When you set your first dream, do you still remember what your heart was yearning for?

When I am tired on the road of pursuing my dreams, there is always this saying that encourages me "Don't quit while scrolling, strength comes from desire" - the movie "Perfect Dancer"

When you set your first dream, do you still remember what your heart was yearning for?

After years of baptism, are we capable of getting closer to it? Or... have it been completely forgotten?

I accidentally saw the title of this essay call initiated by Matters, which made me recall all kinds of memories about my dreams, so I decided to participate in the submission. In addition to trying to participate in the essay for the first time, I also wanted to record the memories of "now". The - my dream, and my dream "progressive".

My dream has always been clear, but because of reality, I almost went a different path with it several times, and it was constantly pulling with my original intention. Ordinary and happy dream!

For those of you who read the article, please relax! It's not an article with esoteric philosophical content, it's just a short story about me that is peeled off like an onion.

Since I was a child, I have always liked drawing. I always watch the house by myself. In the era of no internet and no fourth station, I can laugh from ear to ear because of drawing, a few stick figures, like roller coasters. The slides and the swings that reach the sky are my favorite themes. I am not alone in the painting. My friends will talk to me, grab the swing with me, scream and laugh together. My fondest memory of drawing; at that time, I dreamed of being a picture book artist who made everyone laugh and make everyone happy.

These are my memories from before elementary school. After I went to elementary school, I met a classmate who liked to draw and sat in the back seat of me. We started a drawing exchange diary. In the diary, we found that his drawings were really beautiful! So I also started to draw so-called "beautiful" pictures. Now that I think about it, human beings have learned aesthetics from a very young age.

When I started to draw beautiful pictures, I always found that I was not as good at drawing as others. I think maybe from this time, I began to gradually deviate from the original intention, maybe because of lack of talent, until the third grade I was not able to draw better than others. That classmate was beautiful, and I really admired her at that time! Later, because I always wanted to draw beautiful pictures, my dream changed from a picture book artist to an art teacher.

After I went to middle school, I started to come into contact with animation frequently, and there were many friends who could draw around me, so I forgot all my old stickman friends, and started to draw cartoon characters. There was no talent class. I, I bought a monthly Mengmeng Comics for 99$ every month. I read the comics and learned to draw while I read the comics. What characters and expressions are on a page, I almost recite it when I turn to it, and I always want to draw I made beautiful characters, but no matter how I practiced, I still didn’t draw very well. Even now, I still don’t know how to draw cartoon characters. At that time, I was still worried that if I became a cartoonist in the future, I would draw so slowly. what can we do about it?

The middle school will be over in a blink of an eye, and when I was faced with choosing a high school, I was not very good at using the computer to search for information, and I didn't know what school to apply to to learn painting, so I just filled out a school with a bad reputation. The school, because it has an "interior design" subject that seems to be related to fine arts; later, an enthusiastic teacher stopped me and asked me to go to the private school "Guangshe Subject" where he taught before, although I learned a lot there. However, I am glad that I chose this school in the first place.

High schools have a very different system than before, with a class ranking model, which is calculated on a weekly basis, divided into academic subjects and subjects. I don't care about the subject, but I set a goal for myself in the surgery department. There are 45 people in the class, and they must be in the top 3 in the class every week. The goal that seems to be serious and motivated is actually a drawback when applied to art.

I set myself the top 3 goals of the class scheduling department, and I have achieved it almost every week. Slowly, when I only have the top 5, my mentality will collapse, and I feel that I really have no strength. At that time, I I feel that if even a class with a mere 45 students can't rank among the top, what should I do if I go out of the society in such a big world? So I put a lot of pressure on myself, gain and lose heart, and desire to win or lose. Maybe from this time, happiness and dreams have gradually become out of the same track.

When I was in high school, I don’t know why tutoring in painting was very popular. Almost 2/3 of the students in the class had tutoring. Because their family was not rich, they could only try to figure it out on their own in addition to the courses planned by the school. I still remember that in a certain class at that time, I stood next to the teacher and watched the teacher's demonstration in every class. I wanted to try my best to see all the teacher's skills, and I wanted to keep it in my mind. When I went home, I didn't have a major. The basics of painting, a single lemon in watercolor work allowed me to practice for 8 hours. Although I enjoyed the process of feeling the pen, the pursuit of painting skills and strength had run counter to my original intention, and I didn’t know it at all. .

