there is such a kind of father image here. They rely on the reform and opening up to "succeed" in starting a business. They often have low education but have a certain amount of assets accumulation. Super their father, without going through the struggling process of patricide, naturally took over the control of the entire family. Their wives are often forced to become housewives, completely dependent on each other, either losing the imagination of an independent life, or completely disconnected from social relations outside the family and the labor market. Therefore, these men have the highest voice and control in the family and even in the family. In the process of raising children, they naturally wrap such an airtight control network around them.

Specifically, I have clearly and frequently experienced the pain of being deprived of the right to speak since I was very young. I have been exposed to the Internet since I was a child, and I like to debate with him at the dinner table when I see some interesting and radical views. At first, he was able to convince me based on his richer life experience, but as my experience and knowledge grew, he was gradually unable to convince me logically, so he would use this sentence: "I can't tell you , but you have to listen to me until the age of eighteen. There is no reason before the age of eighteen.” So I learned the words of power from the experience of beating the cotton with my fist day after day, as long as you don’t have a higher Power, so much logic and reason are useless. When I turned my eyes to the world outside the family, where the words were still in the hands of the foolish rulers, I seemed to be back at the dining table when I was a child. I argued angrily, but I could only punch the south wall. In exchange, the only thing they got was "I can't argue with you" and "You are too extreme" from the other side.

Beyond that, physical violence is not uncommon. He asked the nanny for a whole bamboo whip to "educate" me, and he beat me when my grandma fed me, even when I got chickenpox and itching was unbearable. When he beat me, he would always say something like this: "I was beaten like this when I was a child." So, he seemed to have obtained a moral pardon in this way, so domestic violence has been passed down from generation to generation.

But these physical violence did not seem to leave a deep impression on me. Instead, it was the verbal violence that permeated every inch of my life, which made me still try to heal the endless trauma brought by my family. And his attitude towards my mother directly determines my choice of marriage and love. When he was in my third year of junior high school, there was a period of confusion. At that time, he was spending time and drinking with some "brothers" who touted him all day long, and he didn't get home until three or four o'clock every night, and he also had unclear relationships with some women. His family and former friends tried to persuade him to get back on track, so he tried to immerse himself in that world through divorce. As a result, he turned everyone's life into a muddy water. Before he got into this mess, his drinking was pretty bad. He would boss my mother around after drinking, spit all over the place and let her clean it up. But occasionally when she and her friends got drunk at a party, he would look disgusted and just look aside with a smirk. The truth of my marriage and love life that I saw was that my mother used her body that she could not fully control after she was drunk to silently clean up the car floor mats that she vomited. And when he entered the chaotic state, it was even worse. He always came home at three or four in the middle of the night, drunk and arguing with his wife and mother who tried to persuade him every day. During that time, I would often be woken up by their quarrels in the middle of the night, and the only sentence I could hear clearly was: "Then divorce!" Suddenly shattering the plate, bearing the malice of his attempt to take away the real estate deed of her house from grandma. My brother and I learned to speculate about our situation by eavesdropping on grown-ups, and my mother started keeping a diary, and in it she kept saying over and over that she wanted to kill herself. I wrote a sentence at that time, probably because she saw that I was not very happy and asked me what problems I encountered in school. I can only feel that she will never understand me. Family is the place that hurts me the most. , the school is my healing place.

I have forgotten how this chaotic state finally ended. It seems to be related to my excellent grades in the high school entrance examination. He suddenly saw the value of his family life, so the prodigal son turned back, and everyone called "gold does not change" overnight. forgive him. But I will never forget every sleepless night, and every turbulent day with no way out. Moreover, even when he returned to a state of family life, he continued to disrespect my mother, continued to belittle the value of any attempt by her, and continued his ignorance and pride in housework. man state. And I, after going through the chaotic period of the third year of junior high school, I never liked men again. I used to think I was bisexual, because I am emotionally attracted to both genders, but the damage he brought to me made me completely lose confidence in heterosexual married life. The possibility exists to step into this relationship.

And my mother was not innocent in this protracted trauma. If I thought back to my childhood a few years ago, I would probably describe my mother as a victim on my side, but now I look back with more awareness, and I see my mother brought me those hidden and silent injuries.

