Middle-aged unemployed ___ Poor imitator

After all, it can only become a cottage.

What started out as an act of unknowing, I now see as the struggle of weak guys (like me) not to be eliminated from the world.

When I was a child, I was overwhelmed in "survival". She already knew that her situation needed to be on thin ice before she took shape, the only goal was to get better, grades are the most lovable tool, what else do you know? That is to bury all the things that have no positive value in that dark and damp corner of oneself, and hurry up and hide them! It's not hard to imagine, depending on what the people around her want her to be, and for her to be likeable in order to make them less tolerant of their disgust.

When she was so young, she only knew that she was sensible and well-behaved, as well as willful and demanding, when she should have grown up.

There is a girl in the kindergarten that everyone likes (it is more appropriate to say that there is a girl everyone likes in her perspective), with fine and soft hair, which is different from her stubborn natural curls; when the girl wears sandals, The second finger of her toe is longer than the other fingers. "I want to be like her!" Because she is happier than me.

Some things can't be changed with effort, like she can't choose the family, and the parents can't choose other children (but she only has one chance that she can't choose, and the parents have more than one chance to shape the family). Some things can be changed, just squeeze the toes for a long time with tremendous force, you can lengthen the second finger, and then buy a pair of sandals that look a lot like that girl. She made it! The toe, which later became meaningless, was the subconscious's first victory at that time.

Maybe since then she started to imitate constantly, I don't know, everything happened inadvertently and invisible, neither she nor I, when I was a child, did not understand how the impostor became me.

When her cousin came over to play, she taught her a certain kind of "socialization", which was just a kind of condescending behavior, she didn't understand, but doing that would make her likable, and would no longer throw mud into her heart and make her soiled. The first active imitation I can think of came from this scene.

The dark and damp corner that no one knew in my heart had turned into a big corner (as big as a mountain) that had almost taken over the body.

On the surface, she is a good student praised by everyone, good grades, well-behaved, on the surface, just on the surface. Even if she really works hard to become better, all she gets is the things on the surface and under the surface. She doesn't know and has not gotten it. It turns out that that is what she has longed for and suffered in her whole life.

She didn't understand the meaning of this behavior, but she chose to beat and kick her classmate with her classmates, pushing him to the sinkhole.

She wants to tie the same hairstyle as the girls in the class, and she gets a small group to belong to.

She swears swearing along with the boys, thinking it's a positive exchange.

She is too lonely, she needs to have something she doesn't have like a friend, she makes up a cousin who takes good care of her, she deceives other people about her family relationship, it's not difficult, she knows it well. "Copy + Paste" is very simple, just like the exam, it's a road that just needs to be walked.

If there was something good at that time, I can't remember it. Because at that time her corner was too terrifying, and the seeping waste water poured her heart into a wasteland, and she couldn't feel it. She also knows that these beauties are fake, not because she is herself , but because she is what many outsiders want.

Imitation criminals of this level are not often found in today's society (people are all high imitations).

No one moved because she was her, her humiliating behavior grew in the corner, and every time she was strangled, she was in pain.

But in this way, she can survive in the eyes of others. She continues to become a noun or a puppet master who replaces this noun. She skillfully manipulates herself and continues to imitate badly. When she grows up, she can only become a copycat, and it is still very far from her own beauty. Far away, she has no idea why it is like this.

She also imitated the promises in the book of the heart: to be reconciled with yourself, to accept the little girl who was hurt in her heart, to face and embrace the scars. This imitator will not miss the slightest chance to transform. But she read about love, the desolate wasteland where nothing grows, the image or behavior of "love", or other emotions written in the book, this is a "thing" she can't imitate, and it is something she can't imitate.

You can get fake ones, but she doesn't want them.

She had to keep changing objects to imitate, in exchange for lingering at each stage, and then never knowing herself again.

But she got some things, like being disheartened, suffering to the limit, despairing and feeling that there is no place to stay. She was overwhelmed with survival.

I don't know if this imitator is still in my body, I don't know, I'm still overwhelmed in my existence, I'm standing on the corner of those negative accumulations, I can't see any possibility, if there is a parallel time and space, I couldn't find a happy ending either. I balance myself on the demon that becomes the hill, fearing that my next step will be the last straw (and even the straw, the disgusting straw).

All I can do is minimize myself, delete her, and follow the corner (please really do), if not, what do I do now? Who else should I imitate?