"The Habit of Self-talk with a Strong Inner" Don't be led away by the inner theater

Try to think back, how did you talk to yourself in your mind before you came to the stage to report? Would you say something like, "It's over, I'm going to screw it up! Forget it, no one cares anyway, why am I serious!" Or would you say something like, "Calm down, I can do it. It's okay, I'll do my best Good!" Everyone has such a conversation in their hearts, but different ways of talking can lead to very different results.

What is this book saying?

The author of "The Habit of Self-talk with a Strong Inner Mind " is the American experimental psychologist Ethan. Ethan Kross , host of the Emotion and Self-Control Lab. He specializes in how humans control their own "consciousness." In this book, he explores the inner voice that everyone has, the " inner self-talk " we have with ourselves.

This kind of inner dialogue, if used properly, can bring about positive and motivating effects and fill a person with positive motivation. However, if you don't have a way to control this inner dialogue, your inner voice is likely to be reduced to " Little Dialogue " (that is, the English title Chatter). Small dialogues are like when a person encounters difficulties, embarrassment, and setbacks, the inner small theater erupts, allowing emotions to roll over, and the negative emotions become more and more high, and finally devour the whole person.

In this book, the author cites many psychological theories and experiments to help explain, and takes us to explore the reasons for these inner dialogues, how to avoid negative small dialogues, and how to make good use of positive inner voices. This is a book that teaches us how to navigate our inner dialogue, help us remain authoritarian, think clearly, and stop being swayed by our emotions for no apparent reason.

Seven Ways to Defeat Your Inner Demon

When we encounter tension (speaking on stage), irritability (arguing with relatives) and pain (disordered performance), it is easy to focus our attention on this matter, and then begin to criticize ourselves, even deny ourselves, As a result, the mood fluctuates strongly. Then, we magnify adversity, become more apprehensive, and lose sight of the wider, bigger picture. This inner voice is called "little dialogue." Like the inner demon, the more you talk to yourself like this, the deeper you sink and the less you can climb out of this mire.

Through years of research, the author found that we can actually not be kidnapped by this small dialogue, we can have another voice. " The tools we need to reduce small conversations and take control of our inner voice actually lie within us," he said. In the book he proposes many effective ways to help us turn small conversations in another direction and allow our thinking Clearer, more relieved, and even more positive thinking. Here are seven methods that I find useful in the book.

1. Disconnect from the present self

When we are faced with a very difficult and emotional problem, we should try to " keep distance " from the problem. You can think of your psychological thoughts as a "lens", and the inner voice is the button that can control the "lens telescopic function". The first effective method is to imagine yourself as a fly parked on the wall, seeing yourself in the present from a distance.

The author once conducted an experiment in which he invited subjects to re-enact in their minds an unpleasant experience they saw through their own eyes. Next, the author asked them to describe their feelings. The first group of subjects, called " immersers, " were asked to see things from a first-person perspective of "me." As a result, they feel irritated, betrayed, trampled upon, and ashamed of when they recall the unpleasant experience.

A second group of subjects, known as " extractors, " were asked to think of themselves as a fly on the wall. One of the withdrawers recalled an argument with a friend, saying, "I was more empathetic at first, but then I started to understand how my friend was feeling. His feelings might be irrational, but I started to understand his motives. .” Just taking a step back and observing can actually help us change our inner voice.

2. create time distance

When it comes to keeping a distance from the problem, another effective method is called " creating temporal distance ". This method is that when you encounter a small inner dialogue that is about to ferment, you try to imagine how you will feel after a month, a year, ten years, or even more. You'll likely find that whatever troubles you're experiencing now will be less severe in retrospect.

Research shows that when we deliberately "create time distance" and allow our minds to travel in time, we can create more positive narrative content that helps us turn small conversations. Research has also shown that when people are going through difficult times, asking them to imagine ten years from now, not tomorrow, will help them switch to a bird's-eye view, understanding that the experience is temporary, and generating positive hope. This method will also remind people that bad emotions don't last forever, they change.

I use this method a lot at work myself. For example, instead of feeling frustrated, thinking about how to fight back, and thinking about how to get revenge, when I encounter someone who deliberately puts a face on me or does something disrespectful to me, I will think about it, and I will look back in ten years. It doesn't seem like a big conflict. At that time, I must have been different from him. Why should I care about this little thing in my mood now?

3. Practice writing a journal

In addition to keeping a distance from the small dialogue in your heart, you can also write down your negative experiences and emotions through writing, and describe your experiences from a third-person perspective . Psychologist Pennebaker has used academic research to prove that when you take ten to twenty minutes to write about a negative experience that made you sad, and create a story about that event, you can make them feel Better, less need to see a doctor, better immune function.

The advantage of writing is to create a distance between us and our own experience, so that we will not be so deeply involved in it. I myself resonate very much with this approach. Ever since I started using the " Bullet Notes " method to write down my gratitude for the people and things of the day and my reflections on the day's behavior, I feel that I can easily withdraw from the emotions of the day and change to a third person. From the angle of view, to examine who helped me that day, and what I did wrong, embarrassed, and wrong that day, how can I improve in the future.

4. Talk to yourself in your own name

The first three methods will require you to spend a certain amount of effort and time to do it. However, the author has one of the most powerful magic weapons, and that is " talking to himself with his own name ". This method only takes "one second" to completely distance you from the current problem. Some people are accustomed to using the word "you" to refer to themselves, and can achieve a similar effect.