She met my father when she was eighteen, and then fell in love and got married. Before she got married, she had to bear the burden of the family because of her father's early death. She ended her studies and went out to work when she could be admitted to a technical secondary school to provide tuition and living expenses for her two younger brothers. When the burden of the original family was slowly lifted over time, she immediately entered another family. Family was such a big part of her life that she has told me many times since that she values family so much she would do anything for it and claims it was her personal choice. However, in my opinion, she just dared not give up because the sunk cost was too high. She obviously has strong social skills and sales talent, but she is always trapped in the family and cannot escape. Is it impossible? I don't want to.

She also educated me only in the absence of my father when I was growing up. When my father taught me at the dinner table as a "parent", and when my father whipped me in the name of "discipline", she automatically disappeared. She was silent at the dining table, and after I was beaten, she helped me apply ointment and said a few words, "Your father is also for your own good" and then disappeared. She lacks the knowledge of education, so she keeps telling me that "tears are useless" and does not allow me to cry, keeps me trapped with praise, and makes me a "sensible" child who can't relieve the pain. The expectations and the pressure behind the expectations were all internalized, and I was caught in the endless self-blame of the test preparation stage at the same time as my family life was chaotic. I'd hate myself for every project that wasn't done or didn't go well enough, call myself a gutter rat in my diary, or constantly self-mutilate to find a moment of peace. She allowed my father's hurt to befall me, and she lost the nature of protecting her daughter as a mother. When the chaos came, she couldn't even make up her mind to divorce, leaving the survival of the family on a man who couldn't communicate.

Did she mean to hurt me? It seems not. But when she entered a heterosexual marriage and exchanged her voice and economic power for security and ease, she had already made a deal with the devil. She subtly learned to stand on the side of the perpetrator through silence, and also learned to put on the mask of the victim through a few words of comfort afterwards that did not help. It was her every retreat that finally brought about the chaotic state of his infinite expansion. She was a victim to some extent, but she was not innocent.

Reflecting on my mother's life situation has strengthened my determination to refuse to enter into a heterosexual marriage relationship. If my mother, who is clearly a qualified parent, can only be manipulated to become another perpetrator, I will never believe that in such a patriarchal Having a male presence in my future daughter's upbringing would be better than raising her on my own or with gay people in my society.

myths in love

Explanation: My love experience is poor, and here is more of a theoretical discussion. At the same time, if the title is not clearly stated, I will choose to answer from the perspective of lesbian intimacy.

Is "love brain" a stigmatized term? How to stay sober and genuinely love in an intimate relationship?

yes. When referring to the "love brain", one can only think of the heterosexual relationship itself as a manifestation of heterocentrism. Because I have more trust in women based on my identity as a feminist, and the previous unrequited love experiences have never been hurt by the other party, and they all ended gently. Therefore, before entering the current intimate relationship, the ambiguous state gave the positive In a state of political depression, I had a lot of pure happiness. At that time, I often lamented to my friends that being a "love brain" in a lesbian relationship is really only happiness and does not need to be sober.

If "love brain" itself is a general and even joking Internet term, it is only used for ridicule in daily conversations, and there is nothing wrong with exaggerating the state of being invested in a love relationship. But strictly speaking, my definition of "love brain" is the complete surrender of self-worth in a love relationship, and the loss of relationships, interests, etc. other than love. The disappearance of the self that exists independently of the other party is a sign of whether the "love brain" is judged or not. Therefore, such a romantic relationship, even if it exists in a lesbian relationship, is dangerous. For women in the "love brain" state, no matter what state of life you were in before, entering a love relationship that makes you lose yourself is essentially the same as entering a traditional heterosexual marriage. Above I analyzed the consequences of my mother's generation of women entering heterosexual marriages and becoming housewives. What is more serious than the decline in socioeconomic status is that they completely lost the imagination of independent living, even if they have the ability to be financially independent , and because they cannot be spiritually independent, they "choose" to make the family the only focus of their lives. The consequences of "love brain" are similar. Intimacy is only an integral part of our lives as women, and we bear certain social and historical responsibilities. We should have prepared a more female-friendly society for our offspring through various forms of personal efforts. "Love brain" consumes women's energy in the relationship, unable to radiate outward, and the damage to personal growth is even more obvious. Moreover, being in the state of "love brain" does not seem to be of great benefit to maintaining an intimate relationship. On the contrary, it may cause the relationship to be in an extremely fragile state because one party is too dependent or too interdependent. Therefore, to love soberly and sincerely is probably to exchange feelings with each other frankly while maintaining self-independence and self-development, to heal each other and gain energy in love, instead of letting energy be consumed in mutual harm.

