Event Book: On September 6, 2017, a 15-year-old girl surnamed Wu in New Taipei City, Taiwan, just entered high school as her first choice, Bei No. 1 Girls' High School. On her fifth day of school, after having breakfast with her mother, she said she was going to go to school, but she didn't. He ran to the top of the 14th floor of his residence, left an envelope saying "Don't look for me, that's me", then jumped off and committed suicide.

His parents both graduated from Jianzhong and Beiyi girls, both of them were doctors, and his only sister also graduated from Beiyi girl. According to reports, the girl surnamed Wu originally told her parents that she wanted to study at the High School Affiliated to Normal University, her second choice in high school, and she was more able to perform well. But the parents thought that since the score was good for the first daughter of Beibei, the elder sister also wanted to read the first daughter of Beibei, and hoped that her daughter could read the first daughter of Beibei. She once said to her mother that "there is a lot of pressure, life is very difficult, and I don't want to grow up". The mother has enlightened her daughter, but she did not expect that regrets would still happen.

The original sin of Taiwan's gifted students

It is not uncommon for gifted students to commit suicide in Taiwan.

In a famous incident in 2016, Jianzhong students committed suicide after obeying their parents' expectations to be admitted to the medical department, leaving the question "Do my parents love me or my grades?".

Every event has its own unique cause and cannot be generalized. But there is a reason why the incident of the girl surnamed Wu particularly touched me. Because I once heard my second daughter say to me: Is good grades a sin?

Yes, "good grades" is often an original sin for Taiwanese children.

event parsing

Some people accuse the parents of putting too much pressure on the female student; since the female student has taken the initiative to express her desire to study at the High School Affiliated to Normal University, which is her second choice, there is no need for her to take her first choice. Others believe that female students have too low resistance to pressure and have many other choices, and should not choose suicide to escape. Others criticized the examination system and advocated the abolition of star schools. None of this can be said to be wrong, but some details need to be looked at in depth.

Are her parents expecting too much? I don't think so. Isn't that what many other parents expect too? Everyone, ask yourself, if your child's grades can be in the first choice, would you gladly allow him to take the second choice? Even if you don't insist on his recitation, you will try to advocate it to some extent (you can study with someone who is similar to your level by reading your first choice, and the learning effect will be better; you don't need to put too much pressure on yourself when you recite it! The top three doesn't matter; life is about facing challenges, not running away, etc.).

The halo of "first choice" is not easily rejected by parents!

As far as I am concerned, the situation in my family is almost the same as theirs. The husband and wife are both graduates from Jianzhong Bei. It would be a lie to say that I have never had the same idea in my heart. My second child's grades are also on the edge of the first and second choice, and the final result is in the second choice school. I asked myself, if she was admitted to her first choice like a girl surnamed Wu, and then asked me if she could take her second choice, would I try to encourage him to take her first choice?

I think I'll do the same thing as Wu's parents.

Even more ironically, the aforementioned incident of the Jianzhong student committing suicide after being admitted to the medical department is my own experience. I was also in my third year of high school, and under the words of my father, I agreed to give up the Department of Physics and Philosophy and chose the Department of Medicine. And when I became a parent, I might, without thinking, do what my father did to me that I deeply regret. The legacy of this kind of thinking in Taiwanese society is beyond imagination.

From my experience in clinical work, I deeply understand that parents’ seemingly ordinary expectations actually have a great impact on children; I also know that parents’ own expectations for children need to be hidden as much as possible, but they may still be unconscious. show. In fact, parents' expectations cannot be completely hidden, and the child will find out your thoughts no matter what; all parents can do is to remind themselves that when the child has expressed his needs, they should let go of their expectations and discuss them with the child. idea.

suffocating exam

I have always felt that many Taiwanese parents love their children very much, but they cannot trust them. They always help them arrange the path they think is good and protect them under the safety umbrella they think. It is difficult for children in Taiwan to have their own choices. Conscientious parents have always planned their children's life from an early age and filled their children's time. For so-called competitiveness, the more stuff you can give your kids, the better. The already very long class time is not enough, and after class, there is still tuition. When we criticize children for not knowing how to think, have we ever thought that we actually don't give them some opportunities to practice thinking, and we often even oppose them. "Your thinking is too naive, you don't know the difficulties in reality", "Don't think too much, just be patient, as long as you go to a good school, you can do what you want in the future", "The most important thing for students is Study, don't worry about the rest, don't go to any activities." Haven't these familiar words been on the lips of Taiwanese parents all the time?