The authors personally recruited the experimenters and asked them to give public five-minute speeches in front of an audience on why they were qualified for their dream jobs, but gave them only five minutes to prepare. One group of immersers described how they felt during preparation in terms of a subjective "me" view. The other group, the detached group, called themselves "by their own name", imagining that another person was talking to them. It was found that those who were withdrawn expressed more moderate emotions, more constructive opinions, and judges also rated their speech performance as better.

Another experiment involved asking children to pretend they were some kind of " superhero " while giving them a tedious task. The experiment asked different groups of children to refer to themselves in different ways, one group using "me", one group using "superhero" and one group using "your name". For example, children in the superhero group would say to themselves, "Is Iron Man working hard?" It turned out that children who used the latter two styles were better able to stick to that tedious task.

5. contact with the natural environment

To get rid of the entanglement of small dialogues, in addition to starting from the heart, we can also achieve the effect through the external environment. The author mentions that there are two types of attention, "autonomous attention" that helps people focus and "involuntary attention". Autonomous attention drains the mind, while involuntary attention replenishes the mind. The study pointed out that exposure to the environment of nature is like in a state of involuntary attention, similar to letting the brain wander randomly and passively enjoy the stimulation brought by the details of nature. In this case, the spirit of the people will be replenished.

In one experiment, subjects were asked to memorize a set of numbers after hearing them, and then repeat them in reverse. Then, the experimenters asked one group to take a walk in the "botanical garden" for an hour, while the other group took a walk in the crowded "town street" for an hour. The two groups then went back to the lab to do a test.

A week later, the two groups were given the same test, but the walks were reversed. The experimental results showed that as long as the group took a walk in the botanical garden, their performance improved significantly after returning to the laboratory, but the group who took a walk in the urban street did not change. This experiment found that the natural environment has the effect of making people feel mentally "charged". Another experiment also pointed out that even a virtual nature computer desktop and nature's insects and birds can make people feel the effect of this charging.

6. make oneself in awe

Letting oneself be in awe is a method called "shrinking the self" in academics. When we see the grand things that make people say "wow", we will feel our own insignificance, and further let ourselves use the farther and bigger. Take a look at your inner voice. Research shows that when we see the gorgeous sunset, the towering peaks, or the beautiful scenery, we will have a feeling of "awe" in our hearts. It's a feeling like transcending oneself, something bigger than the worldly desires one is chasing.

Moreover, this kind of awe that comes from the heart does not only happen when they see the natural landscape, but when some people see the painting of "Mona Lisa" or see their baby take the first step, it will also happen. this mood. When we encounter something vast and indescribable, we are less likely to feel that we are " the center of the world. "

I once experienced this state of mind while traveling in Banff National Park in Canada. At that time, I was very busy at work and under a lot of pressure. After finally finishing the project, I took a two-week vacation to visit Banff. When I saw the magnificent mountains and rivers while driving, I thought, "This is what life is like"! Since then, whenever I have encountered some unsatisfactory work or life, I will occasionally think of the awesome scenery at that time, lament how small my troubles are, and continue to look up to the problem.

7. Create your own ritual

Some athletes do strange rituals before going on the court. Like Nash, my favorite NBA basketball player, who is used to making two attempts, licking his hands, and dribbling the ball three times before making a free throw. These movements seem superstitious at first glance, but they are psychologically sound. Performing rituals actually helps us overcome our little inner dialogues.

The authors mention that in one experiment, subjects were asked to sing a song in front of another person. Before starting to sing, those who performed rituals had lower anxiety levels, slower heartbeats, and finally sang better. On the contrary, those who did not perform the ceremony performed worse. The authors suggest that we can design our own rituals that come in handy when faced with certain situations (such as before presentations and speeches).

The ceremony has two specific functions. First, it will divert our attention from the troublesome things. When you are performing the ritual, there is no room for inner anxiety and small conversations. Second, rituals can provide us with an inner order, allowing us to gain a sense that things are in our control. Most importantly, if you believe this ritual will work for you, it will actually work for you.

Postscript: My Conversation with Myself

Self-Talking Habits for a Strong Inner Mind is a fluently written, life-like, method-filled book. In the process of reading, I slowly answered the questions in my own mind. Growing up, I have a very strange habit, I like to talk to myself in "English". I develop this habit because I feel a sense of distance when I speak to myself in English. It turns out that this way of self-talk is what the author calls "creating distance".

This method has helped me to get through a lot of difficult emotions, such as the worry of not going well with a work project, the unhappiness after a quarrel with my relatives, and I will make the English-speaking voice appear as if another person is talking to me. However, when I often face joy, I also let myself get too far away. On the bright side, the mood swings are not large, and on the bad side, there is a lack of the feeling of being in the moment, and the result of being too detached makes my joy feel very weak.

In the book, the author mentions ways to face pain and joy. The first is pain, we feel pain for a reason, it's the body signaling us to take action. He said: " Inner dialogue is not precious 'even though' it causes pain, but precious 'because' it causes pain. "So facing pain in a detached way is a good solution. Then comes joy, he says: " When we encounter something pleasing, our reaction should be the exact opposite, to immerse ourselves in it. " The author argues that only in this way can we fully appreciate the most precious moments in our lives.

Perhaps this is what makes the inner voice interesting, and it is something that we should continue to practice. I hope we can all control our inner voice, stop being led by the nose in the small theater, and know when to let go and celebrate the best of times, and when to find the meaning of moving forward from the worst.

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