But at the same time, I also wonder, can "love brain" be used as a sober life choice? My mother's "family-focused" choice is possible even after the effects of heterosexual relationships with unequal power are excluded. There are always people whose life value exists in the management of intimate relationships, and it seems that we should not be too harsh on this kind of life choice.

*As a woman, what do you think of the idea that feminists entering heterosexual relationships are "chocolate in the shit"?

I partly agree with this point of view. Regarding heterosexual relationships, my bottom line is not to enter into marriage. As long as the purpose of entering into marriage is not the purpose, and women who enter into relationships can maintain their subjectivity and not be swallowed by the relationship, then no matter what form of intimacy, in my opinion, it is just a possibility of a certain life. Feminists should not further put more shackles on women, and intimate relationships are a very unique and private field. We are in a relationship with each specific person, not with our doctrine. If my father had not brought me such a huge trauma, I might also have a certain degree of curiosity about heterosexual relationships, hoping to experience one at a certain stage in my life. Specifically, the "feminist entering a heterosexual relationship" that I can accept is such a situation: on the premise of clarifying her emotional or economic needs, she weighs the pros and cons and feels that entering a heterosexual relationship at this stage can best satisfy her current needs. needs, so I followed my inner choice to enter this heterosexual relationship. I can't accept that feminists need marriage and try to find a "suitable" man for the purpose of marriage. In the process, they constantly put themselves in the position of "object" to meet the needs of men as a whole. This is not "shit Looking for chocolates", which is running towards a piece of shit without hesitation and claiming that this piece of shit is your ultimate life partner.

In a romantic relationship, if you are on the side with weaker social status and resources, how can you understand and accept the kindness/resources/help from your partner while trying to maintain independence in all aspects?

Acknowledging the value of emotions is an important sacrifice that women have long neglected. The party with weaker social status and resources may provide more emotional help to the other party, and this help is your resources. Even if you think that you are not more emotionally devoted than the other party, since the other party chooses to be in an intimate relationship with you, it means that you can provide the emotional value that the other party needs. If a romantic relationship is essentially a resource exchange, then it is only natural for you who have paid emotional value to get resources or help from the other party. At the same time, I think that "accepting each other's love/help" is also a kind of giving. If the giving itself can make the other party feel happy, then accepting this love is the feedback the other party really hopes to get. In the relationship, I am the one who enjoys giving more in the traditional sense, whether it is resources or emotions. From my point of view, I hope that the other party can accept my contribution with peace of mind. Her acceptance and the happiness she generates from accepting it are a kind of love to me. But if you are on the side of acceptance, you should go back to the previous point of view and be wary of the disappearance of yourself. You can consciously choose the "love brain" and choose to accept the help of the other party, but mentally you should be independent, and you should be able to turn around and leave at any time.

* How do feminists divide the boundaries of "running in", "paying", and "enduring" in intimate relationships? How do you see the "love" and built-in power pull brought about by the game of power relations in love?

Putting aside sociopolitical and economic status and only talking about the relationship itself, I think that dividing the boundaries in an intimate relationship requires both parties in the relationship to have a keen awareness of themselves and long-term thinking about the relationship. In my intimate relationship, exploring the relationship itself is a very important topic, because we are both entering an intimate relationship for the first time, and each other's attitude towards intimacy is also very different. But we will discuss how we might be in the intimate relationship on the second day of the confession, what kind of response we need from the other party in the relationship, and continue on the premise of making sure the other party can accept and enjoy it. The most ideal state of intimacy I have seen so far is the two in the podcast "Xiao Mao and Daming". They are typical examples of very deep and conscious thinking about intimacy and self-state, and they can grasp every subtle behavior. The mental state behind the changes, can always reflect on the root problems behind every quarrel, and can clearly know what he has given and what he has received in this intimate relationship. In such a state of self-awareness and honesty on both sides, the boundaries of "running in", "paying" and "endurance" can be seen by both parties in a very timely manner and appropriate handling methods can be chosen. Every intimate relationship is completely different, and only the person involved can truly understand the subtle feelings behind it. There is no boundary standard that applies to everyone, but communication must be a necessary condition to ensure that the relationship can move forward in a sober state.