These very ordinary, seemingly ordinary expectations and words actually stifle the imagination and possibility of Taiwanese children, and also prevent them from caring about other things around them. When we lament that children now only care about themselves and not others and the environment, have we ever thought that we have encouraged them to care about things other than their own grades?

Let's talk about Star High School. Should elite education exist? Shouldn't we provide better education for well-qualified children? Wouldn't it be a waste of time for them to take the time to learn something they already knew? Indeed, it is indeed necessary to provide different educational methods to students with different qualifications, but shouldn't the premise be to determine what the child's characteristics are? Gifted education in Taiwan only uses test scores to distinguish between good and bad, and does not classify according to different characteristics. Then, under the priority expectation of being admitted to the first choice, in fact, there is no real development according to the different characteristics of children; even for the sake of grades, students spend more time in areas they are not good at, because only in this way can they win others. (Those in the essay group need to be good at mathematics, and those in the natural group need to be strong in social subjects, so that they can win in scores. So, isn’t it very distorted to keep tutoring subjects that you are not good at?)

I don't want to be too harsh on schools, because they are often under pressure from parents and have to cooperate. However, a correct concept requires hard work to persevere; if you just follow the expectations of the "majority" parents and do not try to change, how can students learn a correct attitude towards life. Is it fair that these students and parents, who may be regarded as the so-called "minority", are forced to study in an educational environment that is not suitable for them? And how can "good students" who are taught to obey obediently and give up their different ideas since childhood have the enthusiasm to stick to their ideas when they grow up?

Recently, I attended my son's junior high school graduation ceremony. During the ceremony, the "honest teachings" of the graduating class tutors were broadcast. More than half of the content was to encourage them to "be themselves" and "walk their own path". Obviously, they also agreed with their personal characteristics. Development is important. But the reality of living in the current country is - don't have too many personal ideas, provide standard answers, and ask everyone to follow the existing rules as much as possible. If you truly identify with your personal traits in philosophy, why not practice them in actual life learning?

Education is thus caught in a terrifying and endless loop. And a lot of this comes from a very common and common expectation in Taiwan - "study well, get admitted to a good school, and everything will be fine."

It's not too much to expect, but it's suffocating.

falling narcissism

Regarding the high school girl herself, some people felt that she was too fragile and too hard to think about. As long as we communicate slowly, things can still be solved - "you will be fine if you hold on to it". At present, there is not much data to judge the influence of her personality traits and growth process, but it is true that some children are born with obedience and sensitivity, and she is likely to belong to this type of children. Children will try their best to meet the expectations of their parents, because the affirmation from the parents is the process that they must have to establish themselves. This is also what I mentioned earlier, it is necessary for parents to try to hide their expectations, because it has a great impact on children. Such obedient and sensitive children are often obedient, behave well, and usually reassure their parents; but this is often dangerous, because they also hide their true inner thoughts in order to meet their parents' expectations. So when something bad happens, parents' reaction is often shock and disbelief. From her love for literature, it can be inferred that she has certain sensitive characteristics. Taiwanese parents often ignore the sensitive characteristics of such children.

She would choose to commit suicide, not just the pressure of being admitted to a girl in the north. She once said that she wanted to study at the High School Affiliated to Normal University as her second choice, but not because she liked some of the school's characteristics, but because it was easier to "rank among the top". A narcissism growing up in a home full of star school auras can easily form this almost "compulsive" narcissism. Her personality traits coupled with her long-term inability to give up the need to meet the expectations of her parents, and the parents did not receive strong enough information to correct them, eventually forming a sense of despair, leading to regrets.

Because of their own life experience, adults know that reality is often cruel, so they think a lot and consider a lot for their children. However, each person's characteristics and experience of life are very different. Too much adding one's own life experience to the child often does not really help the child, but more often becomes a hindrance. This is a powerful and often unconscious temptation that needs to be recognized and restrained. Not to mention that the world is always changing, and the world you experience is usually not their future environment.

It is actually the best and safest strategy to let children develop according to their own characteristics and nature; they may not necessarily succeed, but they have a chance to live enthusiastically and happily.

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