In essence, the wide design department is very different from art. In addition to practicality and creativity, the most important thing in design is to look good! Therefore, at that time, some teachers would also directly say to students' works: "ugly", "vulgar", etc., which created an atmosphere of criticism and admiration for beauty. Although it is not bad to speak out and accept criticism, it is also relatively in some respects. The ground will make my vision and mind a lot narrower. At that time, I was in this atmosphere, and I was deeply influenced by it. When I walked on the road, I would always criticize the city appearance on the street, although the city appearance was not. It is beautiful, but it is rare to go out. It should not only be ugly, but also learn to grow and turn beautiful things into beautiful memories. This is where I began to reflect later.

After staying in the design environment for a long time, I unknowingly mistakenly thought that I was also a designer. In the third year of high school, I started to choose a university. I was very confused and didn't know what department I should choose. Design departments cover many: fashion design, interior design, architecture, media...etc. I am interested in adding and subtracting, but I have no confidence to persist for a long time; I have completely forgotten that the purpose of entering this high school is only for the courses of sketching, watercolor, oil painting, etc., which I really yearn for, in addition to design. It's actually art... and this fact is what I've been worried about for a long time, and I didn't realize it until the end of the school application period. Finally, I applied to a few unknown universities with art departments.

In college, I was auditioned for the art department of a certain school. It was said that it was because I didn't want to apply for this school, but the high school teacher recommended me to study. In recent years, the school has a rising faculty lineup, and I also like it. Although I didn’t even take the written test because of some small episodes, I lost the opportunity directly, but sometimes the traction of fate is very magical, so I decided to let go of my sadness and study hard in the new environment.

Compared with the past, the university's learning mode is much happier. To be able to concentrate on the professional field, of course, you must meet the guidance and enlightenment of the teacher, otherwise it is actually no different from practicing the exercises behind closed doors.

Originally, what I have always liked is Western art. Because of the colorful colors, and my favorite artists are Turner and Monet, it is a matter of course to study in the Fine Arts Department. In addition, the teachers of the art department have the idea of art creators. They do not teach people how to paint. At that time, I could not understand, I felt that I could not learn, and my progress was slow, so I chose to transfer to the Department of Oriental Art.

Sure enough, the teaching method here is more suitable for me, because Eastern art emphasizes the ethos of inheriting from teachers and traditions, so everything is taught from the basics. In such a hands-on approach, I made rapid progress and was soon at the same level as my classmates who started earlier than me, but the faster I progressed, the more obvious the period of stagnation that followed.

After a year and a half of studying the professional courses of oriental art, I entered a period of stagnation, because the basic skills have been improved to the extent that I can, plus the above-mentioned: the tradition that cannot be abandoned, I was overwhelmed when I entered the stage of creation from copying, because the studies I copied before were all ancient models, which resulted in limited thinking and creativity during the creation stage. I had no idea about creation, and I had no idea where to start. encountered the most painful difficulties. In this way, in the confusion of struggling but not getting out, I began to have a mentality of giving up, deeply felt my inadequacies, and felt that I had no talent. At that time, I decided not to go to graduate school after graduation, and went to work and take the civil service exam. Well, it's more helpful for the family's economy.

Destiny is really amazing, just like such a low ebb and struggle is a necessary stage, after a year of exhaustion, when I created a work "Cat Cat Hide", I slowly remembered my childhood decision to accompany painting The original intention of my life, and the beauty I felt in painting at that time, and then, like a seedling that broke through that layer of hard soil overnight, I suddenly remembered how to paint, what to paint, and the mood at this time was really I miss and feel moved. I am very happy that my lost original intention has been found again. In fact, painting is a constant dialogue with myself.

A period of time after I found my original intention, an international art fair was held in Taipei. It was my first time to watch an international exhibition. An artist "Ishida Tetsuya" who deeply resonates with me, his works reveal a touch of sadness, yet they seem to mock the world. His straightforward and fantastic performance has deeply attracted me. At the moment of the work, I suddenly realized that this is what I want; I want my work not only to be gorgeous, beautiful and beautiful in line with the public's taste, but I want myself to be 100% displayed in the work, So of course it's not all going to be good!

The road of chasing my dreams is tortuous, and some of them are not bumpy because of the pressure caused by the realistic environment or money, mood, ability, etc., but for the time when I can continue to pursue my dreams, I can only be endlessly grateful, no matter whether it will be in the future or not. It was stopped due to practical factors, and I hope I can pick it up again.

Right now, I am enjoying every moment of writing, and I am working hard in my own way, striving for the future and my dreams!

I hope that after reading this more than 3000 words about my running account, you can also enjoy the joy and tears of chasing your dreams😊

Haha because of the essay

That's why it takes so long

There will be short stories in the future! 🙈🙈