Thinking of this, I once again confirm that women are the most suitable party to enter an intimate relationship. We have a clear awareness of our own emotions and personality. We cherish our bodies and respect our emotions, and we cherish each other's bodies and emotions. If gender is molded, I would only choose to enter into intimate relationships with people who are traditionally feminine. But I think that sensitivity to emotions and self is a gift of women, and men can only pass at best.

Here I insert one of my observations about heterosexual intimacy in general. My friend has experienced a hasty and failed intimate relationship. According to her experience, in the middle and late stages of the relationship, the two just report daily to keep chatting, and at the same time rely on the continuous anniversaries and festivals to bring freshness. In such a state, both parties have no awareness of self and relationship at all, and it is more like two parties playing a qualified relationship. We always have a lot of expectations and imaginations before we enter into an intimate relationship. We think that an intimate relationship is chatting, companionship, and festivals. The most standard script has been written from the beginning to the end of our relationship. The easiest way is to be a Qualified actors are not being themselves, not to mention that men are always taught not to spend too much time on intimacy and emotional perception. Under the guidance of such a script, I can't see any communication that should be in an intimate relationship and the natural flow of emotions and emotions brought about by communication, and this is where love really arises.

*Have you ever experienced "manipulation" or "being manipulated" ("PUA" in Chinese buzzwords) in dating/dating/marriage? How do you define and identify such behavior?

I'm not going to answer this question in detail, but I will briefly talk about my experience. As an absolute and committed lesbian, my choice is not only physical, but also spiritual. I would be wary of anyone who displays traditional masculinity, the so-called spiritual man, which is also prevalent in the lesbian community. What I love is not only women, but also the characteristics of women who are tolerant, understanding, good at listening and communicating, and value each other's feelings in emotional relationships. This is not to say that I only like obedient women who have been disciplined. I love women's unique firmness, strength and aggressiveness. So under such a premise, I don't think I need to worry about "manipulating" or "being manipulated".

An Exploration of Marriage and Feminism

How do you view women who have different views on marriage and love from you? Is "respect for blessings" the best answer?

Rationally, I strongly disagree. Overall, I think each generation has its own historical responsibility, and "providing a better social environment for the next generation of women" is our historical responsibility. "Ignorance is an evil." In today's society, it is unlikely that one has never been exposed to feminist views, or is completely ignorant of marriage's oppression of women. As the last and most important part of oppressing women, heterosexual marriage is ideally terminated in our generation. Of course, this is my judgment based on my lesbian feminist position. I hope that the marriage system can be completely eliminated, women can truly have complete ownership of their offspring, and women’s reproductive value can be respected as it should be. On this basis, you have the right to self-determination of your own life, and you can choose to enter or not to enter any form of intimate relationship. Therefore, if there is still a possibility of dissuasion, I will express my opposition as much as possible, at least to form a kind of resistance for that woman to enter a traditional marriage relationship. But in the end, her life is her choice, and I must respect her choice, and I can only express my disapproval to the greatest extent possible, such as verbal opposition and behavioral distance. But I always insist on maintaining the greatest degree of understanding and kindness for women. If one day she chooses to leave the relationship, I will provide her with the greatest degree of support. The above is mainly based on the imagination that this woman whose views on marriage and love are different from mine is my friend. On the level of social expression in a broader sense, I hope that I can maintain a firmer and more extreme position when facing strange women with different views on marriage and love. The anti-marriage and anti-childbearing forces are already a very small minority in society. I don't think I have the responsibility to tolerate and understand the strong side from the position of such a minority.

Therefore, "respect and blessing" is not the best answer. I think it is a negative expression of feminists after long-term ineffective emotional efforts on social networks. The meaning behind it is not simple respect and blessing in the literal sense. , but an invisible condemnation: You already know that heterosexual marriage and love will inevitably bring oppression to women, so you who choose to enter it must bear the various consequences that this relationship may bring. As feminists, we even The energy of opposition does not want to be invested in you. To put it bluntly, it is "Don't kill me at the door of my house". I think such expressions are necessary on social networks. The mainstream expressions of feminists have undergone long-term evolution and have a certain underlying contextual basis. For example, we all know that "respect blessings" are not really respectful Blessing, on the contrary, is a kind of condemnation with helplessness. Responding to individual cases on social networks with this kind of vocabulary with a large number of potential contexts can reduce the energy consumed in admonishing the other party while expressing opposition. Such an answer is necessary for its existence. But at the same time, the real answer cannot stop at "respecting blessings". If you identify yourself as an active feminist activist, you should invest the time saved in other more meaningful things, such as making real life better attempts, such as more constructive feminist expressions.

How to understand the legal relationship/rights (such as visitation, immigration, property inheritance) and benefits (such as tax cuts, house purchase and childcare subsidies) that are bound by default to the marriage system?

I have expressed my anti-marriage position in the previous article, so these legal rights and benefits surrounding the marriage system, in my opinion, are punishments for single women under the patriarchal system. There are so many social inequalities between choosing to be single and choosing to enter into marriage, so it is doomed for any individual to make a decision at this stage that cannot be completely out of inner needs. In order for women to truly have the right to self-determination in their own lives, at least at the current stage, the social support that single women can obtain must be raised to the same level as married women.

The institution of marriage was originally born to guarantee male ownership of offspring. Because a man cannot be sure that the offspring produced by a woman who has sex with him must "belong to him" in blood, he created the marriage system and a series of guarantee systems to prevent women from having sex outside of marriage. But women have never needed these. They don’t need any guarantees to confirm the ownership of their offspring. Before the patriarchal system intervened, they also freely owned the ownership of their offspring. Therefore, for the lesbian community, it is rationally unnecessary to enter into any form of marriage, but the convenience and even necessity of the marriage system is very practical. I think I will still choose to refuse to enter the marriage system, and at the same time explore the possibility of mutual assistance among female groups outside the marriage system on this basis.

If you are a woman who has actively chosen not to have children, would you feel less empathy for women who choose to have children? How do you think about the childbearing family? If the living circle is far away from the childbearing family, how to realize this "understanding"?

I voluntarily chose not to have children, but I didn't completely give up the possibility of parenting. And I think that choosing to have children on the premise of rejecting marriage is a very brave and very advanced behavior, which is a more advanced form of feminist life. As women, I think we are partly born to be fertile, it's just that the current fertility situation is too bad to outweigh our primordial desire to procreate. When I see feminists around me who genuinely express their desire to have children, I am very touched and very supportive. So the answer is no, I only have less empathy for women who choose to enter into heterosexual relationships and contribute to the patriarchal system through reproduction. They still choose to enter marriage after fully understanding the oppression of marriage to women, that is a betrayal of the female group, and I will not forgive them to any extent.

Can women maintain and implement feminism in marriage and childbearing/motherhood? If so, how can it be done? (If you are not in a marriage relationship, think about it)

The possibility of maintaining and implementing feminism in marriage and childbirth/motherhood without male participation is very obvious, so I won't go into details here. Under the premise of heterosexual marriage and love, I can imagine the greatest degree of maintenance and implementation. First of all, insist on one's own financial and spiritual independence. It is best to choose DINK. If you choose to give birth to a daughter as much as possible, you have the right to adopt a surname, and require the man to take maternity leave. If the company does not provide it, you must take leave or resign to participate in postpartum recovery. The man is required to take responsibility for housework and education, and to have as much voice in the relationship as possible. In addition, participate in feminist social activities and expressions, constantly explain to the outside the reasons for choosing to enter heterosexual marriage and childbearing, support female subordinates in career, and choose to cooperate with female colleagues first.

However, no matter how thoroughly maintained and implemented under the premise of heterosexual marriage and childbearing/motherhood, it will not be as helpful to feminism as non-marriage. Therefore, in my opinion, this is just an expedient measure. The ultimate goal is to abolish the marriage system. This is my insistence from beginning to end.

Thanks to Taxiang and Matters for their excellent questionnaires, they are indeed my two favorite platforms. The process of answering was really painful and joyful. I thought about a lot of questions that I gave up thinking about because I didn’t consider the option of heterosexual relations and marriage. During this process, I confirmed my position: I do not accept any form of marriage system, except In addition, any choice made by women in an independent state should be supported. Because of time constraints, I may not be able to answer the questions very closely. My thinking and viewpoints are always changing. The more I argue, the more clear I am. If you have any ideas, you are welcome to discuss them with me. I have any new ideas in the future. Will also be updated on Matters.

I would also like to thank Xiaoman, my muse. The three questions marked with "*" were all answered under her inspiration. The female friendship I built with her is the most important thing for me to support my exploration and creation. power.